Livin' the sweet life

Things I've learned in Grad School: #1

2012-02-07T08:03:00.001-08:00

New weekly post idea: things I've learned during this grad school/doc program thing--and mostly those things I've learned OUTSIDE of the classroom (with a few exceptions, I'm sure), but still directly related to my enrollment in the program.

The very first lesson learned in grad school: Grad school can make you doubt your ability to get along in the real world. Then again, one must remember that grad school is a far cry from the real world.

And yet another new dissertation idea...

2012-02-07T07:35:00.000-08:00

Qualitative study--interviews with teachers working at Durango High School as they prepare to launch the new learning-communities model in August 2012.

Freshman and sophomore students at Durango will select one of three learning communities within the larger high school to commit themselves for the first two years of their high school experience (during Junior and Senior years, it sounds like they will still "belong" to their learning community, but be free to take a wider range of electives). The three learning communities: (1) the DaVinci school of creativity and innovation; (2) the Atlas international school of inquiry; and (3) the Basecamp school of expeditionary learning. Apparently, this model was actually formulated and proposed by the teachers at the school, and they are currently participating in additional professional development to prepare for this change in the upcoming school year. As I said above, I want to interview the teachers about the process--the development of the idea and proposals from teachers' perspectives, their process in selecting a community of which to be a part, anticipated challenges and opportunities, the professional development opportunities (and if teachers find them to be sufficient, or if there is additional support they feel they would like), etc.

Haven't even started reviewing the literature, yet, so this is a very early-stage idea, but doable (as long as the school district and teachers will have me!)

New dissertation idea...

2011-10-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

Who new picking a dissertation topic could lead to an identity crisis? It likely would not have been an issue had I been prepared to start data collection at the beginning of this semester for my original topic - but I wasn't. I needed an actual vacation over the summer. And I'm not too excited about the idea of waiting until next fall, so I've been trying since summer to come up with a new, doable topic about which I am excited. Lots and lots of possibilities that I like and can see myself doing, but nothing quite gave me that "YES!!! THAT is what I will do!!" feeling.

However, while browsing a dissertation that I am referencing in one of my comps projects today, it struck me that quite a few authors of the dissertations I have looked at (and trust me, when you do a meta-analysis, you look at a LOT of dissertations) include their pets in the acknowledgements section. You know, the "I would like to thank (fill in the blank) for their guidance and support" etc., etc. There are really quite a few people that include dogs, cats, horses, birds, and an assortment of other pets in their thanks. I guess I didn't pay much attention to this when looking at dissertations focusing on animal-assisted activities/therapy - you would almost expect that anyone writing a dissertation relevant to the human-animal bond would acknowledge the role of their own pets. But the dissertation I was referencing today was in a field totally unrelated to the human-animal interaction, and yet here the author was, thanking her dog for his role in helping her to successfully complete the program and earn her degree.

And then it hit me - why not use THIS as the topic of my dissertation? The role of pets/companion animals in the lives of graduate students. It has a nice ring to it. I could look at dissertations in which the authors acknowledge & thank their pets. I could look at rates of students earning their graduate degree who have pets vs don't. I could do some interviews and look at the type of pet, quality of relationship, etc. - why are these students attributing their success in school, at least in part, to their pets?

And, as a friend and fellow doc student pointed out, it is blatantly related to EDUCATION (since my degree is in educational psychology, after all).

Just a seed of an idea, at this point, but an idea that has captured my interest enough to blog about it, so I can remember this idea later and explore further.

And now, back to that comps paper responsible for starting this thought...

Advice

2011-07-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

I've gotten some useful advice throughout my life--especially as of late--so thought I'd pass it along :) Feel free to share YOUR best advice, too!

"Explore the gray; don't look for black and white answers. Allow for there to be uncertainty and eventually an answer will come to you." (via Melissa Klein)

Regarding finding "balance" in life (paraphrased in my words): "Most people think of achieving balance as reaching a stagnant state. But if you look at balance in nature, the tide goes in; the tide goes out. Molecules diffuse across a cell membrane in one direction, and then move back again. [Things are in a constant state of flux, and therein lies the balance]... You can either hang on to the dock and try to stop the tide from coming in, or you can let go and just bob along in the water for awhile."

"Sometimes you need to smile and nod, and then go do your own thing."

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." (Dr. Seuss)

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize of change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time." (Sara Paddison)

"Don't take life too seriously. You'll get out of it alive." (Elbert Hubbard)

"Everything works out in the end. If it doesn't work out, it's not the end." (my mother)

What's the hurry?

2011-07-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

It concerns me that so many people seem to go through life in a bubble - lost in their own little worlds (hehehe - my little brother reasons that all these people in their own little worlds are evidence for parallel universes...not sure about the plural on that one). Anyway, when I was going for a run this morning, I'm waiting on a corner for the "walk." Meanwhile, the traffic light had been green for all of 2 milliseconds, and the second car back starts honking at the poor woman first in line to go. Really? Didn't we learn in driver's ed that you should wait for a count of three after the light turns before proceeding, just in case someone decides to run the red, anyway? Don't get me wrong - I have actually honked at someone in front of me when the green arrow had been green and turned to yellow and the driver still hadn't made a move. But I swear, this driver was honking the second the light turned green. Just chill out, please.

This comes on the heels of trying to exit fairgrounds following the fireworks on the 4th with Neil. Everyone is in the same situation trying to leave. No one is going to be leaving in a hurry. Just accept it, and stop being the douche nudging right up to the car in front of you and cutting other people off so you can hurry up and get...wherever it is you think you are going... Not to mention that, if you ARE in such a hurry to leave, how is it you have time to stop and hang out the window to talk to your buddy passing by about the party you are trying to get to (meanwhile stopping all traffic flow)?

Oh, and to the driver who gave me the dirty look as I was exiting the grocery store today - I apologize for having gotten in your way. I am sorry you had to actually stop at the stop-sign and wait for me to clear the cross-walk so you could speed along your way. Forgive me, I will try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Not like I'm such a saint, myself, and I shouldn't judge because I don't know what kind of day "you" have been having, but what happened to patience and taking turns, and waving people in, or letting pedestrians cross the street (or being a courteous pedestrian). What happened to smiling? Even when I am in the foulest of foul moods, I really try to smile at the people with whom I am interacting. And I think the reason it really bothers me is knowing that many of these people have children present--what behaviors do you think your child is learning? There is a commercial from Australia that I go so far as to show my Human Growth & Development class when we talk about Bandura and social-cognitive learning...what kind of young citizens are we raising - what kind of society will we be?

Greetings

2011-06-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

It has been over a year since I last posted. And what a crazy, crazy year it has been. Some gains, some losses; some ups and some downs. I thought about posting, but just haven't felt like writing - partly, I'm sure, because where do I even start?

I will start with the boys. First, of course, is Neil. We are approaching the three-year mark since we first met. Last summer, following a hike, as we sat near the Big Thompson River under the shade of the trees, he "practice proposed." What exactly does that mean? Well, there was no ring, no down-on-one-knee - we were just sitting there, and he kind of mumbled, "So, um, would you, like, marry me?" I still feel a little bad because I started laughing - might have even asked "what kind of proposal is that?" But after I didn't answer, he was like, "Really, though. Would you?" Ummm, of course I would! So it's basically been settled. No "official" engagement or wedding plans until after we finish school, but we're thinking some sort of outdoor potluck-type shindig.

Just last week, he decided to see just how much I loved him by taking a spill off his bicycle while riding to work and fracturing his skull on the pavement (in addition to some other cuts, bumps, and bruises--one required a staple to the back of his head, something else caused him to be bleeding out his left ear, ya' know. all-around fun). Long story short, I got a call from his mother saying some guys from his work took him to the ER since he was bleeding out his ear and losing consciousness. Fortunately, we literally live two blocks away from the hospital. Spent a couple nights there, and then he was released into my care at home - he is recovering as well as can be expected, no apparent lasting physical, cognitive, or emotional impacts except for maaaaaybe some hearing loss in that left ear (getting that checked out tomorrow), and he will be wearing his helmet every time he rides his bike from now on. Hard way to learn a lesson, but lesson learned. And not that I needed this kind of scare to realize just how important he is to me, but it really hit the point home.

Second is Tommy (okay, I've had Tommy in my life longer than I've had Neil, but I wouldn't want to offend the boy by talking about my horse first). One year ago tomorrow, I moved Tommy out to his current home at Lynchland Stables. Lynchland is close to Ft. Collins - at the time, I had planned to take a course offered through the social work department at CSU looking at animal-assisted activities & therapy. Didn't end up taking the class with all the other craziness going on, but am still at Lynchland and enjoying it! Not as many uninhabited acres of land to go riding on, but there are jumps in the large and small outdoor arenas, a cross-country field, a roundpen, a dressage arena, and an indoor arena! Tommy had been lame off-and-on, so when I moved him to Lynchland, he also got the work-up from a vet and new farrier. There are still moments of gimp, but overall, he is fat (actually looking quite athletic!), happy, and moving much better (I even let him hop over some of the logs and small cross-rails on occasion). He has been helping teach Neil the basics of groundwork and riding, and for the past few months, he has also been playing uncle to an orphaned foal taken in by Jackie (the stable owner). And on days when I'm really down, he seems to know just what to do - I think he should get "horse-of-the-year."

The other new boy in my life is Ace. Ace had already lived at Lynchland when I got there, and I got to ride him in a couple lessons. Little did I know at the time, but his owner was putting him up for sale--though I eventually ran across his profile on dreamhorse.com during one of my window-shopping endeavors :) To make a very long story short, I ended up taking Ace for a couple months on a trial basis, and then, in December 2010, Ace became mine. Just to be clear, I had zero intention of getting a second horse (I know I mentioned getting another one "someday," but "someday" referred to a time in the future when I was done with school and had a real job. oh well). Really, I did not need a second horse at all - and I still have those moments where I wonder what I was thinking, and think I have no business owning a second horse--much less one like Ace. Ace is another OTTB (off-the-track thoroughbred) gelding, same age as Tommy, but a little more neurotic and high-maintenance (which, lets be honest, is probably part of why I was attracted--I can totally relate to his personality!). So, on the one hand, there a still moments where I wonder what I have gotten myself into with him - those times when he slams on the brakes in front of a jump and I topple off; the times when he forgets how to slow down; the times when he spooks from...a bird? a stick? a shadow? goodness even knows!! And then I get frustrated not with him, but with myself, 'cause I feel like I can't provide what he needs and help him be his best. That said, he has really changed in other ways - he is curious, friendly, he has slowed down and started to think about things, he backs up off my leg (no reins), I can challenge him without him freaking out extensively and/or throwing a tantrum (even asking him to stand still used to result in pawing, stomping, tail-swishing, head-tossing, and considering rearing up). Really, despite my doubts, I like to think we were meant to be together, to grow together. And now Neil and I can ride together--him and Tommy, me and Ace.

It's a good life - me and my three boys :)
And maybe getting back to blogging will help me break free from this writer's block I've been experiencing...

Questions of the day

2010-04-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

(1) Is therapy a form of learning?

I know this is broad - what kind of therapy? Learning in what sense? What is the relationship between therapist and client?
But just interpret it however you want.
Is therapy a form of learning (or can it potentially be)? Does therapy engage learning processes?

(2) What is educational psychology?

Tiler Peck and Nuttin' but Stringz

2010-04-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

So I'm going from Earth Day and environmental awareness to something much more fickle, but this performance was absolutely amazing.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say it was awesome.
Travis Wall choreographed the Macy's Stars of Dance performance, featuring Tiler Peck (principle ballerina for NYC Ballet Co) and the violinist duo Nuttin' but Stringz, for the Dancing with the Stars Week 4 "Results Show" (aired 4/13 - I'm a little behind).

These performers are all amazing, musicians and dancers alike.
Something fun to check out (you can also find it at www.hulu.com - at about 28:50 :)

Happy Earth Day!

2010-04-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Earth Day, everyone!

I'd like to share this article - Can you afford to go green? - that Heidi directed my attention to.
My favorite aspect of the article? It reminds us that "going green" doesn't require the drastic, expensive changes people often initially think. Just start by consuming less. Yup, it's that easy. And I'm definitely a big fan of recycling and buying recycled. And carpooling can be a good way to get to know some really awesome people. But the take-home message: start small, and suddenly it's not so intimidating.

Hope you had a good day today :)

Window shopping

2010-03-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, just for fun, or to take a break from homework, or when I'm going a little stir crazy and wish I was riding, I like to go "window shopping."

What kind of window shopping, you ask? Well, window shopping for horses at sites like dreamhorse.com or equine.com.

But first in line, time for my Tommy to get new shoes, a new bit, more supplement cookies, new boots (for me), and maybe new medicine boots for him. And, someday, a new english saddle (been using Juilie's since Mom's bit the dust). And then maybe another pony so Neil and I can ride together. someday - but doesn't hurt to look, right?

Okay, okay - back to homework...

Good day

2010-03-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

Research meeting got cancelled today, so I went out and rode my pony. We did some groundwork in the mud and then revisited the route from Saturday. "Perfect"? No. But better? Definitely. A ways to go, yet, but feels good :)

Oh, and Tommy ate his first half of an apple today!

two forward, one back

2010-03-01T01:09:00.000-08:00

My pony bucked me off yesterday (Saturday).
I didn't even try to hang on (the first time) 'cause I was so caught off-guard. Just enough time to think, "Crap. Hang on or bail-by-choice?"
Rather than risk injuring my spleen again (hehehe), I voluntarily jumped horse and landed on my butt in the mud, facing my horse just in case I needed to get out of the way.

And later on down the road, it happened AGAIN. This time, though, I was prepared, so I hung on and got him bent. I'd have preferred to stay on both times, but I'll take what I can get, again given that I was riding in an English saddle on a big horse who catches some big air - and it was SO out of the blue! I haven't been bucked off him since the spleen incident of ... 2006, I think???
WTF Tommy???

We started out fine - my theory is that it was just a lot of little bits all added together. There were six of us - Tommy gets nervous when there are more than three (counting him). Juilie was riding Candy's horse, Sunny - Sunny was on crack, so Tommy was simultaneously intrigued by her and trying to get as far away from her as possible. A storm front was moving in and he'd had two weeks off, so he was a little extra goofy and spooky. But I think what really did it was the mud-induced-panic, 'cause both times his brained checked out were when we were in the mud - the deep, goopy, slippery mud out there on the plains of the front range. Tommy doesn't like the mud (well, it's not the mud so much as the discomfort of his hooves slipping out from under him), so Tommy tries to hurry up and get through the mud. We were approaching a down-hill, so I asked Tommy to do a 360 and slow down - coming out of the 360 is when he bucked.

I was too bewildered to have any sort of reaction beyond the "WTF??" (though the first words out of my mouth were "I landed on my butt, this time!"), so I got up, bent him each way, and stepped back on without a problem. Bent him again, and we continued on, serpentining down the muddy hillside. As soon as we got to a dry spot, I made him do more 360s, side-passing, backing up - anything and everything to serve as a "brain check" and maybe figure out what triggered that reaction in the first place.

But once we were out of the mud, we were fine. He had returned to the quiet, compliant, soft version of himself - almost seemed a little ashamed of his prior behavior.

Until we got back into some more mud, and then his brain fell out again.
Like I said, this time I was prepared. He started to hurry, so I bent, and I hung on this time. Two jumps into the air and then done - but he was still tense the entire time we tromped through that muddy field. Like a ticking time bomb. He was haulin' ass until we hit dry road. I got him to do baby serpentines, so he didn't run home, but he's usually bringing up the rear, not leading the way.

He'd been hobbled before I got him, and he used to kick at anything that came in contact with his hind legs, so I wonder if maybe, when I asked him to do those 360s, his hind legs just got a little tangled, started to slip, and he panicked and went up in the air. Or maybe he was so hell-bent on getting out of the mud, he decided to act like a butt-head and brush me off (or buck me off) when I went to bend him. Maybe both - maybe he has started to panic, and then my bending him became too much extra stimuli. I really don't know.

Once we hit dry ground again, he was fine.

I DO know that we're going to have to work through it, whether he was reacting out of fear or out of defiance, but the point is that sometimes I have trouble telling which of these two is influencing him more (and it makes a difference in how I handle the situation). Sometimes it's obvious - when he's being a butt-head, he swishes his tail and tosses his head (which he was not doing on Saturday - he was just stiff as a board through the mud, and then positively drooping on dry ground).

I worked through more mud when we got home - and I watched as, once his hind feet started to slip, his hind-end popped straight up in the air to just get him out of that uncomfortable situation. And when I wrapped the lead rope around his hind legs, his initial reaction was *flinch* (but no kicking - good boy!), so I'm suspicious that it was mostly panic. But I wish I could read his mind, sometimes.

And we still need to work through it, regardless - I'm sure the mud will be there for awhile, so we'll just go play on-line and riding (though likely with my western saddle this time). Or I could just send him to WA for a bit - no escaping the mud, there!

I just wish I knew for sure.
Oh well, no matter - we'll just revisit - plenty of learning opportunities :)

Part of why I am sharing this is that I've been asking my study participants what are some of the challenges of owning/working with horses, and what kept/keeps them coming back for more? So here is one of the challenges with a "used" (and abused) model - I can relax on him, but I'm never going to be able to fully let my guard down, so, while it's nice to imagine cantering off into the sunset, it will never be that romantic in reality. And I don't know if I handle situations like this "properly" when they arise, which obviously leads to some heavy-duty reflection on my part. Did I do the "right" think? Should I have made more an issue out of it at the time? Or was it okay to get to a safe-moving-on point and let it be for later revisiting? Am I being too harsh or too soft with him?
Eesh - reflection? More like mild distress, almost. How do parents do this??

But why do I keep coming back? Masochism? Seriously, though - in this case, I don't think Tommy means to be "bad," so I can't hold it against him. I want to help him. We're such good partners when we're in sync. I can think of some flat-out naughty, bratty horses. Tommy can be one from time-to-time, but his overall personality is very compliant. He just has panic attacks (which I can relate to).
Personalities - there are as many different personalities - or "horsalities" - as there are horses in the world, and that's part of what keeps me coming back, too. And when their heart is there and their trying so hard. When they nicker at you and nuzzle you, and choose to come be near you. And because I'm a puzzle-solver - this is a puzzle - what was the catalyst and how can we re-direct that reaction? And he hasn't given up on me, so how can I give up on him? And when you make it over those hurdles together, as a team, it is awesome!
And the smell, and the feel - looking into their eyes - again, appreciating those horsalities.
Sometimes it sucks, and sometimes it is life at its absolute best.

Oh, Tommy. Thanks for keeping me thinking ;)
And at least big buck = big jump :)

Dear Perfumed Gym Users:

2010-02-16T05:40:00.000-08:00

Props to you for using the gym. Even more props to you for working hard enough to work up a sweat. But did you know that when you do work up a sweat, it strengthens the already pungent aroma of your respective cologne, perfume, or body spray?

What begins as a mildly annoying scent quickly becomes intolerable - sickeningly overwhelming in the confined space we share. My eyes sting and tear up, my head begins to throb, my chest gets tight as my asthma protests, my lungs all but shutting down. And I just want to work out, just like you are doing. But there is just no escaping you.

And so, boys and girls who soak in the scent before hitting the gym, if you could lay off the cologne, the perfume, the body sprays, perhaps until POST work-out, that would be most appreciated. C'mon, relish the sweat. You've worked hard for it. And in the meantime, you can spare your fellow gym users the watery eyes.

Thank you for being considerate and abiding by the unspoken codes of the gym.

Sincerely,

Me

Revisiting the swirling vortex of terror...

2010-02-14T19:07:00.000-08:00

April 8th: UNC Research Day
1 poster presentation, 1 panel presentation, 1 paper or poster (TBA)

April 15-17: Rocky Mountain Psychological Association (RMPA) conference
1 poster presentation, 1 paper

April 30- May 4: American Educational Research Association (AERA) conference
1 poster presentation, 1 paper

To say nothing of regular homework, the Ed Psych Society newsletter/website/events, & "little" things like taxes, FAFSA, what-I'm-doing-for-work-next-year, etc.

Hang on to your hats...

Favorite Things

2009-12-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

I can't help but wonder how it is that the song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music has become a Christmas song. There's this radio station that plays only Christmas music starting the day after Thanksgiving right up through Christmas day, and "My Favorite Things" is a regular part of the Christmas line-up.

Nonetheless, hearing that song got me thinking about some of MY favorite things (well, the song along with the fact that it's finals week and I've got another UTI, so I'm all about the basic creature comforts right now). In no particular order, here are some of my favorite things this time of year:

Going running at night while listening to Christmas music and looking at everyone's Christmas lights. I also love the crunch of snow under your feet.
My horse - and going riding in the snow.
The smell of sugar cookies, gingerbread, and molasses-heavy-horse-treats baking in the oven.
Soup. I love soup. In fact, I just made an easy fresh vegetable soup with dumplings and I'm enjoying it as I type. yum!
I have a new favorite commercial (internet commercial - I'm sure it's on TV, too, but don't know for sure since I don't have one!) - It's a Folger's Coffee commercial, where the big brother comes home for Christmas and hands his sister a gift, and the sister takes the bow off the gift and puts it on his shoulder and says something to the effect of "you're my present this year." Reminds me of my family, so I actually like the commercial.
Speaking of which: FAMILY. Family is my most favorite...most of the time ;) This is the time of year I look forward to being with my family - playing games, playing with my nephews, eating together at the dinner table - whatever, I just like being with them. Just a little over a week, now!

So what are YOUR favorites???

Therapy

2009-11-23T20:28:00.001-08:00

and yes, my horse IS sticking his tongue out :)

Did you know...

2009-11-18T20:17:00.000-08:00

...that you can watch a feature-length film of Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker ballet at Hulu?

It's the PNWB (Pacific-Northwest Ballet) with Maurice Sendak's set design - and while there is narration added to some parts, and some "special effects," it's pretty much like going and seeing the ballet live. Well - not as cool as seeing it live (Thank you John - still the coolest ever!), but as close as I'm gonna' get right now :)

Anyway, if you've never seen the ballet, or just can't get enough of it, I'd check it out :)

Not to toot my own horn, but...

2009-11-08T20:54:00.000-08:00

My job descriptions as Newsletter editor and Website manager or coordinator or whatever for the UNC Ed Psych Society are pretty self-explanatory. I was newsletter editor last year, so no big changes there. But website manager is new to me. Nothing had been done with the website for the last couple years, so I got to update everything to be in accordance with the universities website guidelines.

Well, suffice to say, God bless Web Support and Dreamweaver - I'm still trying to make it more user-friendly and create sublinks and all that, but it's totally remodeled! Nothing really remarkable, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little proud of myself!! :)

You should check it out (http://www.unco.edu/edpsychsociety) ... and I should get back to homework!!!

Finally!

2009-10-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

So you're supposed to file a plan of study by the end of your second year in your respective grad program. I'm almost 1/2-way through my fourth year. But I finally did it!
Granted, it still has to be approved by the grad school, and I probably still wouldn't have done it if I didn't absolutely have to - you only get to graduate when you've checked off all the requirements listed on it (which is why I think it's silly to do by the end of your second year - if you change anything or if a course is no longer offered so you have to make a substitution or ANYTHING, you have to submit separate forms for changes), and you don't get to put together your dissertation committee or do your comps projects until it's approved. And I'm finally putting together my committee and want to get my comps done this year. SO, I did it and it's signed by my advisor and I turned it in this afternoon. Finally!

I also figured out I'll be graduating with a minimum of 111 credits - probably more like 114-117. Not too shabby, I guess ;)

Now I just need one more person for my committee...

You Might be a Graduate Student If...

2009-10-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

bits and pieces from a couple different internet sources - just felt the need to share, because, as Neil pointed out, most of them are funny because they're true.
Hmmmm......

YOU MIGHT BE A GRADUATE STUDENT IF...
…everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
…you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
…you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
…there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
…you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
…you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
…you look forward to summers because you can study more productively without the distraction of classes.
…you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin..
…you consider all papers to be works in progress.
…professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
…you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
…you have give up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
…you have accepted guilt as inherent feature of relaxation.
…you find yourself explaining to children that you're "in 20th grade."
…you start referring to things in Latin phrasing, as in "Snow White et al"
…you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
…you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
…you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
…you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
…your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
…you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
…you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
…you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
…you wonder whether APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."
...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.
...you understand jokes about Foucault.
...you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
...you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
...the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
...you've ever traveled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades.
...you can read course books and cook at the same time.
...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
...you hope it snows during Spring Break so you can get more studying in.
...you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
...you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
...your glasses prescription is 3x stronger than it was a year ago and you have carple tunnel syndrome because 90% of your time is in front of the computer or reading.
...8% of your time is spent in class.
...2% of your time is divided among eating, sleeping, shopping, TV, laundry, and socializing.
...you use words that only the people in your classes can understand.
...some of those continuing education classes sound interesting.
...the last time you watched TV, Brenda was still on 90210 and McGuiver was making bombs out of duct tape.
...an exciting trip is when you run errands with your roommate.
...you utter the words, "School comes before sex."
...free time is taken up by studying.
...the last fiction book you read, outside of class/rec reading, was "Flowers In the Attic."
...studying keeps you awake.
...a complete dinner might be a bagel with cream cheese and a diet coke.
...your bill for xeroxing exceeds your phone bill.
...a full night of sleep is 4 hours and a 2 hour nap mid afternoon.
...the last time you worked out, women were wearing little rope headbands and legwarmers.
...if you actually do workout, you have mastered the art of studying while on the bike or stairmaster.
...the food groups are ramen, caffeine, Subway, bagels, and the occasional delivery.
...when you tell people your thesis topic, they blink repeatedly and purse their lips while attempting not to burst out laughing.
...you consider Spring Break a time to get some work done on that paper you want to submit.
...you have an academic/professional text that you think is cool because you got the author to sign it.
...you consider cooking and cleaning your apartment leisurely breaks from real work.
...5:00 p.m. Friday means you are now scheduled to work for the next 48 hours.
...you have every minute of the next four months planned out but have no idea what you are going to do for the rest of your life.
...your friends and family become concerned because although you can now recite, word for word, the most popular theories in your field, you have lost all semblance of common sense.

Stuff

2009-10-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

I have too much stuff and it makes me cranky.
Very, very cranky.

I went clothes shopping earler this evening. I came home with a grand total of, oh, about 7 articles of clothing, including one pair of slacks, three blouses, a pair of running shorts, a sports bra, and a black sweater to wear over my black velvet dress for orchestra concerts (since the dress is sleeveless but long sleeves are required for concerts).

Really not too extravagant, I don't think. Especially considering I've gotten rid of at least twice that to charity and thrift stores and a friend in the past couple months. Oh, except for the running shorts. They went to the trash 'cause the butt finally ripped out.
And I try to shop smart - I saved more than I spent.

But it's still more stuff!
I just feel like I have too much.

And most of it is school stuff - books and books and books and binders and binders and notebooks and paper and highlighters and post-its and some more books. Really pretty scant on the dishes and kitchen gadgets, the canned and packaged foods, the towels and sheets and bathroom supplies. A fair amount of clothes and shoes, but not out of control - when the closet seems waaaay to full, I try to remind myself that I have no dresser, so of course the closet is full. Some extra stuffed animals and knick-knacks, but I even got rid of some of those.

But it's still too much stuff!
AAAAHHHH!

When did I become such a wanna'-be-minimalist?

More importantly, why can't I just fit in with the rest of this society?
Not only should I be happy with my stuff - I should be trying to get MORE stuff, and bigger-and-better stuff! It's the American Way!
I'm just a bad American in that respect, I guess :(

Oh well - I should get back to homework for now, I've already dedicated too much time to stuff, but I'm excited for Christmas break so I can weed out some of the stuff. Just needed to vent so I can move on... but first, a fun cartoon from the Onion:

:)

2009-09-22T21:46:00.000-07:00

I am tired. I am stressed. I feel so disorganized and scattered.

But I also feel SO happy and fortunate - I have the best, most supportive friends and family and other people in my life - my boss, my advisor - it's a good life.

I also have the best, most supportive boyfriend. And today is the 1-year anniversary of our first date. So happy anniversary, honey! (and thank you, Kiki, for arranging our second date for us!!!)

(p.s. Thanks to my little bro for the pics - you rock! This is one of my favorites from this past August in WA - posing here with my nephew James - awwww)

I love you :)

But did I mention...

2009-09-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

did I mention that there is a Center for Animal Assisted Therapy at the University of North Texas, and they offer a course in it?

I wonder what Tommy would think about going back to TX?

All right, I know I'm waaaaay ahead of myself. One degree at a time. But I'm just sayin' ;)

hmph

2009-09-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I want to get a degree in counseling, too. Unfortunately, that is another 4 years of school (minimum). Hmph.

In remembrance

2009-09-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget - I think we all sometimes forget - to be thankful for the things we have, and to be thankful for the amazing country we live in. Sure, there are plenty of problems, but I never cease to be amazed how the majority of people can all rally together in those really crucial times.

Says something about what it means to be human.

I had forgotten about 9/11. I am at a conference in Greensboro, NC, and all I was thinking about today was which breakout sessions and research presentations to go to, and trying to prepare myself to share my own poster. That's pretty much what was occupying my mind. Until I went to write in my journal around 3:00 this afternoon or so. I (try to) always date my pages, and only then did I remember today was 9/11.

On the one hand - it happens. People forget. We get caught up in things, life continues to move on, and we forget. It happens. But, at the same time, I think it's important to remember - for lots of reasons, among which is that Santayana quote that "those who cannot learn from the past are doomed (or condemned - seen it both ways) to repeat it." Plus, while it's easy to think of history in the particulars - the names and dates and locations - really, history carries so much more - the implications and lessons are so much greater.

And so I sit here in my hotel room, an open psychology book next to me, my laptop on my lap, and the t.v. on - tuned in to MSNBC's tribute to 9/11 ("9/11 as it happened"). They are replaying the news footage from that day in 2001. And, again, I find myself in awe. Even more so than when it originally happened. Perhaps because there is less of a shock factor. Perhaps because I had forgotten, and this sort of reminder is a cold bucket of water in the face. Perhaps I'm just older and more mature ;) Whatever. The point is that it is still horrifying, still confusing - still so surreal. The mass pandemonium. The amazing strength of those who rallied together - especially those who were there. Those that went headlong into dangerous situations to help.

Humans. Something so despicable juxtaposed with something so admirable.

I feel naseous and hopefull all at the same time.

So here is my remembrance of 9/11 - the event, and the people involved. And there is a brief editorial with an audio tribute by Bruce Maiman here that I also like. Let us all remember, and let the remembrance influence our development as humans - and not in a vengeful sort of way - in a virtuous way. Let us learn and grow and rise above.

Vocabulary Lessons

2009-09-05T08:47:00.001-07:00

So the same professor that taught my class ennui shared a new word with us before class on Tuesday... Schadenfreude.

It means taking pleasure in other peoples' misery. This song gives some really good examples to really drive it home. Our professor played the song for us and then launched in to talking about Schadenfreude (it's a hot topic in psych). I love it! Enjoy!! :)

What better way to celebrate?

2009-08-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

I went home last week - well, more like a week and a half ago - Neil and I drove up to WA state to spend time with my family. It was great 'cause we usually don't all get together except at Christmas, but Greg, Heidi and the boys (James & Evan) made it out from NY - yay!!!

AND, not only did we all get together, but we got to celebrate some milestones, like Scott finishing his A.A., Elizabeth (my oldest bros g/f) finishing her B.A., and Greg finishing his Ph.D. (and getting a "real" job at the university). Congratulations to all!!!

As with any family get-together, there was a ton of tasty, tasty food - including some fresh-caught salmon compliments of Greg, fresh crab, salad, veggies, etc. etc. etc.
For some of Heidi's recipes, I recommend visiting her recipe-exclusive blog.

While I have not yet started uploading my recipe collection, I promised to share at least two of them that made appearances in WA: peach-mango salsa and scones. I really suck at providing specifics, but I'll do my best. So, without further ado...

Peach-Mango Salsa

> 3-4 ripe mangos

> 4-6 ripe peaches (or one 29 oz. can of peaches in water or LIGHT syrup)

> 4-6 cloves garlic

> 1-2 jalapeno peppers

> Red onion (1 small or 1/2 large)

> Cilantro (a small bunch or a large bunch depending on how much you like it)

> Lime

Wash everything! Peel and chop the mangos, peaches, and onion in as large or small of chunks as you like & toss 'em in a bowl. Dice the garlic, cilantro, and jalapeno and add 'em to the bowl. For milder salsa, discard the seeds - for spicier, keep the seeds. Cut the lime in half and squeeze juice from one half over the salsa. Use the rest of the lime in your Coronas.

Toss to combine. Enjoy immediately and/or let sit in the fridge. Great with fish, poultry, on salad, and with chips 'n cheese.

Source: not sure???

Notes: sometimes Juilie & I added yellow and orange tomatoes and/or bell peppers (any color)

Scones

> 1 C. Sour Cream

> 1 tsp. baking soda

> 1 C. butter, slightly softened

> 1 C. white sugar

> 4 C. all-purpose flour

> 2 tsp. baking powder

> 1 tsp. salt

> 1 egg

> 1-2 tsp. vanilla

> dried fruit or fruit pie filling (optional - I usually use raspberry pie filling)

Preheat oven to 350 F. In small bowl, combine sour cream and baking soda. Let sit.

Combine sugar, flower, baking powder, and salt in large bowl. Cut in butter. Add egg, vanilla, and sour cream mixture. Mix until just moistened. Dough should be slightly sticky. If dry, add some milk or sour cream. If wet, add some flour.

And now, two ways to proceed:

1) If using dried fruit, mix in at this point. Turn dough onto floured surface. Pat or roll into 3/4" thick round. Cut into wedges. Place on ungreased cookie sheet 2-3 inches apart and bake 12-15 min.

2) If using filling, I like to work with small rounds of dough. On floured surface, roll or pat enough for a 6" diameter, 1/4"-1/2" thick round. Cut round in half. On each half, spread about 1-2 tsp. of filling. Fold each half over on itself and seal edges. Repeat with remaining dough. Place on ungreased cookie sheet 2-3 inches apart and bake 15 min.

Source: originally from allrecipes.com as "Grandma Johnson's Scones" - presented here w/ some modifications :)

Notes: Sometimes I'll add 1/2 C. cream cheese with the butter, plus another cup or so of flour.

You can also use preserves or jam for filling - either before or after baking.

Not the most specific directions, I know - but hopefully something you can make use of :)

Enjoy!

HELP

2009-07-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

So we want to implement this study in the fall to see if our peer tutoring program actually impacts students' academic self-efficacy and locus of control when it comes to schoolwork.
I've been working on the lit. review & annotated bib. since the beginning of summer, and part of what I was looking for in doing that was a general college academic self-efficacy scale that we could use in the study (saving us the trouble of developing and validating one of our own).

Sure enough, there are several existing instruments. There's the College Self-Efficacy Inventory (CSEI, Solberg et al., 1993), the Academic Self-Confidence subscale from the larger Student Readiness Inventory (SRI, published & managed through ACT Inc.), and the Perceived Academic Self-Efficacy Scale (PASES), just to name a few.

BUT HOW IN THE HELL DO I GET MY HANDS ON ONE?

I am realizing now that never have I discussed in class or with professors how one gets ahold of these tests - especially the non-published ones. We talk about creating our own. We talk about how it's more convenient to use an existing test so you don't have to run all the reliability, validity, etc. But we haven't spent much time on finidng and getting your paws on these existing tests. So what do I do now? I mean, sure we could use the SRI, but it's $100.00 per set of 25 individual answer sheets/questionnaires - and that's just silly when we're only interested in one of the three subscales. I'd really like to use the CSEI (or some modification of it) with all the validation data on it, but I have NO idea how to get ahold of it.

Anybody have any suggestions out there?

Quality Entertainment

2009-07-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so just the word "Statistics" seems to send shivers down the spines of many, while making others feel naseous, anxious, or even violent.

I definitely fall in to the "anxious" category. As such, I appreciate any opportunity to make statistics more lighthearted and/or accessible.

One of my new favorite sources for that is Dr. Andy Field. His website, Statistics Hell, is just the beginning. This man has a talent for making statistics at the very least less intimidating. For example, in the book How to design and report experiments (Sage 2003, co-authored by Graham Hole), there's a chapter about population samples and the purpose of a sample mean. Rather than presenting just the equations and run-of-the-mill examples, the example these authors choose goes something like this: "Imagine we were interested in how many units of alcohol it would take a man before they would snog a Labrador called Ben. Just suppose that in reality, if we tested every man on the planet we'd find that it takes them 10 units on average (about 5 pints of lager) before they would snog dear old Ben."
the authors then proceed to give a clear, valid, detailed explanation of how to calculate the sample means of different populations and plot the respective frequency distributions to yield the sampling distribution, etc., etc., variability, etc., etc.

Later in the book, in the section to help determine which statistical test is most appropriate for your data (which includes a WONDERFUL flow chart), the authors ask, "Are people who watch 'Star Trek' more optimistic about the future of humanity than people who don't?" and use this question to construct a hypothetical study, complete with types of data collected, study design, analysis techniques, etc.

Just for further example, another of Field's popular books is titled Discovering Statistics Using SPSS (and sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll). It's a more technical, more complex read, but I am still finding it manageable (& far less frustrating) - and, again, part of this is helped by lightening up the technical jargon with some humorous examples. For example, in introducing logistic regression, the example is looking at variables predicting whether a person is male or female. The variables in question? Laziness, pig-headedness, alcohol consumption, and number of burps per day. "So, if we picked a random person and discovered they scored highly on laziness, pig-headedness, alcohol consumption and the number of burps, then the regression model might tell us that, based on this information, this person is likely to be male." There are plenty of "real" and/or "serious" research questions as well, which helps even more - introduce with the lighter, relatable stuff, and then get down to business. And I LOVE the decision trees (also in the sex, drugs, & rock 'n' roll book) because I am constantly second-guessing which test to use.

Mmhmm.

Anyway - I'm just happy to find some resources that make statistics easier to digest so thought I'd share. Hope someone out there can enjoy!

Emerging from the haze

2009-07-10T13:49:00.001-07:00

I am finally done muddling - over one issue, at least.

As a rule, I have trouble deciding which path to take, and the decision process always stresses me out. In this case, both paths were interesting to me. But one path offered more security, more (immediately obvious) applicability (which often means greater chance of getting a job), more guidance, and it would be easier to form my committee, secure study participants, etc. But it's also been done. Not exactly what I want to do or how I want to do it, but very similar things have been done.

The other path was a little more obscure - still controversial, not much empirical research - some foundations are being laid, but not much - less guidance, potentially more challenging to form my committee and do a study - potentially more challenging to get a job afterwards. Newer & not as secure. But I'm in a great position to take that route. I have the resources, the support, and the opportunity.

I thought I had made up my mind - to take the first option. The safer one - the one that seemed more conducive to my actually getting through school successfully. I filled out paperwork for my plan of study and potential committe and sent it to my advisor.

But as a week passed, and then two and three, with no word back from my advisor, I continued to question my decision. The paperwork hadn't gone any further that my advisor's email inbox, so I could still change my mind. Still time to turn around...

I emailed my advisor for his opinion. He told me to choose what I was more passionate about - that the process is enough work and I'll hate it less if I choose what I'm passionate about.

Shortly after, I emailed him back that I was changing - taking the lesser-traveled path. There may be more roadblocks, but I'm just so curious about what I'll find.

And, like I said, I am in a unique position that allows this opportunity - so why pass that by?

I already knew I wanted to change - I had already made up my mind which path to take - when I chose to focus on caring in teaching, I still felt unsettled. As I continued to pursue caring in teaching, I continued to feel unsettled. I already knew I would change, but I just kept fighting because it seemed safer - more practical.

But now I am taking the turn and heading down the path of equine-assisted learning. And I feel settled. The fog is clearing.

The best part is that my Mom already knew I would go this path, and I'm pretty sure my advisor knew I would, also. He sent me information about an animal-assisted-therapy convention even after we talked about the caring in teaching path. I love when people know these things before me - but I also understand why they allow me to make the decision myself rather than just tetlling me what I will do.

I also don't think that teacher development and equine-assisted-learning need remain mutually exlusive. In fact, I'm still dealing with teaching and learning - just in a different context.

This should be fun!

My two remaining icecubes have melted down to look like kidneys.

I'm going out to ride.

Overload

2009-06-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

"It is hard to take action when you don't know which direction to aim at, dear Aquarius. Do your best to muddle through the foggy haze that seems to be prevailing. Don't try to escape from your feelings, nurture them. You will find that deep down you know which way to go. All you need to do is just have faith in yourself and whatever road you decide to take."

There and back again

2009-06-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

Neil and I just got back to Colorado last night after 24 hours (plus a little) on the road.
Last Thursday afternoon we drove up to Port Angeles, WA, and spent a wonderful week up there. I took some work and homework with me, but I made sure there was plenty of time for play, too. Running on the trails in the woods, going to the beach, going hiking to the lakes and the natural hotsprings. Neil got out in the canoe with Dad and then with Scott - he and Scott even got up close to a bald eagle - and Mom and I got in a few rides with the girls (also known as Snickerz and Hazelnut). The weather was SO nice - only rained once, so we used that opportunity to see Star Trek.

Overall, so wonderful that I really started to get the itch - the hurry-up-and-finish-with-school itch so we can go job hunting in the Northwest. I miss home.
Here are some of the highlights of the trip...

The beach out at Kalaloch en route to P.A. (that speck out there is me - it was FREEZING, but that didn't stop me - there is no ocean in Colorado, so I had to take advantage)

Tidepools at Salt Creek ... followed by swimming (well, I swam. Neil, Mom, and Scott watched)

Neil using the bridge at Lake Crescent as a balance beam. Again, it was freezing water, but there was still definitely swimming!

The still-frozen Lake Angeles. Definitely NO swimming.

The natural hotspring pool we relaxed in. Smells like rotten eggs, but feels very nice.

And, finally, the bald eagle on Lake Aldwell that Scott and Neil spotted from the canoe.

I LOVE the Northwest! :)

Amazing

2009-05-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

Loving and being loved in return. Being told you are worthy and deserving of that love. Being held and reassured "it's okay" while you cry because no one has ever said that to you before. Loving him back with an intensity there are no words for. For who I am. For who he is. The most amazing feeling ever.

working hard part two...

2009-05-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

PLUS, I just realized that my left elbow hurts because I formed a blister and tore it open from the way I had my arm resting on my desk while I've been typing ALL DAY.

Sad...

you know you've been working hard when...

2009-05-04T23:51:00.001-07:00

You know you've been working long and hard (and maybe not sleeping enough) when you try to pass off "variated" instead of "varied" in the report you're typing, and in your head you pronounce "cook" with the long o's (like in "kooky").

WTF?

2009-05-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Why is it that my laptop has to have issues right on the brink of finals week? WHY????

I love my laptop, I do. And I am very, very appreciative to have it.
But seriously, the actual hardware and wiring have been a pain in my ass since I got it. And now, just as I lowered the screen to grab something and then opened it, again, the hinge on the left side breaks.
Fortunately, the computer still works, which is the important part. But I have to leave the screen either opened or closed, so I'm not going to be taking it anywhere anytime soon, and I REALLY need it to do some traveling this summer :(
Not to mention that I don't know if it's going to be a "laptop" so much as a "desktop" since it's rather precariously balanced on the remaining hinge - and the left side (i.e. the broken side) is the side with the cable connecting computer and screen. I'd like that to continue functioning.

Seriously, though - I know Scott and I recently talked about looking into a newer computer. Hopefully, he might be able to fix this (since my warrantly is expired), but, otherwise, I think this might be my sign.
Just when I was close to paying off my credit card, too :P

I think I'm going for a run, now.
Grrrrr.

Checking in...

2009-05-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

I saddled Tommy with my saddle while he was tied today (i.e. he was tied to one of the hitching posts while I groomed and saddled him). I've cinched up the bareback pad and saddled him with the english saddle while tied, but today was the first time in over a year (approaching two years, in fact) that I've saddled him with my western saddle while tied. Typically, I take him to the round pen, do ground work to really get his brain checked in, and THEN saddle him (and do more ground work).

Why? Because when he realizes that back cinch is attacking him, he can really buck (which means he can jump pretty well, too, so the bucking isn't all bad!). But it's not even so much that he bucks - it's that his brain totally checks out. Gone. Way outa' left field.

However, as mentioned in previous posts, he hasn't been bucking when I saddle him lately. So I decided to up the ante. No round pen, no ground work. I took him out of pasture, tied him, groomed him, saddled him, and then I untied him and asked him to follow me to the arena. I took my time, I let him relax. I left the cinches pretty loose - snug enough to keep the saddle on, but still loose.

Previously, this would be a good set-up for another round of mindless bucking.

And he did buck...sort of. Almost.

But this time, he THOUGHT ABOUT IT. He took a few steps and humped up and hopped. I backed him up and he hopped again. Then he stopped and looked at me. Took a few hesitant steps with that, "Mom, I dunno' about this. I'm uncomfortable" look. But he came, and he made it without the full-on buck-fest. His brain stayed in tact.

There was another moment in the arena - I did some ground work and then snugged up the cinches and asked him to move out again. He made it to the canter, and decided he was being attacked. But instead of launching into a round of bucking, he again stopped and looked at me, and we worked through it.

As mentioned last time, there will undoubtedly still be some "moments," but I am really proud of him. He kept his brain and checked in. Good boy. Extra cookies and scritches.

My little boy is growing up

2009-04-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

not that we won't still have our moments, but my "little boy" (16.2 hands and probably 1400 lbs) is growing up.

We had the most wonderful day today with the usual clan doing a group lesson. Great trailer manners, no bucking when I saddled him, no kicking when a younger colt ran into his hind-end. Again, plenty to work on, still (he's kinda' stiff after the time off), and there will always be those moments, but I feel so good. What a great day. What a great horse.

Thank you, Tommy. And thank you to Mom and Dad and Lori - and thank you Juilie and Lonnie - and thank you Neil for understanding about a girl and her pony. What did you call it? Nourishment? Indeed.

~There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. ~ Sir Winston Churchill

~There is no secret so close as that between a rider and his horse. ~ Robert Smith Surtees

Celebrations

2009-04-26T00:23:00.000-07:00

Just a few little things - but life's about the little things, ain't it?

1) CONGRATULATIONS, KIKI (and significant other) on your engagement!!! (and happy belated 30th birthday!) :)

2) Congratulations to me (yeah, that sounds stuck up, but I really don't think I need to worry about becoming overly self-confident and narcissistic). I landed a summer graduate assistant award for the summer, so I can keep up with my position at the tutoring center over the summer and maybe start making some real progress as far as improving and even broadening our research, as opposed to just trying to stay on top of things as-are. The proposal was to establish baseline data and do all the prep-work (lit review, instrument development, etc) to implement a new element in the Fall measuring the impact of peer tutoring on students' academic self-efficacy. Oh, and to convert our paper questionnaires over to electronic by way of surveygizmo or surveymonkey or one of those.
My boss and I are pretty stoked!
Plus, that keeps work hours flexible, which is wonderful. I do much better when I can sort of set my own schedule, so this should compliment me working on my comps projects well. And riding.

3) One more "good work" to me. I survived the "filthy 50" workout with my trainer guy. The first time he told me about the workout was a little over a month ago, and I thought "no frickin' way." He asked again yesterday (Saturday), and I said, "let's do it."
Oh God. What an experience.
See, the "filthy 50" is 50 reps each of 10 exercises as Rx'd:
50 box jumps
50 jumping pull-ups
50 kettle ball swings
50 walking lunges
50 knees-to-elbows
50 push presses
50 back extensions
50 wall balls
50 burpees
50 double unders (jumproping where you get the rope under you twice per jump)

It took me almost twice as long as it takes some other people. And I spent a good long time on the floor after :). But by golly, I finished. And I think it helped my trainer did it with me. No way was I quittin' while he was still going! So thanks for the motivation! :)

I think I get it...

2009-04-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

I think I finally grasp the difference between self efficacy and self confidence. I mean, I was pretty sure I understood the difference before, but now I'm really starting to get OWN it.

Why?

Because of school.

The self-efficacy part is there. I've got that. I cognitively believe I can do it.

Self confidence, on the other hand...
well...
do they make drugs for that?

I've struggled with self-confidence for a VERY long time. And while "people" keep telling me it'll get better with preparation and better with practice, I think it is actually continuing to diminish.
I sometimes finding myself just wanting to quit and go hide away somewhere away from people and expectations and these damn performances.
I don't think it'd be so frustrating except that, like I said, it actually seems to be diminishing, if anything, despite some very positively reinforcing experiences. And I've tried the "fake it 'til you make it" approach, but even that has yet to yield some sincere results.
Where 'o where did it go?
Sometimes I long for the days when I was under the age of six - days when I had no problem with self-confidence, whatsoever.

I guess that's something we all struggle with to some extent, though...

Happy Easter Sunday!

2009-04-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

Time for the second-annual Easter post dedicated to PEEPS!

Those squashy, gender-neutral globs of sugar-coated sugar are as popular as ever and available practically year-round from our friends at JustBorn candy in toxic shades of pink, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet. Also available in white (for those of you concerned about the colored dyes), and shades of cream and brown in the case of the gourmet peep flavors like vanilla creme and chocolate mousse.

First stop, the Peep timeline:

For more Peep history, and a slideshow tour of the Peep-making process, visit the official JustBorn peep website.

Some Peep fun-facts:

It would take over 70 million peeps chicks, lined beak-to-tail, to reach from New York City to LA.
It would take over 172 million peeps bunnies ear-to-toe to circle the moon.
Peeps are the #1 non-chocolate easter candy. (Really? even above jelly beans?? No!!!)
Peeps may be pure sugar, but that also means they are fat-, gluten-, and nut-free.
It takes 6 minutes to create one peeps chick.
Originally, it took 27 hours to create one peep chick. They were squeezed out of a pastry tube and the eyes were painted on by hand.

And don't forget to check out the 3rd annual Washington Post "Peep Show"

(One of the former entries: Peep-O-Suction)

Finally, this year's featured peep research site: B.S.T. (Bunny Survival Tests), where peeps bunnies are exposed to lasers, heat (below - "hot tub" test and "slow heat" test), flame, radiation, and oxygen deprivation.

So, enjoy your Sunday, and enjoy hangin' with your peeps!!

There are no words

2009-03-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else watched TLC's show "Toddlers and Tiaras"??? (*note: they're not actually limited to "toddlers" - just a catchy title, I guess)

It's like a really, really bad accident - I feel so sick, and yet I'm having trouble looking away. (which is funny - I figured I could play it in the background while I worked on homework, but no. It is so horrific I have been watching.)

And it reminds me of a recent comment in reply to one of Heidi's posts - what was that about parenting NOT being a competitive sport?? Try telling that to some of these moms and dads!

I wonder how pageants will fare in the case of economic crisis?

I want to simultaneously steer you toward it and warn you away.

Go ahead - check it out - I dare you - and then lets talk about things like societal values.

You can also check out White Trash Mom's blogsite for more...

I just don't even have the words to respond, right now. I'm changing the website and getting back to work...

Sometimes...

2009-03-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't help but wonder - what's the point?
There are already so many articles and so many books and so many people discussing and researching these things I am also interested in. And so what's the point?
Will I actually come up with something new - or at least a different approach to something not-so-new? And even if I do, will that be heard? Or will it become obscured - indistinct - like the articles never read or books never checked out?
And even if it is heard, will it make a difference?
It will for me, but beyond me?
And I keep going, because I have this desire to discover and learn and grow - but it is also human nature to want to contribute. So much is already out there, so where is my role? What is my role?

Sometimes I can't help but wonder - what's the point?

In memory of Ray Hunt

2009-03-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

"Why does it take a lifetime to learn how to live a lifetime" ~Ray Hunt

Rest in peace Ray Hunt: August 31, 1929 - March 12, 2009.

One of the greatest horsemen in history - he was called a "Master of Communication" for a reason - passed away last week. I had the opportunity to ride Tommy in the horsemanship portion of a Ray Hunt clinic in Wyoming in 2006. I have the best parents in the world. In fact, Mom took the photograph featured above at that clinic.

He was amazing to watch - watching him watching the horses and humans.My favorite part, though, was not caught on camera. In fact, Juilie's half-brother, Clayton, remains the only eye-witness. See, everyone else took a picture with Mr. Hunt and shook hands with Mr. Hunt. But when I went to thank him and shake his hand....

he said, "Come here, Karen" and he gave me a hug.

Maybe it was my very large horse. Or my english attire with western tack. Or my purple hair.

I don't know. But I shared a hug with Mr. Ray Hunt. And when he smiled, he had the brightest twinkle in his eye. (Thank you, Mom and Dad!)

And he was wise beyond the horsemanship. Some favorites from quotes from his book, Cowboy Logic, illustrate this:

"Fix it up and let him find it"

"Adjust to fit the situation"

"Recognize the smallest change, the slightest try"

"It's the little things that make a big difference"

"Believe in your horse so your horse can believe in you"

"Make the best out of a bad situation"

"The slower you go the faster you will learn"

"The horse will teach you if you'll listen"

and, of course, "Whistle, grin and ride!" :)

While they refer to horsemanship, they apply to multiple venues of life. Like teaching. Relationships. Getting through hard times. So very wise.

Rest in peace, Mr. Ray Hunt. I know you were in it for the horse, but you helped the humans, too. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your self. And thank you to your family for sharing, too!

Holy Cow

2009-03-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

First, if you haven't already, go rent Religulous. And after you watch the movie, watch the special features, too. It's comedy done as a documentary, with comedian Bill Maher travelling world-wide to ask people about their respective religions and try to find some answers. Very entertaining while still though-provoking, and it actually ends on a rather serious note...

Anyway, Neil and I watched it Friday night and are still talking about it (granted, talking philosophy and religion are both favorite topics, anyway, but the point is that we both thoroughly enjoyed the movie - hope you do/did, too).

Second, I didn't go to the doctor about my foot - I tried swimming, instead, and so far it seems to be working out well. I made it through the weekend wearing my ankle brace but without any serious pain, which is sweet. Still some swelling and it hurts if you push right on the tendons, but full range of motion and weight-baring action are back. Yay! Just in time for the weekend...

Third, with regards to this weekend: my personal trainer guy is the coolest ever. EVER! Between yesterday and today, every part of my body is sore...and it is GREAT!!! Just the warm-up consists of 3 sets of 5 exercises (squats, pull-ups, sit-ups, push-ups, and back extensions), 10 reps each. Then we start the workout, which is like intense circuit training based in cardio, gymnastics and weightlifting.

Holy cow.

It is awesome!

I am totally going to be spoiled by the end of this. And hopefully I'll also be in totally better shape ;)

Awesome weekend, though I suppose for now I should get back to laundry, homework, and BED.

Happy Monday, everyone!!

Giddy

2009-03-05T16:45:00.000-08:00

Ahhh - I am in such a good mood today. Didn't start that way, but here I find myself.
SO much work to do, but there always is. And I slept through the observations I was supposed to do at a middle school this morning for our research project - which I was feeling horribly guilty about, but then I saw my counselor. It is okay for me to sleep. When I am so passed out that my alarm clock doesn't wake me and it's physically difficult to get out of bed, it usually means the sleep was needed. And I DO feel so much better now.
So I got some sleep, I saw my counselor, I met with a professor, I got ready for class, and then we had an awesome presentation (my two partners and I). Class let out at 5:00, but I'm still on a high from it. It easily could have flopped, and I still don't know that everyone got it, but I personally think it went beautifully and every major element of our topic was illustrated through our activity and commented on while our classmates reflected on the experience. Such a cool feeling - and, as always, I had some very nice additional conversations with some classmates. I love that class!! I don't think I have thanked my friend enough - a certain individual responsible for my dropping a psych class and taking this narrative analysis one. I am SO glad she did. I cannot imagine NOT participating in this amazing, dynamic learning process.
And it has so opened my eyes to what reseach has the potential to be - just as rigorous, but with very different methods, data sources, and presentation/representation. Not always readily accepted by traditionalists, but why shouldn't/couldn't it be?
And I get to have a personal trainer for the remainder of the semester through one of the SES (sport and exercise science) courses at school, SES 490: Exercise Assessment and Programming. SES majors develop, organize, and implement a training program for a "real" person, which means they need & take volunteers from around campus, and I'm one of those volunteers this year. My trainer has actually been doing it (training) for a little while and likes it so much he decided to pursue a degree in it while still working out and training others, himself. He has a very holistic approach to "fitness," loves learning - wants to come back for his masters next year - and loves sharing knowledge, which totally clicks with me! And best of all, even though their class/our sessions are only on Mondays and Wednesdays, he checked with his teacher and is going to have me come to his gym where he works a couple extra times a week, so I get to start this weekend! Yay! And while maybe I should hold off on the excitement until I find out exactly how hard he is going to work me, I can't help but really look forward to it - a (free) personal trainer who is going to work with me in a way that focuses a lot on core strength and how all my body parts work together (instead of isolating certain muscle groups) in all dimensions of fitness (i.e. cardio, speed, strength, power, diet, stress, etc.). This has the potential to really benefit both of us. Maybe I'll even get to where I can make it through an entire orchestra rehearsal without slouching... I'll definitely keep updates...
Oh, and I have the most awesome, wonderful boyfriend. He makes me feel so good just for being me. And I love him for being him. In fact, we often tell each other, "Thank you for being you."
It's an important thing to say, and an important thing to hear - so to everyone in my life and whoever might happen to read this, thank you for being you.
And now off to orchestra, and then work on editing that manuscript. Life is good :)

My Left Foot

2009-02-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

My Left Foot is a 1989 movie starring Daniel Day-Lewis as Christy Brown, a man born with cerebral palsey, but with control over his left foot. It's a true story and a very good movie.

But I'm just borrowing the title.

While I am appreciative for my good health and physical capabilities, MY left foot making me cranky. I was very excited to be getting back into running, with the goal of running a marathon or some organized running event this summer (see my Feb. 9th post). But running has been difficult since last Saturday. My horse and I ran some hills (I'm trying to get his butt back in shape, too. Literally - gotta' build up those butt muscles so he uses them instead of carrying all his weight on the front end). Anyway, my left achilles started to hurt a little like it does, but I must have started to compensate in some weird way, 'cause then some tendon(s) on the outside of my ankle has been hurting and warm and swollen all week. I'm sure it doesn't help that I tried to run on it a couple times, and I jogged & walked hills with my horse again today. But I really have been taking it easy (comparatively).

But now it is so swollen it looks like an egg's been shoved in there (which doesn't sound very big, but we are talking about that bony part of the outer ankle), and a bag of frozen vegetables is keeping it close company.

but seriously. What is with my left foot? It's always the left foot (except for the time it was my left knee...and left arm...and spleen, which is on the left... maybe it's just left side...). Either way, I just want it to hurry up and feel better so I can get back to running. Preferably without going to the doctor. As my parents will vouch, I start to get a little cranky when I don't get out running... ;)

Birthday Reflections

2009-02-12T21:50:00.000-08:00

*Before I get to my regularly-scheduled blogging, I would like to say THANK YOU!!! to everyone with their birthday wishes - my brothers and Heidi and my parents and friends - and thank you, Neil, for helping me to celebrate...tame as it may have been (that's what you get for a Wednesday birthday where you get out of school late and still have research meetings and class on Thursday) :) Thank you all - I really appreciate it, and I love you all dearly. You know who you are and I'll thank you individually soon as I get a chance (I'm aiming for Spring Break in March....). But in the meantime, thanks and I love you!

Now that this is sounding like an acceptance speech, I'll get back to my regularly scheduled blog*

another year older as of yesterday - though, as Neil pointed out, it's not like I'm just 26 for a year and then *boom!* - an entire year catches up with me as soon as the clock hits 11:00 a.m. on February 11th. As I was entering my age into the treadmill at the gym on Tuesday evening, I realized I could just as easily enter "27" versus "26." Like it would make that big of a difference.

It's just weird, though. I'm 27 this year. 25 is the half-way point. 26 still seems... younger. But 27 is only 3 years away from 30. And as I consider it, it's not even that 30 really seems that "old" (yet - maybe I should wait 'til my brother's birthday in March and ask him how it actually feels - what I have to look forward to). Anyway, I actually still feel quite young, and that's what's off about it. I still feel so young - more like 17 than 27 - and what do I have to show for my life thus far? 30 is a milestone coming up fast. When will I feel like a grown-up? And what will I have to show for my years, for my time on earth?
Granted, that same old "what does it even matter?" question can easily apply in this situation, too.
But just a little observation. Everytime I say or write or enter the number "27" I just can't help but feel that I should be a little more grown-up by now - have a few more things under my belt, maybe dress and act a little more like 27. And I'm sure I'm not alone in this, and I'm not so sure it'll ever go away - not anytime soon, anyway.

What does our age really mean? What does it really define about us? Should it necessarily define anything about us?

R & R

2009-02-09T22:24:00.000-08:00

No, not that kind - not the rest-and-relaxation. I'm talking running and research.

Two things I've been meaning to write about but haven't gotten around to it - always something to do.

Running, first. My new runnning shoes are grrrrreat! Asics, of course - the Gel-Panthera - fit like a glove, super comfy, and very supportive for my achilles tendon. I got about 17 miles in this last weekend without my orthodics. Not that I should make a habit of that if I want to keep the tendon happy, but I'm pretty happy. In fact, I'm seriously tempted to go buy another pair now to save for when these ones wear out.

Anyways, between that and Marathon Training for Dummies, I've been feeling good about getting back into a regular schedule of running/training... maybe even with thoughts of running a marathon or mini-triathalon this summer. So far, so good. Getting in long runs, speed/strength work, weight-lifting, core strengthening... I even go running with my horse so we can both get in shape :)

We'll just have to wait 'n see how long this lasts in light of school and research and work and all...

Speaking of which, let's talk some research.

Every semester I face the same problem: which research projects do I choose to go with for the semester, and which do I put on the back-burner? I know it all seems so arbitrary, but at the same time, I feel as though I'm neglecting whatever I don't choose - and almost a little afraid that they'll slip away and I'll never get them back again. I know - weird, right? But true.

SO, I'm going to write about all of them. That way they are down in words - permanent (at least for the duration of this blogger site). It's better when things are down in writing...sometimes...not all the time, I guess...but sometimes and even most of the time as far as I'm concerned. That way things won't be lost - I won't lose them or forget about them, and I can stop stressing about it.

So here are the things I really, really want to research someday, and the things I'm taking on this semester:

For this semester:

1) Srm641 (mixed methods): continue pursuing last semester's topic - Examining Conceptualizations of Caring in Teaching among First-year Preservice Teachers: Developing a Taxonomy of Caring in Teaching (it exists for nursing...how 'bout for teachers? maybe there's even predictive value...)

2) Srm670 (Evaluation methods): UNC peer tutoring program evaluation (including lit review of peer tutoring in higher education, efficacy, added benefits beyond academic gains, etc.)

3) Srm687 (Narrative inquiry): Autoethnography - on being a twenty-something white female "diagnosed" with attention issues as an adult (and all the surrounding issues and arguments)

4) Research topics (for school, outside of classes): a) Curriculum for transformative learning in 6th-grade science classrooms - effects for students & the teacher, b) Favorite teacher stories as a method for assessing preservice teachers' motivations & values of teaching/teachers & patterns in responses, c) music therapy in the middle ages (or, rather, the gap in music therapy in the middle ages), d) Peer Tutoring Program & online tutoring program.

Other things I want to make sure I return to/get to:

*Preservice teachers' motivations for entering teaching. In-service teachers' motivations for staying in/leaving teaching. Comparison of the definitions of caring in teaching across samples (preservice, beginning, & experienced teachers).

*Psychology of music: a) why do students choose to pursue/drop out of music participation in school? b) why do "amateur" musicians return to/continue performing in non-professional settings? c) What is behind those emotional responses to music?

*Anthrozoology: a) exploring peoples' relationships with their pets - perceived vs. "hard" (measurable) benefits, b) Equine-Assisted-Learning.

I'm sure there's more - but those are the major areas of interest. And now they're down in writing. So I can go to sleep (even though sometimes - like now - sleep feels like a waste of time. But it also happens to be necessary...).

So good night :)

Who am I?

2009-01-28T23:36:00.000-08:00

Where is my research "home?"
I feel like a little, lost orphan, wandering outside in the cold, peeking in peoples' windows and wondering if I could see myself fitting in to their world. And I realize that "not all who wander are lost," so maybe I needent feel lost. I could quite enjoy just wandering. But I do - I feel lost.
Where do I fit?

Finally!

2009-01-20T09:52:00.001-08:00

We (Dr. Mark Smith in SES and I) finally found a home for our paper "Teachers are making a Difference: Understanding the Influence of Favorite Teachers" - based on research we're doing with preservice teachers and using "Favorite Teacher Stories" as both a research method and a teaching tool with preservice teachers. The Qualitative Report has accepted our manuscript and will be working with us to publish it!

Back to work for now, but super exciting! :D

So I'm a Snob

2008-12-18T16:09:00.000-08:00

I don't like to think of myself as a snob. And for the most part, I don't think I am. I mean, there's things that I might notice, like spelling and grammar errors, but it's not like I attack or look down on people for it or constantly correct them and rub their writing in their faces. Nope, not a lot gets a rise out of me.

Except data. I think I might have a problem when it comes to data.

In fact, it is progressing to the point that I might be a research/data SNOB. *gasp*

For example, I'm going through a stack of problematic data that our office worker passed on to me - she and another student entered the rest of this ginormous stack, but these ones had been causing some problems for various reasons. So now, as I'm taking care of these problem-children, I'm also running in to problems with some of the other records that were created - data under certain record ID numbers in the database don't match the data for the corresponding record ID numbers written on the hard, paper documents. Some originals have record ID numbers written on them, but these same ID numbers don't seem to exist at all in the database. And then there's the really picky things like incorrect names and hours/minutes being recorded, which, in turn, screws up the reports when you pull them...

And I am sure that is not all human error - the database is great, but has its glitches. But I find myself thinking, "oh no, oh no, oh no, no, no. This is not right. What is going on here?!? " followed by the thought that makes me feel like a data snob:
"I should have just entered this myself, because now I can't trust the numbers are accurate, and I've got to double-check it. ALL of it."

I've already gone through about 1400 individual entries for the tutoring data. Just to make sure.

I get so concerned about how the data was collected, how accurate it is, how accurately it is entered - I'm even the one who goes through and revises the instruments because how can you report on frequency or rank an item with two parts to it? For example, say I'm supposed to assign Never, Almost Never, Sometimes, Frequently or Always to a statement like "My tutor was friendly and professional." Well, what if the tutor was friendly, but not professional (or vice-versa)?
Who else even cares about these things?
[okay, so fortunately I can think of a few other people, like Kiki, so I know I'm not alone :) ]

But seriously, I think I'm developing a problem...

Oh well. I'm just very detail-oriented and aware of the importance of accuracy. That sounds much better than "data snob" ... right? :)

And in other news, I've got some good, some bad, and some ugly...
Well, more like some awesome, some good, and then some ugly.

First, the ugly: I have to spend winter break revising my lit review. It wasn't up to my prof's expectations. It's promising - it's on the right track - I've got "good intuition" with regards to the topic - but it's not where he thinks it needs to/could be. However, while the lit review may be pretty ugly, the situation really isn't. First off, how many profs read lit reviews from an entire class, give thoughtful feedback and some great suggestions (I feel like I've actually got some direction, now, whereas I was definitely lost and wandering earlier) to every single student? Second, how many profs give you an incomplete and the chance to improve your work (as opposed to just failing you?). Finally, how many profs encourage you (and mean it!) to continue bringing your work to them for feedback whether the course is officially over or not?
I seriously think I'd like him on my dissertation committee...
But, in the meantime, lots of work and fixing to do so I can get a grade in place of that dreadful "I" on my transcript.

Second, the good: passed EF with flying colors, and really, really got a lot out of the class. "Executive functions" is a phrase I have started incorporating in to conversations daily...or at least every-other day ;) Definitely given me plenty to digest.

Finally, the awesome: I actually got an "A" in statistics! What!?! I've given up on getting A's in stats classes - qualitative research courses I do well with, but the harder stats, not so much. I'd settled for working my tail off for "B's." but I pulled an A??? Yay! I still don't believe it, but I've checked about 5 times and it still says the same thing.

Aaaah. Now, just need to clean up that "I"...
But first, back to work!!

Hope everyone else is hangin' in there and is ready for the Holidays.
And CONGRATULATIONS to Kiki for PASSING HER DISSERTATION and landing a sweet VISITING PROFESSOR position!! It's "Dr. Kiki" to you! :)

A Partridge for Your Pear Tree

2008-12-13T18:37:00.000-08:00

Haven't posted in almost a month - crazy, crazy school (and I'm not done yet! shhhhh!) - but I needed a bit of a break (seriously, it took me about 5 tries just to type "partridge" - I've been at it for a bit...)
Anyways, for a bit of a break and a chuckle, check out Straight no Chaser's rendition of "The 12 days of Christmas"

More later, but enjoy for now!

Straight No Chaser - 12 Days of Christmas

2008-12-13T18:36:00.001-08:00

There seems to be a recurring theme in my life...

2008-11-18T12:31:00.000-08:00

Today's Aquarius Horoscope: Nov 18, 2008
If you often help people in need, dear Aquarius, or if helping people is part of your profession, this day will bring certain ideas into the light. You need to take the time on a regular basis to take care of yourself! If you don't, you won't be able to continue to help others. Think about this, and stop making excuses! Think of yourself for once!

blech

2008-11-17T06:20:00.000-08:00

So last week I started to panic when I realized how close we are to the end of the semester, and exactly how much work I have left to do. A large majority of that work needs to be done this week, so I figured on being super productive all weekend.

Saturday was okay - I was semi-productive - definitely took care of quite a few things that needed taking care of. But didn't get a good run on any of the BIG projects. But that's okay, I figured, I still had Saturday night and all of Sunday.

But then I started to feel like I was going to die. And while I'm exaggerating somewhat, I'm really not exaggerating that much. Coughing up mucus and crap from my lungs and coughing so hard you feel like you're gonna' puke, and couldn't talk all of yesterday (haven't tried yet, today), and the pounding headache.

Needless to say, I didn't get much done aside from sleeping. The best part is that I feel like a slacker for it. Which is just silly!

It is also definitely reinforcing the thoughts I've had of moving back into town, but that's a whole additional story...

Okie dokie - out to do chores and then off to work and school. Everyone have a great day! :)

Crazy Times...

2008-11-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

There is some crazy, crazy energy goin' on in the world - all the changes - all the possibilities. Exciting and overwhelming and all at the same time.
Crazy, crazy, crazy - and I know it's not just me (this time) ;)

Seeing Blue

2008-11-05T19:56:00.000-08:00

First, rest in peace, Michael Crichton. He passed away today from cancer. I still remember reading Jurassic Park to Scott as a bedtime story...

Second, go Colorado!!! We did it!!! We went BLUE!!!

And not just "sort of blue" - it was a regular blue wave last night. Our senator, five of our seven state representatives (one of whom is not only democratic, but also Gay), and our nation's president. Oh, and thank you all for voting NO on 48.

And then there was President Obama's speech. And as Neil and I sat there on his futon watching and listening and reflecting on his words (and completely forgetting about dinner - oops), I almost cried. Yes, it is an historic election for so many reasons, including the election of an African American in to office. No wonder Jesse Jackson was moved to tears - having stood by Martin Luther King, Jr. and now partaking in this election - this moment in history - can you even imagine? But even beyond that, Obama's victory speech moved me. And perhaps I was just getting all caught up in the hoopla, and perhaps my blood sugar was just really low, but his words really struck a chord in me - BEFORE he got to the Yes We Can, he spoke:

"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America -- I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you -- we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years -- block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek -- it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers -- in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people."

Ahhhh. He's right, it will be hard and takes sacrifice, and perhaps I won't agree with every decision he makes, but no one can make everyone happy 100% of the time. And when it comes down to it, there is no reason we cannot work as a unified society. Individualism is great and important, but we also have to remember we are all living this life together. We all breath the same air. We are all responsible for all. And it is that sentiment I heard echoed in Obama's words. And while it may seem rather idealistic, I'm okay with that - from dreams we can make plans, and from plans we can take action.

McCain gave a very good speech, too - I don't know how many of his supporters actually heard what he was saying, but it really was very good, and I respect him very much.

Anywhose, speaking of action, I've gotta' get back to work now. But what an awesome moment in time. And thank you for sharing it with me, Neil. How intense, and how wonderful to be able to talk and get different perspective but share the same base ideals. Amazing and wonderful. :)

Overwhelmed

2008-11-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

And sometimes several thoughts attack me at once. I find myself at that point with my theoretical framework and beginnings of a lit review where I begin to feel overwhelmed by the questions and possibilities and holes. There are so many holes! How can I build upon a foundation that is comparable to swiss cheese? Don't get me wrong - swiss cheese is my favorite. But I get very distracted. For example, I was feeling good about my progress yesterday - felt like I had really identified my niche and was ready to get very specific with my research questions and lit review outline. The I went and read more while I worked out. Then I had some quality thinking time while I drove home. And by the time I got home, I felt lost, again. For example, one of my arguements as to why my research questions are even important is that increased understanding of how preservice teachers enter, develop through, and leave the teacher ed. program can help us to design the program curriculum, leading to better prepared and more effective teachers.
But what the hell is an "effective" teacher?!?!?
Oh, there is research. But, as with most research, there are mixed results, mixed ideas, mixed thoughts on how to apply the information...
So I feel as though I am building an argument on the unstable base of ideas.

Granted, it all starts with ideas, and I can't let it overwhelm me. Otherwise, I will never get anywhere. Another professor I am working with continues to remind me that sometimes all you can do is acknowledge the complex nature and uncertain definitions, and then assert your own stance and move on to your own questions/thoughts. There will always be question and uncertainty, and the only constant in life is change. So it is OKAY.

Whew. Maybe I'm ready to go to the library now... After I give my pony a quick hug-and-kiss...nothing like a big, deep breath of horse!

wow

2008-10-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

Have You...

2008-10-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

Voted yet???

Alright - I suppose it's not November 4th, yet. But if you have mail-in voting or early voting access, Please take advantage! It's quick, it's easy, it's IMPORTANT!!

And as a sidenote, God bless Obama. Seriously - in the "May the Lord Bless You and Keep You" way. In the "May God Protect You and Your Family" way. A story was released to the news yesterday that, last week, the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms uncovered another plot to assassinate Obama. This is the second time they have "foiled" such plans. And you know there have to be more out there. Very real. Very scary. Bless Obama, bless his family. Hell, bless us all.

Ahhh...

2008-10-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

"Your thinking is clear today, dear Aquarius, and you will find that generally things are running smoothly. Your perspective on everything is very much in line with where you need to be at this time. In other words, you are doing everything exactly right. Be yourself and let other people adapt to your way of thinking. There is no need to keep hiding the truth of who you really are."

There have been ups and there have been downs. Such is the way of life. And sometimes there are more frequent ups-and-downs, or the ups and downs are more drastic - the highs may seem higher, the lows lower. The last couple of weeks have fallen into the "more frequent" category. But on Wednesday I finally found some peace and tranquility. I sat there in the chair in my counselor's office, holding the pillow close in my lap like I always do, and when we started I may have been tense and fidgety. But by the end, my entire being had relaxed. I've gotten there - that place where Peter gets in Office Space - but it has always involved meditating. This is the closest I have gotten while still awake & conversing. Crazy, but cool. And of course there are still little hiccups - like statistics tests and tons of reading and so much work to do for school I don't know how/when it's gonna' get done - but I feel anchored. Ahhhhh. And I'm gonna' love it while I've got it.

My Masterpiece

2008-10-20T23:30:00.000-07:00

At last, here the the fruits of my labor -
Well...here is one fruit of some of my labor - but I'm kinda proud of it. I have managed a one-page summary comparing Obama and McCain's positions on education issues.

Granted, it's really, really a summary, but that almost takes more work than just regurgitating everything I can get my hands on. No, instead I have to go through everything I can get my hands on, and then decide what the main points are and how to compare them on one page.
And try to stay unbiased (and un-sarcastic) while I write it out.

So, anyway, as much as I would like to say I'm so cool and politically active that I did all this for fun/personal education, but such is not the case. A fellow grad student and I are co-editors of the Ed Psych Society Newsletter, and we decided it's important to help keep grad students (and other members of the campus community who might stumble across our newsletter) informed of issues outside of the school bubble we so often get trapped in. And because education issues haven't exactly captured the spotlight in the current presidential race, and because we are, afterall, in the field of EDUCATIONAL psychology, we thought it might be nice to provide a little cheat-sheet looking at Obama and McCain's respective positions.

And although it's for the newsletter, why not share it here, as well?
(besides, that way, y'all can tell me if I've got some blatant misconceptions goin' or fail miserably at remaining unbiased or whatever...). And remember, it's a summary. And the formatting isn't as pretty, but that's okay

So have fun, enjoy, or do what you will. I feel like I deserve a beer...but it'll have to wait 'til Friday...

Special Report: 2008 Election
The Presidential Candidates Weigh in on Education*

Barack Obama & Joe Biden
“Lifetime Success through Education"

Current Weaknesses of the Educational System
o Shortcomings/unfulfilled promises of NCLB
o Teacher retention
o Soaring college costs
Teachers & Teacher Recruitment
o Incentives for graduates with degrees in math & science to become teachers
o Boost funding & support for teacher preparation programs (scholarships, accreditation requirements)
o Expand mentoring programs to help w/ retention
o Work with teachers to develop “new & innovative ways” to increase pay; allow districts to reward teachers in underserved areas, teachers consistently excelling in classroom, & mentor teachers
No Child Left Behind (NCLB)
o Reform, starting by increasing funding. Improve assessments, shift focus to individualized instruction
Early Childhood Education
o “Zero to Five” plan – support parents and children from infancy through pre-K
o Expand Early-Head Start/Head Start
o Provide affordable, high-quality child care
K-12 Education
o Address dropout crisis
o Expand & Support (i.e., double the funding) for afterschool programs & college outreach programs
o Math and Science = national priority
Higher Education
o Simplify the financial aid process
o Make college affordable: American Opportunity Tax Credit
Accountability
o Improve the current standardize assessments; long-term tracking of student readiness for college and/or the workplace
o Support schools needing improvement, rather than punishing them

For more information, visit www.barackobama.com/

John McCain & Sarah Palin
“Excellence, Choice, & Competition in Education”

Current Weaknesses of the Educational System
o Cultural problems
o Avoidance of genuine accountability
o Parents lack power/control/choice
Administrators, Teachers & Teacher Recruitment
o 5% of funding set aside for states to recruit teachers graduating in top 25% of class or participating in alternative teacher recruitment program
o Incentive bonuses for: high performing teachers to locate in “the most challenging educational settings;” teachers in subjects like math & science; teachers who demonstrate student improvement
o Funding for professional development
o Localized control of funding (i.e., school principals)
No Child Left Behind (NCLB)
o Build on NCLB; shift focus to inspiring individual students vs. assessing group averages
Early Childhood Education
o Comprehensive approach, focus on literacy & language development, math, motor & social skills.
o Direct funding toward early hearing/vision screening, immunizations.
o Educate parents on preparing children for a productive educational experience
K-12 Education
o Keep parents informed of child’s performance; Offer parents more choice/control
o Single criterion: raise student achievement
o Funding specifically for technological advancement
Higher Education
o Simplify the financial aid process
o Remove/simplify regulatory barriers
Accountability
o Every federally supported program MUST include child-centered, outcome-based standards for quality
o Parents must have more choice/control: Allow parents to pull children from “failing” schools

For more information, visit www.johnmccain.com/

Ya' don't say

2008-10-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

shoulda read this before I got out of bed - might have been more prepared for the day ;)

"Your boat is likely to be rocked today, dear Aquarius, to the point where you and all of your belongings could go overboard. Be prepared to swim for shore. Grounding and stability are the keys to maintaining a healthy headspace, especially when it comes to your ever-fluctuating emotions. Listen to your heart for the answers."

Rest in Peace, Paul Newman

2008-09-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

Paul Newman passed away from cancer on Friday at age 83. He was at home - his farmhouse - with loved ones. The way to go...

We'll miss you, Cool Hand Luke!

This one's for you...

2008-09-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

So much I could say I don't even know where to start. Guess that's what happens when I don't write for awhile and yet my mind keeps up at its usual pace.

Where does time go? Can't believe it is almost October! I love this time of year, though - Warm, sunny days, but cooler nights with a bit of an edge - that smell of the cold yet to come. Granted, I can find things I love & don't-love-so-much about any season.

I think I may be ready to narrow in on a research agenda - have had some good conversations with some good friends who are also grad students. Though I was thinking the other day about something I am SO interested in for my own purposes, and yet I've never considered it as a possible area to focus my research. It's about females and AD/HD - particularly young women and AD/HD. Women who were never "diagnosed" as children, but symptoms become more apparent when these young women begin going through major transitions - such as the transition into college life... What's more, there is research looking at the frontal lobe and eating pathologies. AD/HD is though to impact the frontal lobe... Women and the expression of AD/HD...

I don't know, though - I still view this as more a personal interest than something to really dive in to at this point for school purposes. Granted, I used it as a topic for a class last year, and am using it as another topic this semester, so who knows?

but for now, I will leave that as a side interest. The major challenge at the moment is to figure out how to go about assessing whether knowledge gleaned via equine-guided learning transfers into "real world" situations...

In other news, riding is wonderful, as usual. I've considered (and probably even mentioned that I've considered) moving back in to town every now and then so I can be closer to school. But then I come home and it is quiet (save for the coyotes) and the starts are so ridiculously bright. And I get up in the morning to the relatively quiet fresh air (boy-oh-boy, the donkey is a great alarm clock), and get some physical activity to kick off the day, and get some riding to kick off the day - and did I mention the acres and acres of land to go ride on? I just don't know I could give it up for city-life. Not that Greeley is anything like the city of Denver or even Fort Collins, but still - the point is that I definitely cannot walk around the house naked ;)

I have also been in a ridiculously good mood as of late - tired, workin' hard, and still dealing with some tension headache stuff - but in wonderful mood, nonetheless. The way we interact as humans is fascinating - there are so many dimensions, so many factors. It can be good, bad and even ugly - but right now, mostly good. Great, even.

Except when I start thinking about politics.

last thought for the evening:
"Ignorance may be bliss, but partial ignorance is frustrating."
Thanks for a good night ~N and Kiki! ;)

Teachers and students and horses, oh my!

2008-09-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

I don't get to graduate - don't even get to come close to graduating - until I can make up my mind about what to focus in on for "my" research. But just when I think I've made up my mind, I stumble across something or have this flash and *poof* I've changed my mind, again.

The "biggies" come down to teacher education (particularly preservice teachers) - bridging the gap between their understandings of teaching and learning that they bring with them as students and what/how we expect them to develop as teachers, and then there's this separate notion of caring that has risen from a research project an SES prof. is letting me work on him with. 150 preservice PE teachers (to date) writing about a favorite teacher - and a vast majority describe their favorite teacher as "caring," though this idea of caring is defined in many different ways. So what IS caring? How do these entering preservice teachers understand "caring" in the classroom? Why is it important? How do these students envision themselves caring for their future students? Does their understanding of caring in teaching change as they progress through the program? More importantly, is the construct of caring something we should - something we even can - address more directly in teacher preparation programs?
And that's not even touching on the music teacher stuff....

And then, of course, there is the equine-guided learning. Does it "work"? Can and does it transfer to "real life" (i.e. are the concepts learned while working with the horse generalizable for individuals into other domains of their lives)? And a bunch more questions here...

See, the teacher education path is a good one - has been around and will continue to be around, and is something I am very passionate about - and there is still a very nice niche to be carved as far as the concept of caring. However, I am also passionate about equine-assisted and equine-guided-learning. It is more of an "up-and-coming" field - very young, very little empirical research - which is both good and bad.

At least I've got it down to two main areas.... that some progress, right?

More Internet Streaming

2008-09-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

While mentioning Pandora (the way cool online radio), I forgot to throw in a plug for Hulu - my little brother pointed me that direction so I could add a little culture to my life (you know, so when he asks, "Did you see the episode of (blank)?" I can maybe say YES instead of "Ummm - no."). Anyways, at Hulu you can watch popular clips of TV shows and movies, but there is also a selection of full episodes and feature-length films.
Ya' know - just more stuff to fill your time - or more stuff to do your homework to ;)

Internet Radio

2008-09-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

Lots to say, but not much time, so for now I'll stick to sharing Pandora Radio with you. Pandora is awesome - you can enter the name of an artist you like, and it plays songs by that artist as well as similar artists. If you don't like a song/artist, you can give it a thumbs down, or if you really like one, you can give it a thumbs up, and the radio adjusts the play list accordingly.
So you can create your own stations like that, or you can just select a "station" based on genre.
You do have to register to create your own stations, but registration is your basic email, zip code and password.

So there may be something horrible I don't know about it, but the other GA loves it and told me about it, and so that's what I've been listening to at work - no putting up with radio commercials!

So check it out, enjoy, and more later :)

Here's to Friday!

2008-09-05T15:53:00.001-07:00

Snippets of wisdom from an email Juilie sent me:

The Value of a Drink
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ' ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' ~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.' ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!' ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!~ Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and mo re efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Cheers to Friday, everyone!

Jason Mraz "I'm Yours" video

2008-08-25T22:33:00.001-07:00

Bits and tidbits and morsels

2008-08-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

I love that word - morsels. Mmmmm - mmmorsels. Aaaah.

I also love being a dork - and the fact that Kiki says there is no such thing as "too dorky" - I love my new job. I spent the afternoon organizing and color-coding data and running f-tests and t-tests and calculating Cohen's d. yeah, yeah - whoop-de-frickin'-do - but it actually makes me feel quite satisfied. All about the simple pleasures, people.

I love where I am in life and all the opportunities that I have - how many people get to ride horses in the morning and then head off to a sweet job and school all afternoon/evening? And free gym priveledges?

I love my family, of course. And my friends. Where would I even be without their love and support?

Speaking of friends, I am loving the book my friend Di lent me - If the Buddha Dated. "make this commitment to [yourself]: More than anything else, I want myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I'm not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies. The more we commit to knowing and accepting ourselves, the more we are able to surrender to loving another person because we have nothing to hide and nothing to feel ashamed of. ... If we live by truth we may have pain, but we will always rest securely within ourselves."

Finally (for now), I also love the Jason Mraz "I'm Yours" song - I posted the music video above. A few choice lyrics:

Well-a you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
I look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
...
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

One bill, two bills, three bills, BROKE

2008-08-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

So I gripe about doctors and medical bills and health insurance a lot, I know. But seriously - just because one health-care professional I was seeing decided to transfer to spending full-time at her private practice, and the counseling center hasn't found anyone to fill in for her, yet, I had to go to the health center downstairs to get my prescriptions renewed. However, they switched up a bunch of stuff down there, so it was like coming in as a new patient all over again. So instead of just getting my prescription script, I had to go through all the paperwork and the intake, and basically have a mental-health interview with the new person, and then fork over a considerably hefty co-pay (yeah - considerably hefty = just shy of $90 - for a copay???).
All that just because I needed a little scrap of paper asking for one-month's worth of pills. And if they didn't actually help, I think I'd just quit cold turkey - but they do help and you're not supposed to quit cold-turkey. Especially before classes start.

But c'mon. We are STUDENTS using the STUDENT HEALTH CENTER with STUDENT INSURANCE. And this is the best you can do for us, people? Next time I'm going back to my family practice guy at the Greeley clinic 'cause I like him & he can write prescriptions, too.
Medical costs are totally kicking my ass. TOTALLY. Has anyone ever maxed out a credit card on just doctor bills and prescription costs? Not that I'm even close to that (thank goodness)...but boy-oh-boy.

In other news, the typical August weather on the Colorado front range has been swapped for October weather. It is overcast and raining (like Western Washington rain, people - not a 5 minute thunderstorm and then done), and it's only 58 degrees outside! This is coming from the sunny 105 degrees two weeks ago. Mother nature is pms-ing or menopausing or something...

Note(s) to self...

2008-08-06T21:45:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

I am only responsible for myself and my own actions

If I don't take care of me, who else will? Who else CAN?

My intuition rarely steers me wrong. Now if I would only listen to it more...

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

I have never regretting helping someone in need. I have regretted NOT helping. Helping pays off. Maybe not right now, but it does. I have complete faith.

Everything works out in the end. If it doesn't work out, it's not the end.

Maybe it's not coincidence that I keep getting "lucky" enough to have the experiences I've had - to get the opportunities that I've gotten. But humility is good, too.

I am worth it. I am SO totally worth it!

Bless my family and my friends. I have the most amazing, loving support in the world. I owe it all to you. Thank you all.

It is NEVER a bad time to say "thank you." It is NEVER a bad time to say "I love you."

I promise I'm okay.

2008-08-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

Because, though the phoenix burns in a fire of its own making, it rises again from the ashes.

And though the phoenix is a mythical being, its image has surfaced across cultures and through the centuries for a reason - if this is what people need to believe, they could do much worse, and it really is very strong symbolism. Like Mom says, "Everything works out in the end, and if it doesn't work out, it's not the end."

(p.s. - thanks, Greg - still love the design!) :)

Binge Installment #2

2008-07-31T21:41:00.000-07:00

3) The Fray "All at Once" - not a whole lot to say on this one right now - but a lot to feel...

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another

Emotional Binges...on Music ;)

2008-07-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

Isn't music great - there is something out there for everyone and everything. It has been an emotional rollercoaster of a summer. So I thought I'd share some of my Summer '08 top selections and a few lyric clips, but it'll be in installments ;)

Today: some Billy Joel and Blue October

1) Billy Joel, "Vienna" - I think this entire song is totally for me...but I'll share ;)

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want, or you can just get old
You're gonna' kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you wanna' be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad, but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can say when you're wrong,
You know you can't always see when you're right (you're right)

You got your passion, you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you crazy child
And take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want, or you can just get old
You're gonna' kick off before you even get halfway through
Why don't you realize, Vienna waits for you?

2) Blue October, "Overweight" - one of my all-time favorites ever since I first heard it - 'specially the part toward the end...and it starts with a very cool solo-guitar riff (*note: I did make a few editorial changes seeing as how the singer has only one brother whereas I have three)
...
So to the friends that even call that I don't call back
I hold you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes I run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry, but I will
...
I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
To try and take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the (boy), I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother(s) know (they) saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years (they've) been my friend(s) who (are) always there

3) Blue October, "Hate Me" - reminds me how many people I have in my life to say "thank you" to, and reminds me how far I've come.

4) Blue October, "Calling You" - love it. 'Nuf said.

Too quick to trust, too willing to love

2008-07-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

but is it such a bad thing? Even if I could, would I want to change that part of me? I suppose it could mean I'll be let down or hurt more, but would I really want to miss out on anything, either? I don't think so... gotta' be willing to give 100% to get 100%, right?

A Good Lesson for Everyone....

2008-07-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

Today's Aquarius Horoscope: Jul 08, 2008

Whether you are a volunteer or you do it for a living, if your daily activity involves some kind of altruism or giving of yourself, today you may learn a very important lesson, dear Aquarius. You are going to learn that in order to help other people, you need to learn to take care of yourself. After all, how can you help other people as much as you would like to if you don't take good care of yourself mentally and physically?

Woohoo!

2008-07-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

I got it!!! My dream job (Well, the kind of job that a graduate student might dream of, anyway...)! I was offered a Graduate Reasearch Assistant (GRA) position with the University's Tutoring Center and I am waaaay excited. I work a scheduled number of hours per week helping research the tutoring center demographics and use and effectiveness and such, and then look into what other universities are doing and recommended "best practices" and such - totally right up my alley, still related to education, and totally cool. And I get paid monthly plus get tuition assistance. AND I get to share workspace with Kiki! Woohoo!

Anyways, I really wanted it but wasn't really expecting to be offered it, so yay! I will miss teaching, but am totally looking forward to August to start this!

Perspective

2008-06-26T22:30:00.001-07:00

So here I am talking about needing a vacation when everything I am doing are things I love and have chosen to do. Doesn't mean I can't get better at saying "no" to obligations, but I have the opportunity and the resources and the health to be going to school and to be riding horses and even to be scooping manure. I don't "have" to be doing these things - I am choosing and able to do these things.

My Aunt Lynn helped shift my perspective. Lynn passed away last night after battling brain cancer for over 8 years. I started to see in Lynn this fundamental shift in her own perspective - what things didn't matter so much anymore, and what things became more important - like family and saying "I love you." And how often do you stop and thank God that you can tie your own shoes? Walk on your own two feet? See the beautiful colors of the sunset? Thank you, Aunt Lynn - I'm sorry I missed you, but thank you for an important reminder, and I love you always.

So, yes - I am still tired at the moment, and I can still work on limiting myself to what I can reasonably handle and still do quality work - but at least I have what I have, and, what's more, I have so many people in my life who love me and care about me that I can share these things with. Thank you all for every thing and every minute you have given me, and for your love and support, and for all your smiles and laughs.

P.S.
Thanks, Uncle Jim, for introducing me to the amazing sidewalk chalk drawings of Julian Beever (above)

Rest In Peace, George Carlin

2008-06-23T22:37:00.000-07:00

RIP, George Carlin: May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008. Died at age 71 of heart failure. Stand-up comedian, Protagonist & Antagonist extraordinaire. The world will miss you, whether or not they realize it, yet.

Yup. Ready for a vacation.

2008-06-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

Or at least change. But, see, just a simple vacay wouldn't quite do it. I'd need to pull a Bob Wiley (Bill Murray's character in What About Bob?) - "Vacation from my problems!" And maybe my own Gil to hang around my neck...hehehe...I love that movie ;)

Or maybe I just need to suck it up and get on with things...but I think that's what I am doing - still keepin' on keepin' on - and everyone needs a vacation every now and then. Hm. Oh well - almost vacation time!

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

2008-06-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day (and belated Mother's Day, for that matter)!

I know lots of people claim to have the best parents on the face of the planet. And, yes, many of you do have fantastic and wonderful parents. But mine really are the best. I'm sure they are both more likely to dwell on their perceived mistakes rather than successes, but I think they have done and continue to do a marvelous job, four times over. Life without the relationship I share with both Mom and Dad would not be nearly the quality it is - having their love and support - having someone you know you can go to for an honest opinion, but also for a good laugh - being able to discuss the trivial and the "deep." To know that your parents will really, truly be there for you (even when you are lashing out at them during your horrible teenage years just because you know they have to love you...sorry about those times), whether with hugs, financial support, or that sometimes-necessary tough love. To know and feel that they really do want the best for you.

I can only hope and strive to be the kind of people my parents are - someday be they kind of parents my parents are.

Love you both very, very much! Thank you!

Restless Person Syndrome?

2008-06-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

How am I going to survive in the real world when I thrive so much on having those "next big things"? I mean, my whole life has been a sequence of events - each having definitive goals. First you get from elementary to middle to high school. Then you graduate high school and go to college. Then you graduate college and either get a job in the real world, or you do what I do and go back to school for a masters degree. Then you finish graduate degree number one and go back for your PhD. But then what? I suppose I could stay a student forever, but even then, I will become stuck in that rut. And getting stuck in ruts makes me feel a little stir crazy. Even now, though I am totally happy with my life - who else gets to go to school and ride horses and work and interact with some awesome people? - I still find myself getting a little restless. They have restless leg syndrome - is there restless person syndrome?

First, there is the prospect of the same old grind for several more years - but I don't know exactly how many because it depends on coursework and getting comps projects and dissertation proposals approved, and then the dissertation, itself - and I just don't know how all that's gonna' fly. It's different with your undergrad and masters degrees (well, was for me, anyway) because you have very clear goals. Here are the requirements you have to meet, and you can check them off the list as you go. Sure, it's not a sure thing - you're not guranteed to "pass" - but I have always had faith in my abilities. But now I'm having doubts, and a large part of that is due to this ambiguity. And in the meantime, like I said, same old grind. Which, again, isn't bad by any means. I love where I live and I love what I do, aside from minor inconveniences like living away from my family and away from my boyfriend. But it's that routine that starts to feel like lack of freedom, and that perceived lack of freedom makes me restless and I want to drop what I'm doing and flee to something else NOW.
Second contributing factor: what comes next? Where will I get a job? And doing what? And what will be that "next big thing"? Paying off student loans?
Dammit - why can't I just focus on the here-and-now and let the big picture piece itself together as we go? I think it's time I start meditating, again...

But, see, as I thought about this restless feeling more, I realized that it might not be "restless" at all - it might be fear. See, I'm very, very afraid of "screwing up" - doing something "wrong" - not being perfect. And if I continue along a consistent trajectory, I'm bound to screw up, eventually. I will make mistakes. I will fail. And even though my logical self can rationalize this in so many ways (it's not failing, it's learning; everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are how you learn and grow; etc., etc., etc.), I still feel like I am failing. And perfectionists don't like to fail, so perfectionists often avoid situations where he/she might fail. So maybe I'm not restless - I'm trying to avoid that inevitable point of failure. I want to move on to something new and different where I can again demonstrate a steep learning curve before I crash on my current path.

Silly - I can't just continually jump from thing to thing. I can't avoid life - or people in my life. I can't be perfect. What is "perfect," anyway? Again, I am reminded of that Serendipity book, Persnickity. Roses are perfect the way they are, thorns 'n all. So what is perfect?

No conclusions - food for thought for me (and a great topic of conversation for my next meeting with my counselor!)

Point Taken

2008-06-08T09:57:00.001-07:00

Today's Aquarius Horoscope: Jun 08, 2008

You are in a unique position to really understand all sides of the issues, dear Aquarius. While this is apt to give you a tremendous advantage over those who still have their heads stuck in the sand, this knowledge also gives you a greater responsibility to the people around you. Intuitively you know what is best, and now you must find a way to bring others around to your perspective and help them find a way out from underground.

Actually...

2008-05-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

I decided that in being myself, I am far better than "normal" - I am totally f-ing awesome!

Happy Pills!

2008-05-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

Alright, so it has always totally bothered me having to take medication regularly. I didn't even like taking asthma medicine, and that's just to help me get the same amount of oxygen with the same amount of work as "normal" people. The first time I went on Paxil, I wanted to hide it from everyone - like I was plagued with some horrible, dirty disease - and I felt broken. Like I was fundamentally broken - damaged goods.

This time around, I've been far more comfortable with the whole situation. I take Zoloft for anxiety and mood swings. I also take Concerta for attention issues. Super low, once-daily doses of each. My counselor has helped me to get comfortable with the whole situation - she says it's like someone with diabetes taking insulin, or taking my asthma medicine every day. Sometimes I still don't believe it - I feel like it's all in my head (no pun intended). Like it's purely a placebo effect. And who is to say, really? Does it matter, though? Or does it only matter that I'm not having daily mood swings and I can actually be mentally present in class? And my overall anxiety level is significantly less? And I actually go to bed, instead of just working until I fall asleep with the light on? And it's not like I'm using this as a BandAide - as a "fix all" pill I can pop an go on about my merry business. I'm going to counseling and visit the psychiatrist regularly, and I've started practicing mindfulness and meditation - in the words of Bob Wiley (What About Bob?): "I'm baby stepping! I'm doing the work! I'm not a slacker!"

Today my psychiatrist was wondering if maybe we should try switching from Zoloft to Prozac for a trial run just because Prozac is also sometimes used for chronic pain conditions - like the 24 hour headaches and urinary tract issues I've been experiencing for the last 2 MONTHS. And though I wish my psychiatrist and the neurologist and the doctor could all get together and come to an agreed-upon plan of action, but, in the meantime, I'm not going to discount the psychiatrist's suggestion because it's not really changing anything I'd normally be taking, anyway - this one just may have some additional positive side effects, in this case. Which I am fine with - in fact, I thought it was very thoughtful of psychiatrist-lady to even care about the other medical issues I've been having.

So what? What about this merits 1 1/2 hours of purging my thoughts into my blog-space? Well, my "okayness" with myself and this situation are still very fragile - as alluded to above - I still have to justify it to myself that I, (1) am benefitting from this, and (2) am still okay as a person. So when someone questions the purpose or necessity of this approach - such as wondering why I would continue this regimen over the summer when I'm not in school - then I immediately start the questioning, again. And I immediately start to feel broken and damaged and, as such, like I'm not good enough. Especially when it is framed in such a way that suggests I am not myself while on medication, and that I shouldn't have to take pills to be "normal."

It just makes me want to scream - "I am finally okay with myself - don't fuck with it!" (sorry about that language, Mom - yes, you raised me better than that). I am SO much myself - and I don't want to have to take pills everyday for the rest of my natural life - but, at the same time, maybe that's how it will work out - hopefully not because, like I said, I am doing the work, but maybe - who's to say? Regardless, I AM normal, I AM myself. So wtf???

And, again, I find myself getting all defensive because I'm really still justifying this to myself.

That said, it is now 11:00 p.m., so I am going home, and maybe then I'll get some work done instead of stewing.

Sad finish to Derby

2008-05-03T20:54:00.001-07:00

Big Brown (above left) took first with an impressive finish - big, beautiful horse with a big, beautiful stride. He started from the 20th post, so he had some serious ground to cover, but he just made it look so easy - like he was hardly even moving 'til the last stretch when he kicked into high gear. And this was just the 4th race of his career. Pretty darn impressive 3 year old.

His 5th race will be the Preakness in two weeks, with his owner and trainer hoping he will become the only 3-year-old with a shot at the title of Triple Crown champion since Affirmed in 1978.

P.S.: did I mention that my big ole' goofball of a gelding has Affirmed bloodlines? I think someone forgot to tell him that - he doesn't go anywhere in a hurry ;)

Second place went to the only filly to have run in the Derby (aka "the Boys Club") since 1999 - Eight Belles (above right). Nineteen colts and one coal-gray filly. And boy-oh-boy did she hold her own - the only horse in the field to come close to Big Brown. She blew passed the finish line after Big Brown, but as she galloped around that first turn following the finish, she collapsed. The television crews hardly even caught it - they were all focused on Big Brown, who actually shied from something, causing his jockey to abruptly dismount (read: he lost his balance, but still landed on his feet). Turns out Brown was most likely spooking from Belles as she went down and her jockey came off.

The reason for her fall? Broken ankles in both front legs - with a compound fracture in the left, exposing the leg to contamination and potential infection. You knew it was bad when she didn't get right up, but it took a minute to get the vet report. She was immediately euthanized once diagnosed - with the breaks being in both legs, there was no way to even splint her and get her into the vet ambulance. And she must have been in so much pain. That's not fair to put a horse through - euthanizing is a difficult choice, but I think it was the right one. She couldn't get up - they couldn't move her - how would she have healed? And would it have been worth it?

What happened for both legs to break? Three and four are like the teenage years in horse world. Should these horses be pushed so hard at this age? Regardless - the point is that it is an awful tragedy - from soaring into second place in the Derby to grounded and broken in seconds - and the single filly amongst the boys.

A bittersweet Derby, today.

Oh, the horrors

2008-05-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

So the wind is ripping through Colorado, today. Yup, gusts up to 65 mph.

As the Greeley Tribune reports: "The wind already is wreaking havoc throughout Greeley, with trees falling, power outages and..." (ooh, here comes the worst part!) "...tumbleweeds blocking front doors."

Feeding this morning was nightmarish, and there have been reports of power outages and uprooted trees and tree boughs breaking off and smashing cars. A powerline (or something...) fell and hit a pedestrian here on campus, and apparently a semi was blown off the road near Wiggins. But the worst, by far, are those darn tumbleweeds blocking front doors.

Oh, the insanity!!!

First sunburn of the season!

2008-04-20T20:08:00.001-07:00

Have you ever reached that point where you are just too tired to care anymore? And you just want to do a spring cleaning of you life? The upside is that you can usually fairly effectively dump some excess baggage from your daily going-ons. The downside is that sometimes you can start dumping things a little too enthusiastically - I know I can, anyways...

In other news - the weather today was beautiful - a little breezy, but it kept things at just the perfect temperature for going out and riding. I love riding - and I love my horse - thank you Lori and Mom and Dad! (Tommy says "thank you," too - he is a very happy boy!!!)

Pam from the second violin section has this perfect bumper sticker - "That horse smell is my aromatherapy"

Aaaaaah - breathe in deep!

Laughs of the day

2008-04-17T09:49:00.001-07:00

First, when I was in the Dr. office this morning, I had to fill out that sheet where you "Check all symptoms that you have experienced."

Included on the list were the symptoms "Loss of bladder" and "Loss of bowel."

Boy - that would be problematic - "Ya' see, doc - I just seem to have lost my bladder. Don't know where it went or why - I just woke up and was experiencing this horrible case of lost bladder."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
These next two are courtesy of Michelle - Thanks for the laughs!! :)

1) This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. You may recognize it from email forwards. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter…

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. 'Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or' Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong.'

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
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2) To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria - found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop; Wine = Health.
Therefore, it' s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.

Mom was right...

2008-04-12T05:46:00.000-07:00

And there it is in writing.
I've decided that time is kind of like money in the bank - you always want to try and keep a little extra just in case of emergency. Well, I am learning that time is the same way - you always want to keep a little extra in case of emergency. As I have mentioned before, I really like packing my schedule nice and full - not enough to be totally stressed all the time - but enough to stay good 'n busy 'n out of trouble ;). However, having felt so completely gross as of late, and spending so much time sleeping, I finally get it. If I save up some extra time for these "just in case" situations, then sleeping extra really won't be interfering with too much. Like having money in the bank, baby.
I finally get what mom has been saying for years now. Just had to find out for myself, as usual - thanks mom :D

Speaking of sleeping - funny story to share. So I stopped by Sam's Club before orchestra on Thursday, and it really wasn't as busy as I'd expected, so I got out of there and was early to orchestra by about 45 min. So I figured I'd just lay my head down on the passenger seat and take a 15-20 minute nap until other people started to show up. It was a pretty safe idea (so I though), 'cause I never really fall asleep in my car, and I'd hear everyone else getting there and talking and opening and shutting car doors and such. But, oops - I misjudged. I didn't wake up 'til 7:02 - and, yes, rehearsal starts at 7:00. So I walk in 5 minutes late - not because I got there late, but because I got there so early! I felt really silly for that one... oh well, no harm.

Is this my excuse for skipping classes? ;)

2008-04-07T05:10:00.001-07:00

Horoscope-of-the-day: "Stress could take a bit of a toll on you today, dear Aquarius. You might temporarily misplace your drive and ambition, and be left wondering if it's really worth it. This is not a good day to start projects, or to get involved in important discussions. If you can, stay home, relax, and get some rest. You might be skipping a few chores, but in the long run you'll be better off. Treat yourself to a good book and a pint of chocolate ice cream!"

Have I or have I not been feeling this for, oh, the last three weeks or so? But maybe this is just supporting that, yes, it is okay to skip class! :D

Oh, I suppose I'll wait 'n see what the doctor has to say, first, but it is a nice thought (well, except the ice cream part...but maybe some sorbet or sherbet or fro-yo).

Happy Monday!

p.s.

2008-04-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

I love my new bed set - LOVE IT!!! I think I might marry it. ;)

Rest in Peace, Charleton Heston

2008-04-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

Charleton Heston (originally Charles Carter) died yesterday night. One of the coolest actors ever, in my opinion - obviously known for films like the 10 Commandments and Ben Hur and Planet of the Apes, one of my personal favorites is actually The Omega Man. Oh, and dude - he was married to the same woman since 1944. Quite respectable for a "Hollywoodian," eh?
Rest in Peace, Charleton Heston.

am i really cut out for this?

2008-04-06T00:06:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I just start to wonder if I'm cut out for this. I get to that point where I don't even know what to say or what to do - does that feeling - that doubt and that fear - ever go away? It has to, or how d'you ever make it through life?

Okay, so I'm sure you still get through life - that's being a little drastic - but what sorts of relationships can you truly form with people? It's funny - for being such a people-person, I sure get to that point where I don't even want to deal with people. And not because of the other "people," but because I start to drive myself crazy! What can I say and what should I say (or shouldn't), and how do I/should I react to things and am I being too judgemental or too obnoxious and why am I so quick to lay all the blame and responsibility on myself? And why am I so afraid? Even when I do have the opportunity to just be totally comfortable and be totally myself and totally open with someone I trust - I'm still reserved and afraid. Why? Where did that come from? It's different with my family, at least. I mean, I'd hope so, after 26 years (well, 23 in Scott's case) but not everyone shares the relationship with their family that I do with mine.

I am totally intrigued by intuition, too - my counselor is always telling me to trust my intuition - but what IS intuition?

Simple pleasures

2008-04-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

Forgot to share the highlight of my week - I splurged on a new comforter and sheet set. When I don't feel well, I am all about comfort - comfort foods, comfort-smells (Horses, clean laundry and bar-soap being at the top of the list - especially Zest and Lever2000 - followed closely by gingerbread and tea with honey and lemon), and comfort-touches. So I found an alternative-down hypoalergenic comforter with a microfiber cover in a lightish blue, and a sage green egyptian cotton sheet set. All for a very reasonable price at Ross. And then I actually took my books and laptop off my bed and crawled under the covers and slept good and hard. Aaaah - so nice!
No more smoothies or fro-yo for the rest of the month, but totally worth it!
All about the simple pleasures of life...

Mmmmm...tasty

2008-04-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

You know what is tasty? Fish oil gelcaps. They're really not that gross - but they smell perfectly awful. You know what else is tasty? Apple cider vinegar. My massage therapist recommended that I add that to my daily diet (along with the fish oil, ginger tea, pure cranberry juice, and a few other suggestions). So I was just curious about how you "take" the vinegar and how much, etc., so I googled it, and there is all this information on how good it is for you - all these purported health benefits. They're not all medically proven, but I don't see it huring anything as long as I eat bananas to keep my potassium levels up - and it is sure to increase urine acidity - So why not try it? But I haven't quite gotten used to the taste, yet - some recommend adding it to apple juice, but the most popular recommendation (including that on the bottle) is to mix 2tsp. ACV, 2tsp. honey, 2tsp. lemon juice, and 8 oz. of water. You can also add some Cayenne pepper to help flush your system, and some pure maple syrup or dark molasses for I forget why. Ewwwww. And it's the unfiltered vinegar, so it looks a little gross, but, again, it's supposed to offer the most benefits.
The next suggestion my massage therapist gave me was to fast for about 48 hours to see if that helps with the stomach pain - so only water and 16 oz. of this concoction and 16 oz. of the cranberry juice daily. I'm thinkin' I'll give it a shot starting tomorrow...but we'll see ;) Dude, and even the cranberry juice I might need to water down, 'cause we're not talking Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice "Cocktail," or even the 100% juice sweetened with apple and grape juice - we are talking pure cranberry juice reconstituted with just some water - only 9 grams of sugar per serving (vs. the 28 - 34 grams you get with even the 100% juice). Talk about some bite! But it is very good - far better than drinking vinegar ;)
You know what it reminds me of mixing up the vinegar concoction? Dyeing Easter Eggs - we used to get those colored tablets that you drop into vinegar and then use those to dye your eggs.

Crazy days and thoughts

2008-03-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

The the craziest thing happened yesterday!
(okay, maybe not the craziest, but pretty darn crazy)

So I met with a friend of mine last night to study for today's statistics test. She lives in Fort Collins, and there really aren't a lot of "half-way" meeting points, so I just went over there to meet with her. Well, being Fort Collins, there a MANY options for places to meet. We decided on one particular Starbucks location. So I get there, and I go to order a chai, and the person behind the counter looks up to take my order, and it is BETH!

Beth and I met in the first grade in Mrs. Luther's class. We were best friends all through elementary school, went to different middle schools, but were back together again come high school. Girlscouts, most of the same classes, cross-country and track - we were the two crazy girls on the team who actually liked running for fun and would go on long runs together.
So she went off to college in CA while I stayed in WA, but we both end up in Colorado for grad. school, and then *poof* - it is Beth behind the counter at that one particular Starbucks. Small world, isn't it?! SO crazy! we chatted, I met her husband, and now we finally have each other's contact info. But I am still shakin' my head over the whole thing - we picked that Starbucks and met at that time and there was Beth!

Crazy...

And, for your entertainment, a few more random thoughts:

Sometimes it is interesting when people who like grayness and like analyzing things communicate with those who prefer the black-and-white approach. I'm not saying any approach is better or worse - just a simple observations that it can present challenges in communication.

You know what else is challenging? Self-evaluation - like really, deeply evaluating yourself and your perspectives and views and how you view the world and considering your interactions with others. And then deciding what to do with that information.
Except maybe it's not challenging at all - this is, afterall, just my perspective on things.
It's also challenging when you know you are being hypocritical, but that change is slower in coming. Why can't it change immediately, and why shouldn't it? But easier said than done...

It is frustrating as hell to have so little confidence that you look to others to validate your own views and opinions. It is a SELF-perspective...
And is it self-confidence, or is it something else? Value is in there, too. What else?

Dude, and how frustrating IS hell?

What is the meaning of life?

Are we all unique individuals, or do we just like to think so?
How is it that those desires for belonging and for individuality coexist? How do we accommodate for that in our selves and in our lives?

Looking at different types of relationships is fun and interesting - and confusing, but that's part of the fun.

How much of this will I read later and wonder - "why did I say that?" "what did I mean?" or think - "oh, I cannot believe that was my thought process!"
Does it matter? Does it matter what I did think, or only what I do think?

Oh, and note to self: remember the word "Compromise" for later...