Happy Pills!

Alright, so it has always totally bothered me having to take medication regularly. I didn't even like taking asthma medicine, and that's just to help me get the same amount of oxygen with the same amount of work as "normal" people. The first time I went on Paxil, I wanted to hide it from everyone - like I was plagued with some horrible, dirty disease - and I felt broken. Like I was fundamentally broken - damaged goods.

This time around, I've been far more comfortable with the whole situation. I take Zoloft for anxiety and mood swings. I also take Concerta for attention issues. Super low, once-daily doses of each. My counselor has helped me to get comfortable with the whole situation - she says it's like someone with diabetes taking insulin, or taking my asthma medicine every day. Sometimes I still don't believe it - I feel like it's all in my head (no pun intended). Like it's purely a placebo effect. And who is to say, really? Does it matter, though? Or does it only matter that I'm not having daily mood swings and I can actually be mentally present in class? And my overall anxiety level is significantly less? And I actually go to bed, instead of just working until I fall asleep with the light on? And it's not like I'm using this as a BandAide - as a "fix all" pill I can pop an go on about my merry business. I'm going to counseling and visit the psychiatrist regularly, and I've started practicing mindfulness and meditation - in the words of Bob Wiley (What About Bob?): "I'm baby stepping! I'm doing the work! I'm not a slacker!"

Today my psychiatrist was wondering if maybe we should try switching from Zoloft to Prozac for a trial run just because Prozac is also sometimes used for chronic pain conditions - like the 24 hour headaches and urinary tract issues I've been experiencing for the last 2 MONTHS. And though I wish my psychiatrist and the neurologist and the doctor could all get together and come to an agreed-upon plan of action, but, in the meantime, I'm not going to discount the psychiatrist's suggestion because it's not really changing anything I'd normally be taking, anyway - this one just may have some additional positive side effects, in this case. Which I am fine with - in fact, I thought it was very thoughtful of psychiatrist-lady to even care about the other medical issues I've been having.

So what? What about this merits 1 1/2 hours of purging my thoughts into my blog-space? Well, my "okayness" with myself and this situation are still very fragile - as alluded to above - I still have to justify it to myself that I, (1) am benefitting from this, and (2) am still okay as a person. So when someone questions the purpose or necessity of this approach - such as wondering why I would continue this regimen over the summer when I'm not in school - then I immediately start the questioning, again. And I immediately start to feel broken and damaged and, as such, like I'm not good enough. Especially when it is framed in such a way that suggests I am not myself while on medication, and that I shouldn't have to take pills to be "normal."

It just makes me want to scream - "I am finally okay with myself - don't fuck with it!" (sorry about that language, Mom - yes, you raised me better than that). I am SO much myself - and I don't want to have to take pills everyday for the rest of my natural life - but, at the same time, maybe that's how it will work out - hopefully not because, like I said, I am doing the work, but maybe - who's to say? Regardless, I AM normal, I AM myself. So wtf???

And, again, I find myself getting all defensive because I'm really still justifying this to myself.

That said, it is now 11:00 p.m., so I am going home, and maybe then I'll get some work done instead of stewing.