Wednesday hump day

Let's just call a spade a spade and acknowledge the fact that I am in a very "blech" sort of place, right now. Not really a bad mood, not really depressed, not really in a funk (though that's probably the closest). I probably just need to go to bed, and it's not even anything serious - just lots of little stuff. Like I said to my little bro, I'm sure the fact that my remembering to take my "happy drugs" has been spotty, and that I haven't gotten to see my counselor in, like, two weeks isn't helping. Nor the fact that I'm sick again. Nor the fact that it's just "that" week, this week (aren't you glad to know that? But that's okay - the way I see it, this is like my online journal - if you want to read it, well, that's your decision).

Yup, I think it's a bunch of little things. I got a B in a class. What!?! Well, that makes sense, doesn't it? - I told the professor that was the grade I felt I deserved - a B. What was I thinking? Who ever answers that question so frickin honestly? I HATE that question! There goes my GPA. But, more importantly, why do I care so much? Someone is coming to look at Tommy on Saturday, and his canter on his right lead is broken. It was fixed, I put him up for sale, and it's broken? I need a job, but I'm kinda' picky about jobs. And I went on this interview today - the second round, actuall - the "callback - and ohmygod was it a long day! And I decided, after the entire day spent shadowing one of the current employees, that I don't want to work there, it just feels like a day completely wasted. But, the upside is that I won't end up working there and deciding, say, a few weeks down the line that I'm perfectly miserable working there. but I need a job - I am SO broke!
I have no idea what I'm doing with myself over the summer, but need to figure it out. There's that "need" word, again. What does that even mean?
I feel like the worst daughter/granddaughter/niece for doing such a lousy job staying in touch.
I suck at taking compliments - I try to attribute them all to some external factor. No, I'm not good at "x" - I just happened to have LOTS of help! Why can't I take a compliment and own it? And why do I suck at listening to my intuition? Jael, I think I need lessons... =0)

Really, I think it boils down to me labelling entirely to much - the "should" and the "need to" words, ya' know? And getting to tied down to the material, concrete things. I need to get some sleep, meditate some, and reconnect. I am not a bad, horrible, lazy, , , person (you fill in the blanks with whatever negative attributes I might concoct for myself). I am a young, active, intelligent, talented, and pretty-damn-cool woman - I rock! And I am going to do big and important things! (as I proclaimed to my Wednesday class when our prof asked what we're going to do when we're done with school...one of my second least favorite questions, next to "what grade do you think you deserve"). And I got a 100% on big scary final. Who cares about a "B" - I got a 100%! If I think about it, I still don't feel I deserve it, but the prof thought I did, so I'll trust his judgement.

Okie dokie, I'm going to bed now. Sorry for the ranting and raving. Wait, no...I'm NOT sorry. Like I said, this is my journaling session - ya'll are making the choice to read it or not.

G'night!

blech

This is my third time being sick this semester - fourth if you count the horrendous, week-long tension headache I had the week before last. What gives? I don't get sick, and when I do, it's, like, a three-day thing and then I'm better! Dammit!

At least this time it's staying as an upper-respiratory / sinus thing, and not hitting my lungs, again. However, I still do not enjoy the sore throat, cough, scratchy smoker voice, and sinus so plugged that my teeth hurt.

That's right - ya'll best be takin pity on me ;)

Ok - done whining - it's really not that bad, and whatcha' gonna' do, anyway? I've got a whole long list of other topics I've been wanting to blog on, but I just took Nyquil, so for now, I'm going to do some reading and go to sleep.

Ya'll take care! =)

humph

Ya' know how they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Is that really supposed to be true? I guess it is with my family to some extent, but, really, I find myself annoyed with this "absence..." Should I? Or shouldn't I? Or maybe it's okay to feel something, but it shouldn't necessarily be annoyance. (if you're really startin' to wonder, I haven't seen my b/f for, like 10 whole days, which isn't bad, I know, but I still really wanted to see him. And I think the "annoyed" actually comes in 'cause I called yesterday or Wednesday to see if I could come up on Saturday, and didn't hear anything back 'til this afternoon after I told him he should come down w/ his friends and go dancing, but they're going to a Rockies game in Denver, and he's "busy all weekend." Which is true - he's working, so I'm not annoyed at him - just annoyed...humph).

Alright, I'm done whining...

Bless the media and all it's little minions

I have been having a very hard time wrapping my head around lots of things, lately - least of all the Virginia Tech shootings. There is so much I just don't understand - can't understand. So much pain and hurt - so much of the ugliest side of life - and yet so much hope and beauty. Professor Liviu Librescu - a 76 year-old survivor of the Holocaust - put himself in front of the door while urging his students to flee, and was fatally shot in the process. And I know he is not the only professor, the only teacher, the only father - the only human who would do that to save others. Students who had been shot but were still mobile helped classmates with more serious injuries and blocked the door when the shooter tried to return. And the images of the candlelight vigil made me want to cry - here I am on the bike or the treadmill or whatever I was on at the rec center, watching the news, on the verge of tears.

It still seems very surreal, and my heart aches for all the families and the friends and students and colleagues of all the victims. And this includes the parents and family of Cho. To them, this was their SON - not a shooter, not a killer, not anyone or anything other than their son.

And it is this consideration that really has sent me over the top with regards to the media. I was irritated by the way reporters were badgering those involved - students and professors and police. I was rather appalled by some of the questions being asked (along the lines of 'you were only shot in the arm. Were there others that were more critically wounded?' - and this was Monday afternoon as reporters infiltrated the hospital looking for interviewees). But the clincher came just a short while ago - I was getting into my jammies, and Lonnie had the news on, and I heard this newsreporter and one of the "expert" guests discussing that this individual - this "shooter" - was completely cognizant of what he was doing, and the newsman referred to Cho as an "evil man."

Whoa! What??? An "evil" man, committing a pre-meditated massacre... where do you come off saying this!?! I do not agree with what he did, I do not understand where he was coming from - why he would resort to this - 'cause, as pissed as I've gotten at people, and as jaded I might have been with the world, I've NEVER wanted to hurt someone, much less kill them. And, yes, it was pre-meditated. I won't argue. But I also don't agree that (a) Cho is/was "evil," nor (b) he was necessarily aware of what he was doing. Like I said, it makes me feel sick to think about, but, at the same time, there is a difference between knowing what you are doing, and being aware of what you are doing, including considering all the contributing factors and your motivations and the consequences of your actions. Cho made very poor choices, and his actions are no less repugnant, but c'mon - "evil?" The act may have been, but can we call him "evil" - a man no one really knows anything about? And can you imagine how it would feel as a parent watching this? What must be going through their minds?

So, again, my heart is with those connected to the victims. I feel sick, and I ache, and I don't understand - I cannot even begin to express the turmoil. But I also think the media at large - and I apologize for generalizing in such a manner - I try to avoid making gross generalizations - but I think the media needs to be a little more aware of what they are communicating and how they are communicating...we all do.

here's a fun new game to play; here are fun new things to say!

Thought I'd toss in a little game for y'all. How familiar are you with the rules of Renaissance English? Well, lets find out - what are the words below? (I swear they're English!)

1) releeueth

2) poyntes

3) vfe (hint – it’s not really an “f” – I just don’t have the similar character available)

4) thẽfelues

5) iuyce

I totally feel like this right now. Gotta' be that time of the semester...like, three weeks or so left, which means crunch time with papers, presentations, tests, etc. Not to mention the fact that I have NO idea what I'm doing over the summer - aside from working on my lit. review and riding horses. I should definitely get a job, but there's so much research I want to do, too - creativity research, and insight and creativity, and experiential education, and the effects of background music on working memory, or spatial task performance, and on written samples, and the effects of mindfulness and meditation practices on attention and stress levels, and of course all the EAP research stuff. And I need to meet with profs to talk about the potential for research in each of these areas.

And I could always take some classes - even some in Boulder or Ft. Collins...

And the EAGALA training, and, and, and...

And ohmygod my brain still hurts! All the complex webs of interactions...

Okie dokie, speaking of complex webs of interactions, I'd best be gettin' back to my homework, but thought I'd spew at least a little - haven't in a while.

Oh! And, btw, has anyone else ever actually seen a car headlight go out on an oncoming car? Jael and I were on our way up to Estes last thursday, and just as this oncoming car was coming around a corner, one of the headlights went out! I've obviously seen cars with them out already, but this is the only time I've seen this happen while driving! Stupid and trivial, I know, but think about it - I, for one, have seen more shooting stars in my lifetime...

owwww

My brain! It can't take any more! Soon, it will start leaking out my ears - I'll be sure to take pictures. Seriously, it feels like the swirling vortex of terror or something -->

SO many thoughts and cognitive dissonance, and organization is so much harder with all these complex webs of connection than when you can actually order things hierarchically. For example, which comes first - self-awareness, or self-regulation? Well, it seems self-regulation, because there is evidence of infants self-regulating, but not necessarily any measures of self-awareness. At the same time, can we reach higher levels of self-regulation and metacognition without self-awarness? So can you really separate them into fundamentally different entities and order them? They ARE different, but can you separate and order them? And that's to say nothing of things like self-efficacy, nature and nurture factors, etc. Obviously, you cannot cover every possible variable in studies - you would never get anywhere! but that doesn't make my brain hurt any less. Because you DO have to consider them, and make sure you're really measuring what you intend to be measuring...

And that brings up the definitions point. I've always been kind of a smart-ass when it comes to taking things literally (better a smart one than a dumb one, though, right?). But it's a valid consideration, particularly when it comes to self-report measures. There are so many ways to interpret things.

At some point, you have to decide what is necessary to be particular about, and what to let slide, and explain why you make these decisions. This is the part I still get hung up on - letting elements go, or at least letting them wait until later. And, boy, isn't that like life? Having to decide what to spend the time and energy on, what to set aside, and what to let go.

On that note, time for me to go and meet with my advisor - try to come up with a summer plan... But I'd like to share one more thing before I go - enjoy! (thanks, Gary Larsen!) =0)