So I'm a Snob

I don't like to think of myself as a snob. And for the most part, I don't think I am. I mean, there's things that I might notice, like spelling and grammar errors, but it's not like I attack or look down on people for it or constantly correct them and rub their writing in their faces. Nope, not a lot gets a rise out of me.

Except data. I think I might have a problem when it comes to data.

In fact, it is progressing to the point that I might be a research/data SNOB. *gasp*

For example, I'm going through a stack of problematic data that our office worker passed on to me - she and another student entered the rest of this ginormous stack, but these ones had been causing some problems for various reasons. So now, as I'm taking care of these problem-children, I'm also running in to problems with some of the other records that were created - data under certain record ID numbers in the database don't match the data for the corresponding record ID numbers written on the hard, paper documents. Some originals have record ID numbers written on them, but these same ID numbers don't seem to exist at all in the database. And then there's the really picky things like incorrect names and hours/minutes being recorded, which, in turn, screws up the reports when you pull them...

And I am sure that is not all human error - the database is great, but has its glitches. But I find myself thinking, "oh no, oh no, oh no, no, no. This is not right. What is going on here?!? " followed by the thought that makes me feel like a data snob:
"I should have just entered this myself, because now I can't trust the numbers are accurate, and I've got to double-check it. ALL of it."

I've already gone through about 1400 individual entries for the tutoring data. Just to make sure.

I get so concerned about how the data was collected, how accurate it is, how accurately it is entered - I'm even the one who goes through and revises the instruments because how can you report on frequency or rank an item with two parts to it? For example, say I'm supposed to assign Never, Almost Never, Sometimes, Frequently or Always to a statement like "My tutor was friendly and professional." Well, what if the tutor was friendly, but not professional (or vice-versa)?
Who else even cares about these things?
[okay, so fortunately I can think of a few other people, like Kiki, so I know I'm not alone :) ]

But seriously, I think I'm developing a problem...

Oh well. I'm just very detail-oriented and aware of the importance of accuracy. That sounds much better than "data snob" ... right? :)

And in other news, I've got some good, some bad, and some ugly...
Well, more like some awesome, some good, and then some ugly.

First, the ugly: I have to spend winter break revising my lit review. It wasn't up to my prof's expectations. It's promising - it's on the right track - I've got "good intuition" with regards to the topic - but it's not where he thinks it needs to/could be. However, while the lit review may be pretty ugly, the situation really isn't. First off, how many profs read lit reviews from an entire class, give thoughtful feedback and some great suggestions (I feel like I've actually got some direction, now, whereas I was definitely lost and wandering earlier) to every single student? Second, how many profs give you an incomplete and the chance to improve your work (as opposed to just failing you?). Finally, how many profs encourage you (and mean it!) to continue bringing your work to them for feedback whether the course is officially over or not?
I seriously think I'd like him on my dissertation committee...
But, in the meantime, lots of work and fixing to do so I can get a grade in place of that dreadful "I" on my transcript.

Second, the good: passed EF with flying colors, and really, really got a lot out of the class. "Executive functions" is a phrase I have started incorporating in to conversations daily...or at least every-other day ;) Definitely given me plenty to digest.

Finally, the awesome: I actually got an "A" in statistics! What!?! I've given up on getting A's in stats classes - qualitative research courses I do well with, but the harder stats, not so much. I'd settled for working my tail off for "B's." but I pulled an A??? Yay! I still don't believe it, but I've checked about 5 times and it still says the same thing.

Aaaah. Now, just need to clean up that "I"...
But first, back to work!!

Hope everyone else is hangin' in there and is ready for the Holidays.
And CONGRATULATIONS to Kiki for PASSING HER DISSERTATION and landing a sweet VISITING PROFESSOR position!! It's "Dr. Kiki" to you! :)

A Partridge for Your Pear Tree

Haven't posted in almost a month - crazy, crazy school (and I'm not done yet! shhhhh!) - but I needed a bit of a break (seriously, it took me about 5 tries just to type "partridge" - I've been at it for a bit...)
Anyways, for a bit of a break and a chuckle, check out Straight no Chaser's rendition of "The 12 days of Christmas"

More later, but enjoy for now!

Straight No Chaser - 12 Days of Christmas

There seems to be a recurring theme in my life...

Today's Aquarius Horoscope: Nov 18, 2008
If you often help people in need, dear Aquarius, or if helping people is part of your profession, this day will bring certain ideas into the light. You need to take the time on a regular basis to take care of yourself! If you don't, you won't be able to continue to help others. Think about this, and stop making excuses! Think of yourself for once!

blech

So last week I started to panic when I realized how close we are to the end of the semester, and exactly how much work I have left to do. A large majority of that work needs to be done this week, so I figured on being super productive all weekend.

Saturday was okay - I was semi-productive - definitely took care of quite a few things that needed taking care of. But didn't get a good run on any of the BIG projects. But that's okay, I figured, I still had Saturday night and all of Sunday.

But then I started to feel like I was going to die. And while I'm exaggerating somewhat, I'm really not exaggerating that much. Coughing up mucus and crap from my lungs and coughing so hard you feel like you're gonna' puke, and couldn't talk all of yesterday (haven't tried yet, today), and the pounding headache.

Needless to say, I didn't get much done aside from sleeping. The best part is that I feel like a slacker for it. Which is just silly!

It is also definitely reinforcing the thoughts I've had of moving back into town, but that's a whole additional story...

Okie dokie - out to do chores and then off to work and school. Everyone have a great day! :)

Crazy Times...

There is some crazy, crazy energy goin' on in the world - all the changes - all the possibilities. Exciting and overwhelming and all at the same time.
Crazy, crazy, crazy - and I know it's not just me (this time) ;)

Seeing Blue

First, rest in peace, Michael Crichton. He passed away today from cancer. I still remember reading Jurassic Park to Scott as a bedtime story...

Second, go Colorado!!! We did it!!! We went BLUE!!!

And not just "sort of blue" - it was a regular blue wave last night. Our senator, five of our seven state representatives (one of whom is not only democratic, but also Gay), and our nation's president. Oh, and thank you all for voting NO on 48.



And then there was President Obama's speech. And as Neil and I sat there on his futon watching and listening and reflecting on his words (and completely forgetting about dinner - oops), I almost cried. Yes, it is an historic election for so many reasons, including the election of an African American in to office. No wonder Jesse Jackson was moved to tears - having stood by Martin Luther King, Jr. and now partaking in this election - this moment in history - can you even imagine? But even beyond that, Obama's victory speech moved me. And perhaps I was just getting all caught up in the hoopla, and perhaps my blood sugar was just really low, but his words really struck a chord in me - BEFORE he got to the Yes We Can, he spoke:


"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America -- I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you -- we as a people will get there.


There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years -- block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.


What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek -- it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers -- in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people."


Ahhhh. He's right, it will be hard and takes sacrifice, and perhaps I won't agree with every decision he makes, but no one can make everyone happy 100% of the time. And when it comes down to it, there is no reason we cannot work as a unified society. Individualism is great and important, but we also have to remember we are all living this life together. We all breath the same air. We are all responsible for all. And it is that sentiment I heard echoed in Obama's words. And while it may seem rather idealistic, I'm okay with that - from dreams we can make plans, and from plans we can take action.

McCain gave a very good speech, too - I don't know how many of his supporters actually heard what he was saying, but it really was very good, and I respect him very much.


Anywhose, speaking of action, I've gotta' get back to work now. But what an awesome moment in time. And thank you for sharing it with me, Neil. How intense, and how wonderful to be able to talk and get different perspective but share the same base ideals. Amazing and wonderful. :)

Overwhelmed

And sometimes several thoughts attack me at once. I find myself at that point with my theoretical framework and beginnings of a lit review where I begin to feel overwhelmed by the questions and possibilities and holes. There are so many holes! How can I build upon a foundation that is comparable to swiss cheese? Don't get me wrong - swiss cheese is my favorite. But I get very distracted. For example, I was feeling good about my progress yesterday - felt like I had really identified my niche and was ready to get very specific with my research questions and lit review outline. The I went and read more while I worked out. Then I had some quality thinking time while I drove home. And by the time I got home, I felt lost, again. For example, one of my arguements as to why my research questions are even important is that increased understanding of how preservice teachers enter, develop through, and leave the teacher ed. program can help us to design the program curriculum, leading to better prepared and more effective teachers.
But what the hell is an "effective" teacher?!?!?
Oh, there is research. But, as with most research, there are mixed results, mixed ideas, mixed thoughts on how to apply the information...
So I feel as though I am building an argument on the unstable base of ideas.

Granted, it all starts with ideas, and I can't let it overwhelm me. Otherwise, I will never get anywhere. Another professor I am working with continues to remind me that sometimes all you can do is acknowledge the complex nature and uncertain definitions, and then assert your own stance and move on to your own questions/thoughts. There will always be question and uncertainty, and the only constant in life is change. So it is OKAY.

Whew. Maybe I'm ready to go to the library now... After I give my pony a quick hug-and-kiss...nothing like a big, deep breath of horse!

wow

Have You...

Voted yet???

Alright - I suppose it's not November 4th, yet. But if you have mail-in voting or early voting access, Please take advantage! It's quick, it's easy, it's IMPORTANT!!

And as a sidenote, God bless Obama. Seriously - in the "May the Lord Bless You and Keep You" way. In the "May God Protect You and Your Family" way. A story was released to the news yesterday that, last week, the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms uncovered another plot to assassinate Obama. This is the second time they have "foiled" such plans. And you know there have to be more out there. Very real. Very scary. Bless Obama, bless his family. Hell, bless us all.

Ahhh...

"Your thinking is clear today, dear Aquarius, and you will find that generally things are running smoothly. Your perspective on everything is very much in line with where you need to be at this time. In other words, you are doing everything exactly right. Be yourself and let other people adapt to your way of thinking. There is no need to keep hiding the truth of who you really are."

There have been ups and there have been downs. Such is the way of life. And sometimes there are more frequent ups-and-downs, or the ups and downs are more drastic - the highs may seem higher, the lows lower. The last couple of weeks have fallen into the "more frequent" category. But on Wednesday I finally found some peace and tranquility. I sat there in the chair in my counselor's office, holding the pillow close in my lap like I always do, and when we started I may have been tense and fidgety. But by the end, my entire being had relaxed. I've gotten there - that place where Peter gets in Office Space - but it has always involved meditating. This is the closest I have gotten while still awake & conversing. Crazy, but cool. And of course there are still little hiccups - like statistics tests and tons of reading and so much work to do for school I don't know how/when it's gonna' get done - but I feel anchored. Ahhhhh. And I'm gonna' love it while I've got it.

My Masterpiece

At last, here the the fruits of my labor -
Well...here is one fruit of some of my labor - but I'm kinda proud of it. I have managed a one-page summary comparing Obama and McCain's positions on education issues.

Granted, it's really, really a summary, but that almost takes more work than just regurgitating everything I can get my hands on. No, instead I have to go through everything I can get my hands on, and then decide what the main points are and how to compare them on one page.
And try to stay unbiased (and un-sarcastic) while I write it out.

So, anyway, as much as I would like to say I'm so cool and politically active that I did all this for fun/personal education, but such is not the case. A fellow grad student and I are co-editors of the Ed Psych Society Newsletter, and we decided it's important to help keep grad students (and other members of the campus community who might stumble across our newsletter) informed of issues outside of the school bubble we so often get trapped in. And because education issues haven't exactly captured the spotlight in the current presidential race, and because we are, afterall, in the field of EDUCATIONAL psychology, we thought it might be nice to provide a little cheat-sheet looking at Obama and McCain's respective positions.

And although it's for the newsletter, why not share it here, as well?
(besides, that way, y'all can tell me if I've got some blatant misconceptions goin' or fail miserably at remaining unbiased or whatever...). And remember, it's a summary. And the formatting isn't as pretty, but that's okay

So have fun, enjoy, or do what you will. I feel like I deserve a beer...but it'll have to wait 'til Friday...

Special Report: 2008 Election
The Presidential Candidates Weigh in on Education*

Barack Obama & Joe Biden
“Lifetime Success through Education"

• Current Weaknesses of the Educational System
  o Shortcomings/unfulfilled promises of NCLB
  o Teacher retention
  o Soaring college costs
• Teachers & Teacher Recruitment
  o Incentives for graduates with degrees in math & science to become teachers
  o Boost funding & support for teacher preparation programs (scholarships, accreditation requirements)
  o Expand mentoring programs to help w/ retention
  o Work with teachers to develop “new & innovative ways” to increase pay; allow districts to reward teachers in underserved areas, teachers consistently excelling in classroom, & mentor teachers
• No Child Left Behind (NCLB)
  o Reform, starting by increasing funding. Improve assessments, shift focus to individualized instruction
• Early Childhood Education
  o “Zero to Five” plan – support parents and children from infancy through pre-K
  o Expand Early-Head Start/Head Start
  o Provide affordable, high-quality child care
• K-12 Education
  o Address dropout crisis
  o Expand & Support (i.e., double the funding) for afterschool programs & college outreach programs
  o Math and Science = national priority
• Higher Education
  o Simplify the financial aid process
  o Make college affordable: American Opportunity Tax Credit
• Accountability
  o Improve the current standardize assessments; long-term tracking of student readiness for college and/or the workplace
  o Support schools needing improvement, rather than punishing them

For more information, visit www.barackobama.com/

John McCain & Sarah Palin
“Excellence, Choice, & Competition in Education”

• Current Weaknesses of the Educational System
  o Cultural problems
  o Avoidance of genuine accountability
  o Parents lack power/control/choice
• Administrators, Teachers & Teacher Recruitment
  o 5% of funding set aside for states to recruit teachers graduating in top 25% of class or participating in alternative teacher recruitment program
  o Incentive bonuses for: high performing teachers to locate in “the most challenging educational settings;” teachers in subjects like math & science; teachers who demonstrate student improvement
  o Funding for professional development
  o Localized control of funding (i.e., school principals)
• No Child Left Behind (NCLB)
  o Build on NCLB; shift focus to inspiring individual students vs. assessing group averages
• Early Childhood Education
  o Comprehensive approach, focus on literacy & language development, math, motor & social skills.
  o Direct funding toward early hearing/vision screening, immunizations.
  o Educate parents on preparing children for a productive educational experience
• K-12 Education
  o Keep parents informed of child’s performance; Offer parents more choice/control
  o Single criterion: raise student achievement
  o Funding specifically for technological advancement
• Higher Education
  o Simplify the financial aid process
  o Remove/simplify regulatory barriers
• Accountability
  o Every federally supported program MUST include child-centered, outcome-based standards for quality
  o Parents must have more choice/control: Allow parents to pull children from “failing” schools

For more information, visit www.johnmccain.com/

Ya' don't say

shoulda read this before I got out of bed - might have been more prepared for the day ;)

"Your boat is likely to be rocked today, dear Aquarius, to the point where you and all of your belongings could go overboard. Be prepared to swim for shore. Grounding and stability are the keys to maintaining a healthy headspace, especially when it comes to your ever-fluctuating emotions. Listen to your heart for the answers."

Rest in Peace, Paul Newman

Paul Newman passed away from cancer on Friday at age 83. He was at home - his farmhouse - with loved ones. The way to go...

We'll miss you, Cool Hand Luke!

This one's for you...

So much I could say I don't even know where to start. Guess that's what happens when I don't write for awhile and yet my mind keeps up at its usual pace.

Where does time go? Can't believe it is almost October! I love this time of year, though - Warm, sunny days, but cooler nights with a bit of an edge - that smell of the cold yet to come. Granted, I can find things I love & don't-love-so-much about any season.

I think I may be ready to narrow in on a research agenda - have had some good conversations with some good friends who are also grad students. Though I was thinking the other day about something I am SO interested in for my own purposes, and yet I've never considered it as a possible area to focus my research. It's about females and AD/HD - particularly young women and AD/HD. Women who were never "diagnosed" as children, but symptoms become more apparent when these young women begin going through major transitions - such as the transition into college life... What's more, there is research looking at the frontal lobe and eating pathologies. AD/HD is though to impact the frontal lobe... Women and the expression of AD/HD...

I don't know, though - I still view this as more a personal interest than something to really dive in to at this point for school purposes. Granted, I used it as a topic for a class last year, and am using it as another topic this semester, so who knows?

but for now, I will leave that as a side interest. The major challenge at the moment is to figure out how to go about assessing whether knowledge gleaned via equine-guided learning transfers into "real world" situations...

In other news, riding is wonderful, as usual. I've considered (and probably even mentioned that I've considered) moving back in to town every now and then so I can be closer to school. But then I come home and it is quiet (save for the coyotes) and the starts are so ridiculously bright. And I get up in the morning to the relatively quiet fresh air (boy-oh-boy, the donkey is a great alarm clock), and get some physical activity to kick off the day, and get some riding to kick off the day - and did I mention the acres and acres of land to go ride on? I just don't know I could give it up for city-life. Not that Greeley is anything like the city of Denver or even Fort Collins, but still - the point is that I definitely cannot walk around the house naked ;)

I have also been in a ridiculously good mood as of late - tired, workin' hard, and still dealing with some tension headache stuff - but in wonderful mood, nonetheless. The way we interact as humans is fascinating - there are so many dimensions, so many factors. It can be good, bad and even ugly - but right now, mostly good. Great, even.

Except when I start thinking about politics.

last thought for the evening:
"Ignorance may be bliss, but partial ignorance is frustrating."
Thanks for a good night ~N and Kiki! ;)

Teachers and students and horses, oh my!

I don't get to graduate - don't even get to come close to graduating - until I can make up my mind about what to focus in on for "my" research. But just when I think I've made up my mind, I stumble across something or have this flash and *poof* I've changed my mind, again.

The "biggies" come down to teacher education (particularly preservice teachers) - bridging the gap between their understandings of teaching and learning that they bring with them as students and what/how we expect them to develop as teachers, and then there's this separate notion of caring that has risen from a research project an SES prof. is letting me work on him with. 150 preservice PE teachers (to date) writing about a favorite teacher - and a vast majority describe their favorite teacher as "caring," though this idea of caring is defined in many different ways. So what IS caring? How do these entering preservice teachers understand "caring" in the classroom? Why is it important? How do these students envision themselves caring for their future students? Does their understanding of caring in teaching change as they progress through the program? More importantly, is the construct of caring something we should - something we even can - address more directly in teacher preparation programs?
And that's not even touching on the music teacher stuff....

And then, of course, there is the equine-guided learning. Does it "work"? Can and does it transfer to "real life" (i.e. are the concepts learned while working with the horse generalizable for individuals into other domains of their lives)? And a bunch more questions here...

See, the teacher education path is a good one - has been around and will continue to be around, and is something I am very passionate about - and there is still a very nice niche to be carved as far as the concept of caring. However, I am also passionate about equine-assisted and equine-guided-learning. It is more of an "up-and-coming" field - very young, very little empirical research - which is both good and bad.

At least I've got it down to two main areas.... that some progress, right?

More Internet Streaming

While mentioning Pandora (the way cool online radio), I forgot to throw in a plug for Hulu - my little brother pointed me that direction so I could add a little culture to my life (you know, so when he asks, "Did you see the episode of (blank)?" I can maybe say YES instead of "Ummm - no."). Anyways, at Hulu you can watch popular clips of TV shows and movies, but there is also a selection of full episodes and feature-length films.
Ya' know - just more stuff to fill your time - or more stuff to do your homework to ;)

Internet Radio

Lots to say, but not much time, so for now I'll stick to sharing Pandora Radio with you. Pandora is awesome - you can enter the name of an artist you like, and it plays songs by that artist as well as similar artists. If you don't like a song/artist, you can give it a thumbs down, or if you really like one, you can give it a thumbs up, and the radio adjusts the play list accordingly.
So you can create your own stations like that, or you can just select a "station" based on genre.
You do have to register to create your own stations, but registration is your basic email, zip code and password.

So there may be something horrible I don't know about it, but the other GA loves it and told me about it, and so that's what I've been listening to at work - no putting up with radio commercials!

So check it out, enjoy, and more later :)

Here's to Friday!

Snippets of wisdom from an email Juilie sent me:

The Value of a Drink
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ' ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' ~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.' ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!' ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!~ Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and mo re efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Cheers to Friday, everyone!

Jason Mraz "I'm Yours" video

Bits and tidbits and morsels

I love that word - morsels. Mmmmm - mmmorsels. Aaaah.

I also love being a dork - and the fact that Kiki says there is no such thing as "too dorky" - I love my new job. I spent the afternoon organizing and color-coding data and running f-tests and t-tests and calculating Cohen's d. yeah, yeah - whoop-de-frickin'-do - but it actually makes me feel quite satisfied. All about the simple pleasures, people.

I love where I am in life and all the opportunities that I have - how many people get to ride horses in the morning and then head off to a sweet job and school all afternoon/evening? And free gym priveledges?

I love my family, of course. And my friends. Where would I even be without their love and support?

Speaking of friends, I am loving the book my friend Di lent me - If the Buddha Dated. "make this commitment to [yourself]: More than anything else, I want myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I'm not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies. The more we commit to knowing and accepting ourselves, the more we are able to surrender to loving another person because we have nothing to hide and nothing to feel ashamed of. ... If we live by truth we may have pain, but we will always rest securely within ourselves."

Finally (for now), I also love the Jason Mraz "I'm Yours" song - I posted the music video above. A few choice lyrics:

Well-a you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
I look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
...
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

One bill, two bills, three bills, BROKE

So I gripe about doctors and medical bills and health insurance a lot, I know. But seriously - just because one health-care professional I was seeing decided to transfer to spending full-time at her private practice, and the counseling center hasn't found anyone to fill in for her, yet, I had to go to the health center downstairs to get my prescriptions renewed. However, they switched up a bunch of stuff down there, so it was like coming in as a new patient all over again. So instead of just getting my prescription script, I had to go through all the paperwork and the intake, and basically have a mental-health interview with the new person, and then fork over a considerably hefty co-pay (yeah - considerably hefty = just shy of $90 - for a copay???).
All that just because I needed a little scrap of paper asking for one-month's worth of pills. And if they didn't actually help, I think I'd just quit cold turkey - but they do help and you're not supposed to quit cold-turkey. Especially before classes start.

But c'mon. We are STUDENTS using the STUDENT HEALTH CENTER with STUDENT INSURANCE. And this is the best you can do for us, people? Next time I'm going back to my family practice guy at the Greeley clinic 'cause I like him & he can write prescriptions, too.
Medical costs are totally kicking my ass. TOTALLY. Has anyone ever maxed out a credit card on just doctor bills and prescription costs? Not that I'm even close to that (thank goodness)...but boy-oh-boy.

In other news, the typical August weather on the Colorado front range has been swapped for October weather. It is overcast and raining (like Western Washington rain, people - not a 5 minute thunderstorm and then done), and it's only 58 degrees outside! This is coming from the sunny 105 degrees two weeks ago. Mother nature is pms-ing or menopausing or something...

Note(s) to self...

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

I am only responsible for myself and my own actions

If I don't take care of me, who else will? Who else CAN?

My intuition rarely steers me wrong. Now if I would only listen to it more...

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

I have never regretting helping someone in need. I have regretted NOT helping. Helping pays off. Maybe not right now, but it does. I have complete faith.

Everything works out in the end. If it doesn't work out, it's not the end.

Maybe it's not coincidence that I keep getting "lucky" enough to have the experiences I've had - to get the opportunities that I've gotten. But humility is good, too.

I am worth it. I am SO totally worth it!

Bless my family and my friends. I have the most amazing, loving support in the world. I owe it all to you. Thank you all.

It is NEVER a bad time to say "thank you." It is NEVER a bad time to say "I love you."

I promise I'm okay.

Because, though the phoenix burns in a fire of its own making, it rises again from the ashes.

And though the phoenix is a mythical being, its image has surfaced across cultures and through the centuries for a reason - if this is what people need to believe, they could do much worse, and it really is very strong symbolism. Like Mom says, "Everything works out in the end, and if it doesn't work out, it's not the end."

(p.s. - thanks, Greg - still love the design!) :)

Binge Installment #2

3) The Fray "All at Once" - not a whole lot to say on this one right now - but a lot to feel...

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another

Emotional Binges...on Music ;)

Isn't music great - there is something out there for everyone and everything. It has been an emotional rollercoaster of a summer. So I thought I'd share some of my Summer '08 top selections and a few lyric clips, but it'll be in installments ;)

Today: some Billy Joel and Blue October

1) Billy Joel, "Vienna" - I think this entire song is totally for me...but I'll share ;)

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want, or you can just get old
You're gonna' kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you wanna' be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad, but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can say when you're wrong,
You know you can't always see when you're right (you're right)

You got your passion, you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you crazy child
And take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want, or you can just get old
You're gonna' kick off before you even get halfway through
Why don't you realize, Vienna waits for you?


2) Blue October, "Overweight" - one of my all-time favorites ever since I first heard it - 'specially the part toward the end...and it starts with a very cool solo-guitar riff (*note: I did make a few editorial changes seeing as how the singer has only one brother whereas I have three)
...
So to the friends that even call that I don't call back
I hold you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes I run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry, but I will
...
I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
To try and take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the (boy), I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother(s) know (they) saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years (they've) been my friend(s) who (are) always there


3) Blue October, "Hate Me" - reminds me how many people I have in my life to say "thank you" to, and reminds me how far I've come.

4) Blue October, "Calling You" - love it. 'Nuf said.

Too quick to trust, too willing to love

but is it such a bad thing? Even if I could, would I want to change that part of me? I suppose it could mean I'll be let down or hurt more, but would I really want to miss out on anything, either? I don't think so... gotta' be willing to give 100% to get 100%, right?

A Good Lesson for Everyone....

Today's Aquarius Horoscope: Jul 08, 2008

Whether you are a volunteer or you do it for a living, if your daily activity involves some kind of altruism or giving of yourself, today you may learn a very important lesson, dear Aquarius. You are going to learn that in order to help other people, you need to learn to take care of yourself. After all, how can you help other people as much as you would like to if you don't take good care of yourself mentally and physically?

Woohoo!

I got it!!! My dream job (Well, the kind of job that a graduate student might dream of, anyway...)! I was offered a Graduate Reasearch Assistant (GRA) position with the University's Tutoring Center and I am waaaay excited. I work a scheduled number of hours per week helping research the tutoring center demographics and use and effectiveness and such, and then look into what other universities are doing and recommended "best practices" and such - totally right up my alley, still related to education, and totally cool. And I get paid monthly plus get tuition assistance. AND I get to share workspace with Kiki! Woohoo!

Anyways, I really wanted it but wasn't really expecting to be offered it, so yay! I will miss teaching, but am totally looking forward to August to start this!

Perspective

So here I am talking about needing a vacation when everything I am doing are things I love and have chosen to do. Doesn't mean I can't get better at saying "no" to obligations, but I have the opportunity and the resources and the health to be going to school and to be riding horses and even to be scooping manure. I don't "have" to be doing these things - I am choosing and able to do these things.

My Aunt Lynn helped shift my perspective. Lynn passed away last night after battling brain cancer for over 8 years. I started to see in Lynn this fundamental shift in her own perspective - what things didn't matter so much anymore, and what things became more important - like family and saying "I love you." And how often do you stop and thank God that you can tie your own shoes? Walk on your own two feet? See the beautiful colors of the sunset? Thank you, Aunt Lynn - I'm sorry I missed you, but thank you for an important reminder, and I love you always.

So, yes - I am still tired at the moment, and I can still work on limiting myself to what I can reasonably handle and still do quality work - but at least I have what I have, and, what's more, I have so many people in my life who love me and care about me that I can share these things with. Thank you all for every thing and every minute you have given me, and for your love and support, and for all your smiles and laughs.

P.S.
Thanks, Uncle Jim, for introducing me to the amazing sidewalk chalk drawings of Julian Beever (above)

Rest In Peace, George Carlin

RIP, George Carlin: May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008. Died at age 71 of heart failure. Stand-up comedian, Protagonist & Antagonist extraordinaire. The world will miss you, whether or not they realize it, yet.

Yup. Ready for a vacation.

Or at least change. But, see, just a simple vacay wouldn't quite do it. I'd need to pull a Bob Wiley (Bill Murray's character in What About Bob?) - "Vacation from my problems!" And maybe my own Gil to hang around my neck...hehehe...I love that movie ;)

Or maybe I just need to suck it up and get on with things...but I think that's what I am doing - still keepin' on keepin' on - and everyone needs a vacation every now and then. Hm. Oh well - almost vacation time!

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Happy Father's Day (and belated Mother's Day, for that matter)!

I know lots of people claim to have the best parents on the face of the planet. And, yes, many of you do have fantastic and wonderful parents. But mine really are the best. I'm sure they are both more likely to dwell on their perceived mistakes rather than successes, but I think they have done and continue to do a marvelous job, four times over. Life without the relationship I share with both Mom and Dad would not be nearly the quality it is - having their love and support - having someone you know you can go to for an honest opinion, but also for a good laugh - being able to discuss the trivial and the "deep." To know that your parents will really, truly be there for you (even when you are lashing out at them during your horrible teenage years just because you know they have to love you...sorry about those times), whether with hugs, financial support, or that sometimes-necessary tough love. To know and feel that they really do want the best for you.

I can only hope and strive to be the kind of people my parents are - someday be they kind of parents my parents are.

Love you both very, very much! Thank you!

Restless Person Syndrome?

How am I going to survive in the real world when I thrive so much on having those "next big things"? I mean, my whole life has been a sequence of events - each having definitive goals. First you get from elementary to middle to high school. Then you graduate high school and go to college. Then you graduate college and either get a job in the real world, or you do what I do and go back to school for a masters degree. Then you finish graduate degree number one and go back for your PhD. But then what? I suppose I could stay a student forever, but even then, I will become stuck in that rut. And getting stuck in ruts makes me feel a little stir crazy. Even now, though I am totally happy with my life - who else gets to go to school and ride horses and work and interact with some awesome people? - I still find myself getting a little restless. They have restless leg syndrome - is there restless person syndrome?

First, there is the prospect of the same old grind for several more years - but I don't know exactly how many because it depends on coursework and getting comps projects and dissertation proposals approved, and then the dissertation, itself - and I just don't know how all that's gonna' fly. It's different with your undergrad and masters degrees (well, was for me, anyway) because you have very clear goals. Here are the requirements you have to meet, and you can check them off the list as you go. Sure, it's not a sure thing - you're not guranteed to "pass" - but I have always had faith in my abilities. But now I'm having doubts, and a large part of that is due to this ambiguity. And in the meantime, like I said, same old grind. Which, again, isn't bad by any means. I love where I live and I love what I do, aside from minor inconveniences like living away from my family and away from my boyfriend. But it's that routine that starts to feel like lack of freedom, and that perceived lack of freedom makes me restless and I want to drop what I'm doing and flee to something else NOW.
Second contributing factor: what comes next? Where will I get a job? And doing what? And what will be that "next big thing"? Paying off student loans?
Dammit - why can't I just focus on the here-and-now and let the big picture piece itself together as we go? I think it's time I start meditating, again...

But, see, as I thought about this restless feeling more, I realized that it might not be "restless" at all - it might be fear. See, I'm very, very afraid of "screwing up" - doing something "wrong" - not being perfect. And if I continue along a consistent trajectory, I'm bound to screw up, eventually. I will make mistakes. I will fail. And even though my logical self can rationalize this in so many ways (it's not failing, it's learning; everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are how you learn and grow; etc., etc., etc.), I still feel like I am failing. And perfectionists don't like to fail, so perfectionists often avoid situations where he/she might fail. So maybe I'm not restless - I'm trying to avoid that inevitable point of failure. I want to move on to something new and different where I can again demonstrate a steep learning curve before I crash on my current path.

Silly - I can't just continually jump from thing to thing. I can't avoid life - or people in my life. I can't be perfect. What is "perfect," anyway? Again, I am reminded of that Serendipity book, Persnickity. Roses are perfect the way they are, thorns 'n all. So what is perfect?

No conclusions - food for thought for me (and a great topic of conversation for my next meeting with my counselor!)

Point Taken

Today's Aquarius Horoscope: Jun 08, 2008

You are in a unique position to really understand all sides of the issues, dear Aquarius. While this is apt to give you a tremendous advantage over those who still have their heads stuck in the sand, this knowledge also gives you a greater responsibility to the people around you. Intuitively you know what is best, and now you must find a way to bring others around to your perspective and help them find a way out from underground.

Actually...

I decided that in being myself, I am far better than "normal" - I am totally f-ing awesome!

Happy Pills!

Alright, so it has always totally bothered me having to take medication regularly. I didn't even like taking asthma medicine, and that's just to help me get the same amount of oxygen with the same amount of work as "normal" people. The first time I went on Paxil, I wanted to hide it from everyone - like I was plagued with some horrible, dirty disease - and I felt broken. Like I was fundamentally broken - damaged goods.

This time around, I've been far more comfortable with the whole situation. I take Zoloft for anxiety and mood swings. I also take Concerta for attention issues. Super low, once-daily doses of each. My counselor has helped me to get comfortable with the whole situation - she says it's like someone with diabetes taking insulin, or taking my asthma medicine every day. Sometimes I still don't believe it - I feel like it's all in my head (no pun intended). Like it's purely a placebo effect. And who is to say, really? Does it matter, though? Or does it only matter that I'm not having daily mood swings and I can actually be mentally present in class? And my overall anxiety level is significantly less? And I actually go to bed, instead of just working until I fall asleep with the light on? And it's not like I'm using this as a BandAide - as a "fix all" pill I can pop an go on about my merry business. I'm going to counseling and visit the psychiatrist regularly, and I've started practicing mindfulness and meditation - in the words of Bob Wiley (What About Bob?): "I'm baby stepping! I'm doing the work! I'm not a slacker!"

Today my psychiatrist was wondering if maybe we should try switching from Zoloft to Prozac for a trial run just because Prozac is also sometimes used for chronic pain conditions - like the 24 hour headaches and urinary tract issues I've been experiencing for the last 2 MONTHS. And though I wish my psychiatrist and the neurologist and the doctor could all get together and come to an agreed-upon plan of action, but, in the meantime, I'm not going to discount the psychiatrist's suggestion because it's not really changing anything I'd normally be taking, anyway - this one just may have some additional positive side effects, in this case. Which I am fine with - in fact, I thought it was very thoughtful of psychiatrist-lady to even care about the other medical issues I've been having.

So what? What about this merits 1 1/2 hours of purging my thoughts into my blog-space? Well, my "okayness" with myself and this situation are still very fragile - as alluded to above - I still have to justify it to myself that I, (1) am benefitting from this, and (2) am still okay as a person. So when someone questions the purpose or necessity of this approach - such as wondering why I would continue this regimen over the summer when I'm not in school - then I immediately start the questioning, again. And I immediately start to feel broken and damaged and, as such, like I'm not good enough. Especially when it is framed in such a way that suggests I am not myself while on medication, and that I shouldn't have to take pills to be "normal."

It just makes me want to scream - "I am finally okay with myself - don't fuck with it!" (sorry about that language, Mom - yes, you raised me better than that). I am SO much myself - and I don't want to have to take pills everyday for the rest of my natural life - but, at the same time, maybe that's how it will work out - hopefully not because, like I said, I am doing the work, but maybe - who's to say? Regardless, I AM normal, I AM myself. So wtf???

And, again, I find myself getting all defensive because I'm really still justifying this to myself.

That said, it is now 11:00 p.m., so I am going home, and maybe then I'll get some work done instead of stewing.

Sad finish to Derby

Big Brown (above left) took first with an impressive finish - big, beautiful horse with a big, beautiful stride. He started from the 20th post, so he had some serious ground to cover, but he just made it look so easy - like he was hardly even moving 'til the last stretch when he kicked into high gear. And this was just the 4th race of his career. Pretty darn impressive 3 year old.

His 5th race will be the Preakness in two weeks, with his owner and trainer hoping he will become the only 3-year-old with a shot at the title of Triple Crown champion since Affirmed in 1978.

P.S.: did I mention that my big ole' goofball of a gelding has Affirmed bloodlines? I think someone forgot to tell him that - he doesn't go anywhere in a hurry ;)

Second place went to the only filly to have run in the Derby (aka "the Boys Club") since 1999 - Eight Belles (above right). Nineteen colts and one coal-gray filly. And boy-oh-boy did she hold her own - the only horse in the field to come close to Big Brown. She blew passed the finish line after Big Brown, but as she galloped around that first turn following the finish, she collapsed. The television crews hardly even caught it - they were all focused on Big Brown, who actually shied from something, causing his jockey to abruptly dismount (read: he lost his balance, but still landed on his feet). Turns out Brown was most likely spooking from Belles as she went down and her jockey came off.

The reason for her fall? Broken ankles in both front legs - with a compound fracture in the left, exposing the leg to contamination and potential infection. You knew it was bad when she didn't get right up, but it took a minute to get the vet report. She was immediately euthanized once diagnosed - with the breaks being in both legs, there was no way to even splint her and get her into the vet ambulance. And she must have been in so much pain. That's not fair to put a horse through - euthanizing is a difficult choice, but I think it was the right one. She couldn't get up - they couldn't move her - how would she have healed? And would it have been worth it?

What happened for both legs to break? Three and four are like the teenage years in horse world. Should these horses be pushed so hard at this age? Regardless - the point is that it is an awful tragedy - from soaring into second place in the Derby to grounded and broken in seconds - and the single filly amongst the boys.

A bittersweet Derby, today.

Oh, the horrors

So the wind is ripping through Colorado, today. Yup, gusts up to 65 mph.

As the Greeley Tribune reports: "The wind already is wreaking havoc throughout Greeley, with trees falling, power outages and..." (ooh, here comes the worst part!) "...tumbleweeds blocking front doors."

Feeding this morning was nightmarish, and there have been reports of power outages and uprooted trees and tree boughs breaking off and smashing cars. A powerline (or something...) fell and hit a pedestrian here on campus, and apparently a semi was blown off the road near Wiggins. But the worst, by far, are those darn tumbleweeds blocking front doors.

Oh, the insanity!!!

First sunburn of the season!

Have you ever reached that point where you are just too tired to care anymore? And you just want to do a spring cleaning of you life? The upside is that you can usually fairly effectively dump some excess baggage from your daily going-ons. The downside is that sometimes you can start dumping things a little too enthusiastically - I know I can, anyways...

In other news - the weather today was beautiful - a little breezy, but it kept things at just the perfect temperature for going out and riding. I love riding - and I love my horse - thank you Lori and Mom and Dad! (Tommy says "thank you," too - he is a very happy boy!!!)

Pam from the second violin section has this perfect bumper sticker - "That horse smell is my aromatherapy"

Aaaaaah - breathe in deep!

Laughs of the day

First, when I was in the Dr. office this morning, I had to fill out that sheet where you "Check all symptoms that you have experienced."

Included on the list were the symptoms "Loss of bladder" and "Loss of bowel."

Boy - that would be problematic - "Ya' see, doc - I just seem to have lost my bladder. Don't know where it went or why - I just woke up and was experiencing this horrible case of lost bladder."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
These next two are courtesy of Michelle - Thanks for the laughs!! :)

1) This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. You may recognize it from email forwards. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter…

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. 'Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or' Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong.'

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
--------------------------------------
2) To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria - found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop; Wine = Health.
Therefore, it' s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.

Mom was right...

And there it is in writing.
I've decided that time is kind of like money in the bank - you always want to try and keep a little extra just in case of emergency. Well, I am learning that time is the same way - you always want to keep a little extra in case of emergency. As I have mentioned before, I really like packing my schedule nice and full - not enough to be totally stressed all the time - but enough to stay good 'n busy 'n out of trouble ;). However, having felt so completely gross as of late, and spending so much time sleeping, I finally get it. If I save up some extra time for these "just in case" situations, then sleeping extra really won't be interfering with too much. Like having money in the bank, baby.
I finally get what mom has been saying for years now. Just had to find out for myself, as usual - thanks mom :D

Speaking of sleeping - funny story to share. So I stopped by Sam's Club before orchestra on Thursday, and it really wasn't as busy as I'd expected, so I got out of there and was early to orchestra by about 45 min. So I figured I'd just lay my head down on the passenger seat and take a 15-20 minute nap until other people started to show up. It was a pretty safe idea (so I though), 'cause I never really fall asleep in my car, and I'd hear everyone else getting there and talking and opening and shutting car doors and such. But, oops - I misjudged. I didn't wake up 'til 7:02 - and, yes, rehearsal starts at 7:00. So I walk in 5 minutes late - not because I got there late, but because I got there so early! I felt really silly for that one... oh well, no harm.

Is this my excuse for skipping classes? ;)

Horoscope-of-the-day: "Stress could take a bit of a toll on you today, dear Aquarius. You might temporarily misplace your drive and ambition, and be left wondering if it's really worth it. This is not a good day to start projects, or to get involved in important discussions. If you can, stay home, relax, and get some rest. You might be skipping a few chores, but in the long run you'll be better off. Treat yourself to a good book and a pint of chocolate ice cream!"

Have I or have I not been feeling this for, oh, the last three weeks or so? But maybe this is just supporting that, yes, it is okay to skip class! :D

Oh, I suppose I'll wait 'n see what the doctor has to say, first, but it is a nice thought (well, except the ice cream part...but maybe some sorbet or sherbet or fro-yo).

Happy Monday!

p.s.

I love my new bed set - LOVE IT!!! I think I might marry it. ;)

Rest in Peace, Charleton Heston

Charleton Heston (originally Charles Carter) died yesterday night. One of the coolest actors ever, in my opinion - obviously known for films like the 10 Commandments and Ben Hur and Planet of the Apes, one of my personal favorites is actually The Omega Man. Oh, and dude - he was married to the same woman since 1944. Quite respectable for a "Hollywoodian," eh?
Rest in Peace, Charleton Heston.

am i really cut out for this?

Sometimes I just start to wonder if I'm cut out for this. I get to that point where I don't even know what to say or what to do - does that feeling - that doubt and that fear - ever go away? It has to, or how d'you ever make it through life?

Okay, so I'm sure you still get through life - that's being a little drastic - but what sorts of relationships can you truly form with people? It's funny - for being such a people-person, I sure get to that point where I don't even want to deal with people. And not because of the other "people," but because I start to drive myself crazy! What can I say and what should I say (or shouldn't), and how do I/should I react to things and am I being too judgemental or too obnoxious and why am I so quick to lay all the blame and responsibility on myself? And why am I so afraid? Even when I do have the opportunity to just be totally comfortable and be totally myself and totally open with someone I trust - I'm still reserved and afraid. Why? Where did that come from? It's different with my family, at least. I mean, I'd hope so, after 26 years (well, 23 in Scott's case) but not everyone shares the relationship with their family that I do with mine.

I am totally intrigued by intuition, too - my counselor is always telling me to trust my intuition - but what IS intuition?

Simple pleasures

Forgot to share the highlight of my week - I splurged on a new comforter and sheet set. When I don't feel well, I am all about comfort - comfort foods, comfort-smells (Horses, clean laundry and bar-soap being at the top of the list - especially Zest and Lever2000 - followed closely by gingerbread and tea with honey and lemon), and comfort-touches. So I found an alternative-down hypoalergenic comforter with a microfiber cover in a lightish blue, and a sage green egyptian cotton sheet set. All for a very reasonable price at Ross. And then I actually took my books and laptop off my bed and crawled under the covers and slept good and hard. Aaaah - so nice!
No more smoothies or fro-yo for the rest of the month, but totally worth it!
All about the simple pleasures of life...

Mmmmm...tasty

You know what is tasty? Fish oil gelcaps. They're really not that gross - but they smell perfectly awful. You know what else is tasty? Apple cider vinegar. My massage therapist recommended that I add that to my daily diet (along with the fish oil, ginger tea, pure cranberry juice, and a few other suggestions). So I was just curious about how you "take" the vinegar and how much, etc., so I googled it, and there is all this information on how good it is for you - all these purported health benefits. They're not all medically proven, but I don't see it huring anything as long as I eat bananas to keep my potassium levels up - and it is sure to increase urine acidity - So why not try it? But I haven't quite gotten used to the taste, yet - some recommend adding it to apple juice, but the most popular recommendation (including that on the bottle) is to mix 2tsp. ACV, 2tsp. honey, 2tsp. lemon juice, and 8 oz. of water. You can also add some Cayenne pepper to help flush your system, and some pure maple syrup or dark molasses for I forget why. Ewwwww. And it's the unfiltered vinegar, so it looks a little gross, but, again, it's supposed to offer the most benefits.
The next suggestion my massage therapist gave me was to fast for about 48 hours to see if that helps with the stomach pain - so only water and 16 oz. of this concoction and 16 oz. of the cranberry juice daily. I'm thinkin' I'll give it a shot starting tomorrow...but we'll see ;) Dude, and even the cranberry juice I might need to water down, 'cause we're not talking Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice "Cocktail," or even the 100% juice sweetened with apple and grape juice - we are talking pure cranberry juice reconstituted with just some water - only 9 grams of sugar per serving (vs. the 28 - 34 grams you get with even the 100% juice). Talk about some bite! But it is very good - far better than drinking vinegar ;)
You know what it reminds me of mixing up the vinegar concoction? Dyeing Easter Eggs - we used to get those colored tablets that you drop into vinegar and then use those to dye your eggs.

Crazy days and thoughts

The the craziest thing happened yesterday!
(okay, maybe not the craziest, but pretty darn crazy)

So I met with a friend of mine last night to study for today's statistics test. She lives in Fort Collins, and there really aren't a lot of "half-way" meeting points, so I just went over there to meet with her. Well, being Fort Collins, there a MANY options for places to meet. We decided on one particular Starbucks location. So I get there, and I go to order a chai, and the person behind the counter looks up to take my order, and it is BETH!

Beth and I met in the first grade in Mrs. Luther's class. We were best friends all through elementary school, went to different middle schools, but were back together again come high school. Girlscouts, most of the same classes, cross-country and track - we were the two crazy girls on the team who actually liked running for fun and would go on long runs together.
So she went off to college in CA while I stayed in WA, but we both end up in Colorado for grad. school, and then *poof* - it is Beth behind the counter at that one particular Starbucks. Small world, isn't it?! SO crazy! we chatted, I met her husband, and now we finally have each other's contact info. But I am still shakin' my head over the whole thing - we picked that Starbucks and met at that time and there was Beth!

Crazy...

And, for your entertainment, a few more random thoughts:

Sometimes it is interesting when people who like grayness and like analyzing things communicate with those who prefer the black-and-white approach. I'm not saying any approach is better or worse - just a simple observations that it can present challenges in communication.

You know what else is challenging? Self-evaluation - like really, deeply evaluating yourself and your perspectives and views and how you view the world and considering your interactions with others. And then deciding what to do with that information.
Except maybe it's not challenging at all - this is, afterall, just my perspective on things.
It's also challenging when you know you are being hypocritical, but that change is slower in coming. Why can't it change immediately, and why shouldn't it? But easier said than done...

It is frustrating as hell to have so little confidence that you look to others to validate your own views and opinions. It is a SELF-perspective...
And is it self-confidence, or is it something else? Value is in there, too. What else?

Dude, and how frustrating IS hell?

What is the meaning of life?

Are we all unique individuals, or do we just like to think so?
How is it that those desires for belonging and for individuality coexist? How do we accommodate for that in our selves and in our lives?

Looking at different types of relationships is fun and interesting - and confusing, but that's part of the fun.

How much of this will I read later and wonder - "why did I say that?" "what did I mean?" or think - "oh, I cannot believe that was my thought process!"
Does it matter? Does it matter what I did think, or only what I do think?

Oh, and note to self: remember the word "Compromise" for later...

Speaking of things that make me feel ill...

Juilie and I were just talking with someone about those things schools and teachers are expected to teach beyond the "academic" content. And while I totally support that schools develop programs for tolerance education, etc. and implement them as early as possible, what about the home life and the community life and all those other spheres of a person's world outside of school?

Granted, in the story below, home life was rather dismal in the cases of both boys, which just makes me sad. But, again, it also raises some larger issues. Yes, the schools are a good place to reach lots of people with these programs all at one time, and is certainly better than nothing - but it is also so easy to take issues such as this and paint it in such a way that the world's problems can be resolved through school programs - they are confined to school and can be fixed in school. Why worry about it at all? Let the schools take care of it!

So I'm being a touch pessimistic - here's excerpts from what influenced that...

---------------------------------------------------------------
Gay California student’s slaying sparks outcry:

OXNARD, Calif. - Larry King was a gay eighth-grader who used to come to school in makeup, high heels and earrings. And when the other boys made fun of him, he would boldly tease them right back by flirting with them.
That may have been what got him killed.
On Feb. 12, another student, Brandon McInerney, 14, shot him twice in the head at the back of the computer lab at their junior high school, police say.
The slaying of the 15-year-old boy has alarmed gay rights activists and led to demands that middle schools do more to educate youngsters about discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.
...
The school system said that it has tolerance programs in its middle schools, but that sexual orientation is often not dealt with until high school. Since the killing, school officials have been meeting with gay leaders about changing the program.
"With young people coming out at younger ages, our schools — especially our junior highs and middle schools — need to be proactive about teaching respect for diversity based on sexual orientation and gender identity," said Carolyn Laub, executive director of the Gay-Straight Alliance Network. "The tragic death of Larry King is a wake-up call for our schools to better protect students from harassment at school."

So I lied...here's a rant about stupid insurance coverage

and another post - today is just one of those distracted sort of days, I guess - though I'm being highly productive between times. =0)

So I had a message last night from the billing department at a lab testing facility saying I had a "severely overdue bill" - but I went through all my mail and there was no bill. So I go online and enter the invoice number given on the message, and enter my zip code as is required, and it pops up with an "invalid zip code" notice. So I call customer service today, and they'd been mailing the statements to the wrong zip code - right address otherwise, just a completely incorrect zip code.
Fine, I can deal with that - they've reset the time limit and supposedly changed the zip code, so we'll see.

But that's not the thing. The thing is that this bill is from July, when I went in for my annual woman check-up, but I decided to go to a more noted clinic than the student health center since I had still been getting stabbing pain in my left ovary-area since I came off Tommy & busted my spleen. Just wanted to check in on that one - good move, on my part... or so I thought at the time. BUT, turns out the student health insurance plan doesn't cover "preventative or routine" exams - INCLUDING FEMALE ANNUALS!!!!!

WHAT!?!

Please tell me I am not the only one who thinks this is absolutely ridiculous - I am trying to be responsible and prevent all sorts of fun diseases - including cervical cancer - that doctors everywhere are so adamant about, and the student health care won't cover it??? So now I get to pay over $200.00 in lab screenings. Yay.
It would have been cheaper to come to the school health center - like, waaaaay cheaper ($150.00 cheaper), but I really just wanted to get another opinion about my pain. Is that so wrong? Well, no - but it'll cost ya'. Well, it'll cost ya' either way 'cause the insurance plan doesn't cover any costs related to annuals.

I am actually quite angry, and I don't get angry. It is so F***ing STUPID. I remember getting worked up about this way back in August when my insurance sent me the statement with the "patient responsibility" portion - but then I never got another statement or proper bill, so I though that just maybe they'd changed their minds. But there's my lesson - I should have read the insurance pamphlet more thoroughly and looked into the lack of a bill way sooner 'cause I bet I could have gotten the women's clinic to change the code of my exam from an annual exam to something else falling into a category that is covered. I could probably still argue it even now, but I have other things to be spending time and energy on. But at the same time, how can they get away with this? Especially covering college females? I mean, c'mon - you think they'd be more than happy to cover annuals if it meant prevention of worse things. But nooooo - they don't cover "prevention."

Grrrrr - time to let this one go for now and get to class. But seriously. PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this is a little ridiculous. Validate me! ;0)

One more

So I almost always play music or stream t.v. shows while I'm working - it actually helps me focus 'cause it's a source of noise/activity that know exactly what it is & where it's coming from, and so it occupies that part of my brain that likes to seek out stimulation without distracting the working part too much - sometimes I like quiet - but rarely.

Anywhose, most of the time, I couldn't tell you what song I just listened to or the plotline of the show that was playing while I work. But something just captured my full attention on dancing with the stars - guest performers Jacques Heim's Dance Diablo Dance Theatre. Heims formerly choreographed for Cirque de Soleil. That should say it all.

Yes, some of it is just deliciously cheesy - I mean, c'mon, it IS, afterall, set to Meatloaf's "I would do anything for love (but I won't do that)." But if you can get past that and really watch the gravity (and even death)-defying things these people are doing - oh my goodness.

Catch it at AOL Videos, or shoot for the higher-quality video at ABC. Select "Watch Now," find Dancing with the Stars, select the 3/25/08 episode, load it, and then go to the 29-minute mark.

YouTube favorites

Michelle just sent me a cool (albeit gross) link to a video on YouTube about the amount of sugar in soda and fruit juice. So I decided to offer links to some of my favorites, including Michelle's. If anyone's got more suggestions, feel free to share! =0)

1) Pachelbel Rant (Rob Paravonian is awesome - thanks, Scott!)

2) The Friends Theme and Sugar Ray (another Rob Paravonian classic - really, they're all funny)

3) Monty Python - Penguin Research (sums up empirical research in just 5 minutes)

4) Monty Python - Philosophers' World Cup (okay, maybe you have to be a dork for this one, but it's funny)

5) How Much Sugar is in a Can of Soda? (not funny - just gross)

Something is just backwards, here...

Ahaha -

We had a midterm in my Mus698 (Psychology of Music Teaching & Learning) class two weeks ago - right before spring break - and I really didn't know how I felt about it when all was said and done. All I remember was feeling irked that we were getting a test with definitions and matching on a graduate-level test - the essay questions I was fine with - I like those! I was a little nervous 'cause I didn't know what to expect from this professor, exactly, and I totally suck at remembering names and dates and details like that - I am a big-picture person more than I am a fine-detail person in most cases (not all the time - I'm really pretty decent with details in many cases, if I may say so, myself), and I don't mean that as an excuse, it's just a pattern I've noticed and I have experienced much less anxiety since I have acknowledged that fact. Accept it and deal with it rather than fight it, and play to my strengths. Really, my learning strategies & approaches haven't changed all that much, but I feel much better about things - until someone expects me to memorize details, and then my anxiety goes up, again. But oh well.

Anyways, that isn't even the point - the point is that I was (comparitively) looking foward to the essays, but kinda' cranky about the definitions and matching. And the only points I missed on the entire test were from the matching. 100% on the definitions and the essay questions, and even some of the "very good" comments - but botched the matching. Go figure.

So what does this say about me - that I do fine with the long-answer questions but botch the "easy," straightforward ones? Much speculation has ensued, including the thought that maybe I'm just good at b.s.-ing, but I just don't feel like typing it all out right now. Suffice to say that, next time, I'll focus a little more on ... um ... the details, I guess.

Go figure.

Happy Easter Sunday!

Hope everyone is enjoying their Easter Sundays!

Rather than blogging about the coming of spring, the Ressurection, or even the easter bunny, I have decided that today's blog shall be a tribute to those disgustingly sweet, squishy, and oh-so-innocent-looking PEEPS!!! I don't think people realize how absolutely amazing peeps are - they are sweet, maleable, versatile, and just plain fun! See for yourself...

First off: The Peep Timeline

Second, check this link out for the artistic Peeps - it's the Washington Post's "Peep Show":
My two favorites are Resevoir Peeps and Soylent Green is Peeps

Third, Peeps in Science...a.k.a. Peep Research:
This particular peep demonstrates the dangers of cigarettes and alcohol

Finally, no more are Peeps confined to Easter - you can enjoy them for many major holidays!

So enjoy your Easter, and enjoy hangin' with your Peeps ;)