Yes. The big "E" - that would "evaluations." Evaluation day would be that day that I leave class 20 minutes early so one of my students can distribute evaluation forms and bubble sheets and every student (present) can whip out #2 pencils and go to town.
I hate evaluation day, because, though the evals themselves can be helpful (and I say "can" because one never knows exactly what kind of comments you get, if any at all, and how helpful they are - some you need to take with a grain of salt, but some really are helpful), but they still stress me out, and we don't even get the results back until mid-january, even into february.
Ack! I hate the waiting game. At least with the evals I hand out at midterms, I have instant gratification. That way it's more like ripping off a band-aide quick-like instead of this agonizingly slow and painful wait. Plus I'm worried, as always, about the results. This semester started off well (I thought) and lots of the students have told me that they like the class (not that they only like me - they actually like the class - which is good). But I just dunno'. the one section seems pretty consistently positive, but the other section - I frequently come out feeling convinced I don't know what I'm doing and have no business being here. In fact, maybe it was even irresponsible of me to accept the teaching position. So I really don't know what to excpect - but I want so badly to be GOOD at this - and I don't mean "good" as in well-liked, I mean "good" as in a good and effective teacher. And it scares me to think that I might not be - maybe that's not my niche in life at all. And that I possibly wasted the time of all my students all this semester.
And most of them I get to have again next semester. scary.
And I SO don't want to be one of "those" graduate students contributing to the negative image of grad-students teaching - schools that don't have grad students teach always point out the schools that do in negative ways - that students are getting the bad end of the deal if a grad student is teaching the class instead of a "real" professor. I don't want to help further that image.
But, it is okay, 'cause even if I end up feeling like I totally screwed this semester over for myself and at least the one section of my students and I don't get to teach this class again and whatever, I will find my place in life. I have a lot to offer, and every part of me - even the faults and things I think I want to change - they still make me who I am. Everyone needs to remember those things about yourself that make you YOU. And even though we can all benefit from some self-evaluation and being open to change, it is also important to preserve those core parts of ourselves.
I also take comfort in trying really hard to treat others the way I would like to be treated, as well as the way others have been gracious enough to treat me. And I will find my niche. Everything works out in the end.
That said, my stats homework aint' gonna' do itself. =0)
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2 comments:
You are beautiful, smart and competent. You are generous, kind and thoughtful.....
Just thought I'd add a few affirmations. I find I enjoy them especially when they come unasked for. =o)
Love you!
I was feeling that same angst after handing out my evaluations, too. Plus, it had been a bad teaching day. Why can't I hand out evals on a good teaching day?!?! But, anyways, just wanted to say that I understand how you feel and I'm anxious about my evals, too. Actually, I did such a horrible job that I don't really want to see my evals; it could be devastating. And I don't think you wasted the students' time at all. Students know we are new at this and just learning how to teach. We can't possibly be amazing right off the bat. And yeah, it's okay if this is not your niche. I don't feel like its mine. Perhaps we feel like that simply because we know we are not that great at teaching right now. But, who knows what'll happen, eh?
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