Actually...

I decided that in being myself, I am far better than "normal" - I am totally f-ing awesome!

Happy Pills!

Alright, so it has always totally bothered me having to take medication regularly. I didn't even like taking asthma medicine, and that's just to help me get the same amount of oxygen with the same amount of work as "normal" people. The first time I went on Paxil, I wanted to hide it from everyone - like I was plagued with some horrible, dirty disease - and I felt broken. Like I was fundamentally broken - damaged goods.

This time around, I've been far more comfortable with the whole situation. I take Zoloft for anxiety and mood swings. I also take Concerta for attention issues. Super low, once-daily doses of each. My counselor has helped me to get comfortable with the whole situation - she says it's like someone with diabetes taking insulin, or taking my asthma medicine every day. Sometimes I still don't believe it - I feel like it's all in my head (no pun intended). Like it's purely a placebo effect. And who is to say, really? Does it matter, though? Or does it only matter that I'm not having daily mood swings and I can actually be mentally present in class? And my overall anxiety level is significantly less? And I actually go to bed, instead of just working until I fall asleep with the light on? And it's not like I'm using this as a BandAide - as a "fix all" pill I can pop an go on about my merry business. I'm going to counseling and visit the psychiatrist regularly, and I've started practicing mindfulness and meditation - in the words of Bob Wiley (What About Bob?): "I'm baby stepping! I'm doing the work! I'm not a slacker!"

Today my psychiatrist was wondering if maybe we should try switching from Zoloft to Prozac for a trial run just because Prozac is also sometimes used for chronic pain conditions - like the 24 hour headaches and urinary tract issues I've been experiencing for the last 2 MONTHS. And though I wish my psychiatrist and the neurologist and the doctor could all get together and come to an agreed-upon plan of action, but, in the meantime, I'm not going to discount the psychiatrist's suggestion because it's not really changing anything I'd normally be taking, anyway - this one just may have some additional positive side effects, in this case. Which I am fine with - in fact, I thought it was very thoughtful of psychiatrist-lady to even care about the other medical issues I've been having.

So what? What about this merits 1 1/2 hours of purging my thoughts into my blog-space? Well, my "okayness" with myself and this situation are still very fragile - as alluded to above - I still have to justify it to myself that I, (1) am benefitting from this, and (2) am still okay as a person. So when someone questions the purpose or necessity of this approach - such as wondering why I would continue this regimen over the summer when I'm not in school - then I immediately start the questioning, again. And I immediately start to feel broken and damaged and, as such, like I'm not good enough. Especially when it is framed in such a way that suggests I am not myself while on medication, and that I shouldn't have to take pills to be "normal."

It just makes me want to scream - "I am finally okay with myself - don't fuck with it!" (sorry about that language, Mom - yes, you raised me better than that). I am SO much myself - and I don't want to have to take pills everyday for the rest of my natural life - but, at the same time, maybe that's how it will work out - hopefully not because, like I said, I am doing the work, but maybe - who's to say? Regardless, I AM normal, I AM myself. So wtf???

And, again, I find myself getting all defensive because I'm really still justifying this to myself.

That said, it is now 11:00 p.m., so I am going home, and maybe then I'll get some work done instead of stewing.

Sad finish to Derby

Big Brown (above left) took first with an impressive finish - big, beautiful horse with a big, beautiful stride. He started from the 20th post, so he had some serious ground to cover, but he just made it look so easy - like he was hardly even moving 'til the last stretch when he kicked into high gear. And this was just the 4th race of his career. Pretty darn impressive 3 year old.

His 5th race will be the Preakness in two weeks, with his owner and trainer hoping he will become the only 3-year-old with a shot at the title of Triple Crown champion since Affirmed in 1978.

P.S.: did I mention that my big ole' goofball of a gelding has Affirmed bloodlines? I think someone forgot to tell him that - he doesn't go anywhere in a hurry ;)

Second place went to the only filly to have run in the Derby (aka "the Boys Club") since 1999 - Eight Belles (above right). Nineteen colts and one coal-gray filly. And boy-oh-boy did she hold her own - the only horse in the field to come close to Big Brown. She blew passed the finish line after Big Brown, but as she galloped around that first turn following the finish, she collapsed. The television crews hardly even caught it - they were all focused on Big Brown, who actually shied from something, causing his jockey to abruptly dismount (read: he lost his balance, but still landed on his feet). Turns out Brown was most likely spooking from Belles as she went down and her jockey came off.

The reason for her fall? Broken ankles in both front legs - with a compound fracture in the left, exposing the leg to contamination and potential infection. You knew it was bad when she didn't get right up, but it took a minute to get the vet report. She was immediately euthanized once diagnosed - with the breaks being in both legs, there was no way to even splint her and get her into the vet ambulance. And she must have been in so much pain. That's not fair to put a horse through - euthanizing is a difficult choice, but I think it was the right one. She couldn't get up - they couldn't move her - how would she have healed? And would it have been worth it?

What happened for both legs to break? Three and four are like the teenage years in horse world. Should these horses be pushed so hard at this age? Regardless - the point is that it is an awful tragedy - from soaring into second place in the Derby to grounded and broken in seconds - and the single filly amongst the boys.

A bittersweet Derby, today.

Oh, the horrors

So the wind is ripping through Colorado, today. Yup, gusts up to 65 mph.

As the Greeley Tribune reports: "The wind already is wreaking havoc throughout Greeley, with trees falling, power outages and..." (ooh, here comes the worst part!) "...tumbleweeds blocking front doors."

Feeding this morning was nightmarish, and there have been reports of power outages and uprooted trees and tree boughs breaking off and smashing cars. A powerline (or something...) fell and hit a pedestrian here on campus, and apparently a semi was blown off the road near Wiggins. But the worst, by far, are those darn tumbleweeds blocking front doors.

Oh, the insanity!!!

First sunburn of the season!

Have you ever reached that point where you are just too tired to care anymore? And you just want to do a spring cleaning of you life? The upside is that you can usually fairly effectively dump some excess baggage from your daily going-ons. The downside is that sometimes you can start dumping things a little too enthusiastically - I know I can, anyways...

In other news - the weather today was beautiful - a little breezy, but it kept things at just the perfect temperature for going out and riding. I love riding - and I love my horse - thank you Lori and Mom and Dad! (Tommy says "thank you," too - he is a very happy boy!!!)

Pam from the second violin section has this perfect bumper sticker - "That horse smell is my aromatherapy"

Aaaaaah - breathe in deep!

Laughs of the day

First, when I was in the Dr. office this morning, I had to fill out that sheet where you "Check all symptoms that you have experienced."

Included on the list were the symptoms "Loss of bladder" and "Loss of bowel."

Boy - that would be problematic - "Ya' see, doc - I just seem to have lost my bladder. Don't know where it went or why - I just woke up and was experiencing this horrible case of lost bladder."
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These next two are courtesy of Michelle - Thanks for the laughs!! :)

1) This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. You may recognize it from email forwards. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter…

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. 'Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or' Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong.'

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
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2) To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria - found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop; Wine = Health.
Therefore, it' s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.

Mom was right...

And there it is in writing.
I've decided that time is kind of like money in the bank - you always want to try and keep a little extra just in case of emergency. Well, I am learning that time is the same way - you always want to keep a little extra in case of emergency. As I have mentioned before, I really like packing my schedule nice and full - not enough to be totally stressed all the time - but enough to stay good 'n busy 'n out of trouble ;). However, having felt so completely gross as of late, and spending so much time sleeping, I finally get it. If I save up some extra time for these "just in case" situations, then sleeping extra really won't be interfering with too much. Like having money in the bank, baby.
I finally get what mom has been saying for years now. Just had to find out for myself, as usual - thanks mom :D

Speaking of sleeping - funny story to share. So I stopped by Sam's Club before orchestra on Thursday, and it really wasn't as busy as I'd expected, so I got out of there and was early to orchestra by about 45 min. So I figured I'd just lay my head down on the passenger seat and take a 15-20 minute nap until other people started to show up. It was a pretty safe idea (so I though), 'cause I never really fall asleep in my car, and I'd hear everyone else getting there and talking and opening and shutting car doors and such. But, oops - I misjudged. I didn't wake up 'til 7:02 - and, yes, rehearsal starts at 7:00. So I walk in 5 minutes late - not because I got there late, but because I got there so early! I felt really silly for that one... oh well, no harm.