Borrowed words

I was going to post about honesty, but I felt this blog summed it up better - I couldn't get the direct link to work, so here's the ammended text, from http://www.emergingcity.com/2005/12/.

December 21, 2005
The Problem with Honesty
When you’ve come from some form of poverty, extreme brokenness, or marginalized part of society, everyone wants you to be honest. Courts want you to be honest. Case managers want you to be honest. Addiction counselors want you to be honest. Therapists want you to be honest. Housing facilities want you to be honest. Medicaid technicians want you to honest. Food stamp personnel want you to be honest. Churches want you to be honest. Everyone wants you to be honest.

The problem is that when you are tied up with all these people wanting you to be honest, honesty requires vulnerability. Though this is a special kind of vulnerability. A kind where your life, your kids, and your future depend on how someone responds to your honesty. However, when most of the people asking for such levels of honesty have never had to risk everything by being so honest themselves, it becomes difficult...When such a level of honesty forces you to put everything on the table and deal with it, it is painful. Add a few or so experiences where you've tried honesty, and it was abused by someone close. Forget about it. The only person that can ask for honesty, is someone that knows what it takes to be so honest.

I am reminded of what this felt like at the beginning of fall. My wife and I were supposed to hand in all our paperwork to the housing authority front desk staff like everyone else. With a new technician asking us to lay our lives on the table, the information they requested was just too delicate to leave to interpretation. Honesty about income. Honesty about criminal history. Honesty about everything is just too much.
We pleaded for a face to face visit so we could let them know that we are real people. Real human beings with real stories . We are more than just information filled out on an application. I was mixed with emotions. I wanted to take advantage of their system since it had denied me before. Though I was desperate for a moment where they would finally recognize that I was worth the risk, even if I failed. This kind of vulnerability is not only difficult, it is tormenting.

However, the problem with this kind of honesty they ask for, is the unwillingness of those asking to accept that some things won't, or can't change. At least not now. How do we warrant asking someone to be honest, and then penalizing them for doing so when their honestly takes us further into the depth of their hopelessness? When are we asking only for what we want to hear?
While there are so many good policies in place, and appropriate guidelines needed for maintaining order, these are all beside the point. The real question is “How do we truly wish to reach and help transform those who have no concept of trust, when we aren’t able to trust ourselves”. When do we let our own weaknesses become our strength?
Everyone needs to be so desperately honest. Institutions need to be so desperately honest. The church needs to be so desperately honest. We all have our issues and we all need to act as if though our lives depend on our honesty. We need to stop asking for honesty, and be honest. From those being helped, to the ones helping. At every level people must learn what it means to take risks and be vulnerable with someone. Anyone. Not just God, but real people. We must lay it all on the line, everyday.

Then we must constantly do so without ceasing in spite of negative experiences. Only this kind of honesty will keep us real, keep us sane, and keep us all at a level where we see each other as the same. Where we see one another in God’s image, and have reckless compassion for humanity. This kind of honesty is available to everyone, but it costs so much. You must be willing to live like everyone is asking you to be honest. You must live as though your life, your kids, and your future depend on how someone responds to your honesty. Yes, this kind of honesty is not perfect, it is completely vulnerable. But it is honest.
Posted by Sam Trujillo at 09:25 PM
http://www.emergingcity.com/2005/12/

This is "The Wanderer (Above a Sea of Fog)" by one of my favorite Romantic-Period artists, David Caspar Friedrich. Classic, popular representative piece. Talk about a way to express feelings without words.

What am I doing with my life?

Deep thoughts

So, if the technology to travel back in time existed, instead of sending all these different terminator models back in time to assassinate/protect Sarah & John Connor, why didn't a whole bunch of them just travel back in time to take over the world? Not that technology was up to par, yet, but I'm sure the different cyborg models could have figured it out between them - handed themselves over to an evil mastermind genius or something.

So what is it that I'm missing...?

Not that I'd put too much in store by this, but it does make a relevant point...

I'm not one of those people who has to read my horoscope and talk to my life-advisor before I can start going on about my business each day (supposedly, I was dealing with some serious anger yesterday and needed to avoid confrontational situations?), but I do think it's fun to read the little daily msn-homepage horoscopes.

Today's, though, actually seemed particularly relevant, as I still haven't decided whether to stick to my "graduate-sometime-this-century" plan for the semester (4 or 5 courses, a research paper started w/ a prof. last semester, a research project started w/ a prof. last semester, and my comps papers) or accept the research-assistant position offered up by another prof. I had just really, truly decided to not do it this semester, and then went in to talk to said prof. this afternoon, who still suppots that passing up would be a huge mistake - he thinks I should take on research over the semester and then take summer classes. Um. Yuck - especially since the research project would be good experience and pays, but relates in no way to my personal research interests. But at least I didn't cave under pressure, and, interestingly enough, this today's aforementioned horoscope:

"Don't be a pushover today, dear Aquarius. This is your time to lead. At least get your opinion out in the open and let it be known to the people around you. Put some fire in your day in order to liven things up and get the energy moving. There may be a powerful transformation that takes place within you as you start to wield your power instead of giving it away blindly to the people around you."

Good New Year Advice

Cheesy as it may sound, the following article, "Joy: How to Make it Last," actually has some quality advice and worthwhile considerations heading into the new year...in my humble opinion, at any rate. And in the spirit of the article, Thank You! to everyone in my life for being the wonderful, thoughtful people you are, and for making my life so amazing - my parents, my family, my friends, my fantabulous boyfriend, and even those of you with whom my encounters have been brief, or have yet to happen. Love you all!

Great to be wanted...???

Serious decision time. I hate making decisions. I don't even hate it, I'm just not good at it. I know what I don't want (hehe, just talk to my parents about that one), but as far as what I do want? well...??? there are just so many choices!

Anywhose, toward the end of fall semester, a psych prof approached me with an RA position (Research Assistanship) for spring semester. So the first step is to decide if I should accept it. Seems like a no-brainer - research experience, overseeing undergrads, establishing a good relationship w/ a prof who can do things like write letters of recommendation, and potential presentation & publication opportunities. PLUS, getting a tuition break and monthly stipend.
Duh. Who wouldn't accept it!? Especially when said prof pulled you out of the hallway to talk specifically with you? Another grad student might be working on the project, too, which is even cooler 'cause it's a student I'm close with and know I work well with.
Again, uh, duh!?

BUT, I am also teaching (though only one class vs. two), enrolled full-time (currently for 15 credits, but I can drop to as low as 9), still working on the transformative learning research project (though I'm not getting paid for that one--just wanted to do it), working on the historical inquiry paper with another professor, and still helping with chores @ home (and riding come spring). Oh, and the writing gigue wants me back. Not that the pay is great, but it's totally flexible hours and something I can work on anywhere I can get an internet connection - and should be running through the summer.

Granted, in the long run, the RA position seems like a better career move than free-lance writing, but another one of my secret desires is not only to be published in academic journals, but to be invited onto the editing board for said journals. There enters the writing experience. Hmm.

Dunno.

Before I can really decide, I need to talk to the prof about the hours he would need me, 'cause if I'll be expected in schools down in Denver at 8:00 in the morning, that may be a stretch between morning chores and commute time. So there are considerations such as those.

Nope - just don't know - but need to decide asap!!! The pressure!!!

18.14596% - Geek

So I took The Inner-Geek Test that Kiki referrenced. My grand total...(drumroll, please)...18.14596%. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a Geek, though I tend to classify myself as a Dork, maybe a nerd, before I'd call myself a geek, but whatever.

And now I expect y'all to go take this and report back. Happy Geeking =0)