How am I going to survive in the real world when I thrive so much on having those "next big things"? I mean, my whole life has been a sequence of events - each having definitive goals. First you get from elementary to middle to high school. Then you graduate high school and go to college. Then you graduate college and either get a job in the real world, or you do what I do and go back to school for a masters degree. Then you finish graduate degree number one and go back for your PhD. But then what? I suppose I could stay a student forever, but even then, I will become stuck in that rut. And getting stuck in ruts makes me feel a little stir crazy. Even now, though I am totally happy with my life - who else gets to go to school and ride horses and work and interact with some awesome people? - I still find myself getting a little restless. They have restless
leg syndrome - is there restless
person syndrome?
First, there is the prospect of the same old grind for several more years - but I don't know exactly how many because it depends on coursework and getting comps projects and dissertation proposals approved, and then the dissertation, itself - and I just don't know how all that's gonna' fly. It's different with your undergrad and masters degrees (well, was for me, anyway) because you have very clear goals. Here are the requirements you have to meet, and you can check them off the list as you go. Sure, it's not a sure thing - you're not guranteed to "pass" - but I have always had faith in my abilities. But now I'm having doubts, and a large part of that is due to this ambiguity. And in the meantime, like I said, same old grind. Which, again, isn't bad by any means. I love where I live and I love what I do, aside from minor inconveniences like living away from my family and away from my boyfriend. But it's that routine that starts to feel like lack of freedom, and that perceived lack of freedom makes me restless and I want to drop what I'm doing and flee to something else NOW.
Second contributing factor: what comes next? Where will I get a job? And doing what? And what will be that "next big thing"? Paying off student loans?
Dammit - why can't I just focus on the here-and-now and let the big picture piece itself together as we go? I think it's time I start meditating, again...
But, see, as I thought about this restless feeling more, I realized that it might not be "restless" at all - it might be fear. See, I'm very, very afraid of "screwing up" - doing something "wrong" - not being perfect. And if I continue along a consistent trajectory, I'm bound to screw up, eventually. I will make mistakes. I will fail. And even though my logical self can rationalize this in so many ways (it's not failing, it's learning; everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are how you learn and grow; etc., etc., etc.), I still feel like I am failing. And perfectionists don't like to fail, so perfectionists often avoid situations where he/she might fail. So maybe I'm not restless - I'm trying to avoid that inevitable point of failure. I want to move on to something new and different where I can again demonstrate a steep learning curve before I crash on my current path.
Silly - I can't just continually jump from thing to thing. I can't avoid life - or people in my life. I can't be perfect. What is "perfect," anyway? Again, I am reminded of that Serendipity book, Persnickity. Roses are perfect the way they are, thorns 'n all. So what is perfect?
No conclusions - food for thought for me (and a great topic of conversation for my next meeting with my counselor!)
