Actually...

I decided that in being myself, I am far better than "normal" - I am totally f-ing awesome!

Happy Pills!

Alright, so it has always totally bothered me having to take medication regularly. I didn't even like taking asthma medicine, and that's just to help me get the same amount of oxygen with the same amount of work as "normal" people. The first time I went on Paxil, I wanted to hide it from everyone - like I was plagued with some horrible, dirty disease - and I felt broken. Like I was fundamentally broken - damaged goods.

This time around, I've been far more comfortable with the whole situation. I take Zoloft for anxiety and mood swings. I also take Concerta for attention issues. Super low, once-daily doses of each. My counselor has helped me to get comfortable with the whole situation - she says it's like someone with diabetes taking insulin, or taking my asthma medicine every day. Sometimes I still don't believe it - I feel like it's all in my head (no pun intended). Like it's purely a placebo effect. And who is to say, really? Does it matter, though? Or does it only matter that I'm not having daily mood swings and I can actually be mentally present in class? And my overall anxiety level is significantly less? And I actually go to bed, instead of just working until I fall asleep with the light on? And it's not like I'm using this as a BandAide - as a "fix all" pill I can pop an go on about my merry business. I'm going to counseling and visit the psychiatrist regularly, and I've started practicing mindfulness and meditation - in the words of Bob Wiley (What About Bob?): "I'm baby stepping! I'm doing the work! I'm not a slacker!"

Today my psychiatrist was wondering if maybe we should try switching from Zoloft to Prozac for a trial run just because Prozac is also sometimes used for chronic pain conditions - like the 24 hour headaches and urinary tract issues I've been experiencing for the last 2 MONTHS. And though I wish my psychiatrist and the neurologist and the doctor could all get together and come to an agreed-upon plan of action, but, in the meantime, I'm not going to discount the psychiatrist's suggestion because it's not really changing anything I'd normally be taking, anyway - this one just may have some additional positive side effects, in this case. Which I am fine with - in fact, I thought it was very thoughtful of psychiatrist-lady to even care about the other medical issues I've been having.

So what? What about this merits 1 1/2 hours of purging my thoughts into my blog-space? Well, my "okayness" with myself and this situation are still very fragile - as alluded to above - I still have to justify it to myself that I, (1) am benefitting from this, and (2) am still okay as a person. So when someone questions the purpose or necessity of this approach - such as wondering why I would continue this regimen over the summer when I'm not in school - then I immediately start the questioning, again. And I immediately start to feel broken and damaged and, as such, like I'm not good enough. Especially when it is framed in such a way that suggests I am not myself while on medication, and that I shouldn't have to take pills to be "normal."

It just makes me want to scream - "I am finally okay with myself - don't fuck with it!" (sorry about that language, Mom - yes, you raised me better than that). I am SO much myself - and I don't want to have to take pills everyday for the rest of my natural life - but, at the same time, maybe that's how it will work out - hopefully not because, like I said, I am doing the work, but maybe - who's to say? Regardless, I AM normal, I AM myself. So wtf???

And, again, I find myself getting all defensive because I'm really still justifying this to myself.

That said, it is now 11:00 p.m., so I am going home, and maybe then I'll get some work done instead of stewing.

Sad finish to Derby

Big Brown (above left) took first with an impressive finish - big, beautiful horse with a big, beautiful stride. He started from the 20th post, so he had some serious ground to cover, but he just made it look so easy - like he was hardly even moving 'til the last stretch when he kicked into high gear. And this was just the 4th race of his career. Pretty darn impressive 3 year old.

His 5th race will be the Preakness in two weeks, with his owner and trainer hoping he will become the only 3-year-old with a shot at the title of Triple Crown champion since Affirmed in 1978.

P.S.: did I mention that my big ole' goofball of a gelding has Affirmed bloodlines? I think someone forgot to tell him that - he doesn't go anywhere in a hurry ;)

Second place went to the only filly to have run in the Derby (aka "the Boys Club") since 1999 - Eight Belles (above right). Nineteen colts and one coal-gray filly. And boy-oh-boy did she hold her own - the only horse in the field to come close to Big Brown. She blew passed the finish line after Big Brown, but as she galloped around that first turn following the finish, she collapsed. The television crews hardly even caught it - they were all focused on Big Brown, who actually shied from something, causing his jockey to abruptly dismount (read: he lost his balance, but still landed on his feet). Turns out Brown was most likely spooking from Belles as she went down and her jockey came off.

The reason for her fall? Broken ankles in both front legs - with a compound fracture in the left, exposing the leg to contamination and potential infection. You knew it was bad when she didn't get right up, but it took a minute to get the vet report. She was immediately euthanized once diagnosed - with the breaks being in both legs, there was no way to even splint her and get her into the vet ambulance. And she must have been in so much pain. That's not fair to put a horse through - euthanizing is a difficult choice, but I think it was the right one. She couldn't get up - they couldn't move her - how would she have healed? And would it have been worth it?

What happened for both legs to break? Three and four are like the teenage years in horse world. Should these horses be pushed so hard at this age? Regardless - the point is that it is an awful tragedy - from soaring into second place in the Derby to grounded and broken in seconds - and the single filly amongst the boys.

A bittersweet Derby, today.

Oh, the horrors

So the wind is ripping through Colorado, today. Yup, gusts up to 65 mph.

As the Greeley Tribune reports: "The wind already is wreaking havoc throughout Greeley, with trees falling, power outages and..." (ooh, here comes the worst part!) "...tumbleweeds blocking front doors."

Feeding this morning was nightmarish, and there have been reports of power outages and uprooted trees and tree boughs breaking off and smashing cars. A powerline (or something...) fell and hit a pedestrian here on campus, and apparently a semi was blown off the road near Wiggins. But the worst, by far, are those darn tumbleweeds blocking front doors.

Oh, the insanity!!!