TB & ANTM r gr8

Apparently I need to post something more upbeat - ya' know, more representative of the typical me...my smartass, dirty-minded self ;0) Luke says so, and we all know that Luke gets what Luke wants, or he'll whine like a little girl =09 Wait, that was kind of mean and inappropriate - I shouldn't stereotype (and insult) girls like that...

By the by - I would like to thank my wonderful parents for the person I am today - I love you!

Look how smart Lonnie's puppy, Riata, is! She typed this all by herself - capital "A" and all!

A,/

Anyway, do you know how hard it is to write on something upbeat when you're under pressure? Well, do ya'? Punk? (and by "punk" I mean Luke). Do you know what else is challenging? Trying to figure out exactly what other people think of you. Not even in the "oh God, what does so-and-so think about me! Maybe I need to change!" No, more of the bemused, "huh, isn't that interesting." I just say this 'cause I'm curious what impression Luke be getting of me. Probably about as good as the impression I'm getting of him...like I said, Nice Guy my ass ;0)
Okay, what else is lighthearted? Um. Yup. I'm pretty well convinced I have the mental maturity of an 18-year-old. Mind in the gutter. Need I say more?
Dammit - and I need a summer job. And I feel like I have ADD - just 'cause I get so easily distracted by things! lEven one of my professors made fun of me about that. And it's quite challenging to follow direct lines of thought for too long. That's part of what I love about me, though! Keeps things interesting, and provides so many opportunities to laugh...at myself...with myself - it's all the same =D.

Oooh, I know what is upbeat - or at least fun. Sharing fun facts and secrets that might surprise people about yourself. And THAT makes me think of Aunt Lori's funny story about prank calling people with the Baby Secret Doll that she had. lol. =0)

Anywhose, Karen Fun Fact #1: Not only do I love Tyra Banks, and not only do I love America's Next Top Model, but I would totally love to BE on ANTM. I think it'd be fun, and I could totally rock it!

Your turn!

Yay for being SO Cliche

So, I'm sitting here, swigging down a fine, darker ale and enjoying some variety of triple-chocolate fro-yo, replying to blogs, doing some blogging of my own, and watching The Sweetest Thing. I am so Cameron Diaz's character. And I feel SO cliche! Yay! Hey, and apparently, I'm a poet, didn't know it! ;0)

There is SO much I want to blog on. I love writing. I hope I get that job I applied for that is working from home approx. 32 hours/week writing web content. That'd be fun...
But I digress. I don't even know what to say. Jael, I love you, and I love that you understand being a walking contradiction. Thank you for always being there (including to drive my car home)!

And, on the off-chance that you read this, Bart, thank you, too. I still haven't decided if I like this aspect of a "real" relationship. Like I said to Jael, I have managed to live 25 years without ever feeling this way - well, maybe close once, but it was different. Similar feelings, but waaay different situation. And I don't know that I like this. But, like Jael said, it's good to be feeling these things - part of life. I experience such extremes, though, and often at the same time. It just makes things rather confusing and uncomfortable. What would life be without such experiences? Bland, I imagine.

Still...sometimes I hate feeling. And I'm scared of feeling so intensely, and I'm scared that I might believe you, Bart. Or maybe I just want to believe you, but, at the same time, can't bring myself to believe you. And, pardon my language, but what makes you so Goddamn special that I even care!?! I am the queen of staying detached, and now I feel like I have tumbled head-over-heels, and am in over my head. And I am so torn over wanting to just walk away (as is habit), and wanting to stick around to see what happens.

I'm still slightly annoyed with you, and slightly pissed at you. C'mon, you have to admit you kind of handled things in a pussy-ass sort of way. Were you hoping I would bring it up first? Sorry - I knew it was coming, but wanted to hear you say it.

However, at the same time, I am still so appreciative of your sincerity and honesty. I still care about you, and I still feel like you have that ability to read me like a book. And I believe that you care. Even though we can't see what the future may hold, I am still so thankful for all you have given me.

And I know where you live ;0)

Aye - so many conflicting emotions. Perhaps I'll just go back to my beer-and-icecream combo, get some sleep, and give myself some time to process all that just happened. Doesn't even seem real...

In the meantime, I love you SO much Jael. thank you. And thank you, too, Bart. Enjoy your summer.

Wednesday hump day

Let's just call a spade a spade and acknowledge the fact that I am in a very "blech" sort of place, right now. Not really a bad mood, not really depressed, not really in a funk (though that's probably the closest). I probably just need to go to bed, and it's not even anything serious - just lots of little stuff. Like I said to my little bro, I'm sure the fact that my remembering to take my "happy drugs" has been spotty, and that I haven't gotten to see my counselor in, like, two weeks isn't helping. Nor the fact that I'm sick again. Nor the fact that it's just "that" week, this week (aren't you glad to know that? But that's okay - the way I see it, this is like my online journal - if you want to read it, well, that's your decision).

Yup, I think it's a bunch of little things. I got a B in a class. What!?! Well, that makes sense, doesn't it? - I told the professor that was the grade I felt I deserved - a B. What was I thinking? Who ever answers that question so frickin honestly? I HATE that question! There goes my GPA. But, more importantly, why do I care so much? Someone is coming to look at Tommy on Saturday, and his canter on his right lead is broken. It was fixed, I put him up for sale, and it's broken? I need a job, but I'm kinda' picky about jobs. And I went on this interview today - the second round, actuall - the "callback - and ohmygod was it a long day! And I decided, after the entire day spent shadowing one of the current employees, that I don't want to work there, it just feels like a day completely wasted. But, the upside is that I won't end up working there and deciding, say, a few weeks down the line that I'm perfectly miserable working there. but I need a job - I am SO broke!
I have no idea what I'm doing with myself over the summer, but need to figure it out. There's that "need" word, again. What does that even mean?
I feel like the worst daughter/granddaughter/niece for doing such a lousy job staying in touch.
I suck at taking compliments - I try to attribute them all to some external factor. No, I'm not good at "x" - I just happened to have LOTS of help! Why can't I take a compliment and own it? And why do I suck at listening to my intuition? Jael, I think I need lessons... =0)

Really, I think it boils down to me labelling entirely to much - the "should" and the "need to" words, ya' know? And getting to tied down to the material, concrete things. I need to get some sleep, meditate some, and reconnect. I am not a bad, horrible, lazy, , , person (you fill in the blanks with whatever negative attributes I might concoct for myself). I am a young, active, intelligent, talented, and pretty-damn-cool woman - I rock! And I am going to do big and important things! (as I proclaimed to my Wednesday class when our prof asked what we're going to do when we're done with school...one of my second least favorite questions, next to "what grade do you think you deserve"). And I got a 100% on big scary final. Who cares about a "B" - I got a 100%! If I think about it, I still don't feel I deserve it, but the prof thought I did, so I'll trust his judgement.

Okie dokie, I'm going to bed now. Sorry for the ranting and raving. Wait, no...I'm NOT sorry. Like I said, this is my journaling session - ya'll are making the choice to read it or not.

G'night!

blech

This is my third time being sick this semester - fourth if you count the horrendous, week-long tension headache I had the week before last. What gives? I don't get sick, and when I do, it's, like, a three-day thing and then I'm better! Dammit!

At least this time it's staying as an upper-respiratory / sinus thing, and not hitting my lungs, again. However, I still do not enjoy the sore throat, cough, scratchy smoker voice, and sinus so plugged that my teeth hurt.

That's right - ya'll best be takin pity on me ;)

Ok - done whining - it's really not that bad, and whatcha' gonna' do, anyway? I've got a whole long list of other topics I've been wanting to blog on, but I just took Nyquil, so for now, I'm going to do some reading and go to sleep.

Ya'll take care! =)