Just when the dust is settling...

Happy Super Tuesday, everyone.

Two unrelated points I want to get to in this blog.

(1) Fall semester evals (finally) came back today - though it is hard to evaluate the stats when they give you item numbers without the item, itself. At any rate, as usual, I looked at them and read through the comments that actually came back and I got upset. I know, what else is new - think I wouldn't react in quite the same manner after how many years of this? And yet I do. But I swear, this last semester's are the worst yet - I don't get it - I busted my ass. And it plays into all those other insecurities I already have - I am not a confident person, I have low self-esteem, I am painfully aware of my tendencies towards scatterdness, absentmindedness, and overly-energeticness, and I am a ("recovering") perfectionist, to boot. Though my self-efficacy is really pretty decent, when I encounter situations such as this, it makes me wonder if maybe I'm just seeing things in a distorted way. Maybe I am too idealistic. Maybe I can't do this, but I'm just too stubborn to admit it. Maybe all those people who told me I “just don’t have enough “life-experience”” were on to something. Maybe I should've said no - I won't accept this teaching position 'cause I have no business teaching...at least not teaching this. Maybe (oh, don't make me say it...) - maybe I'm "too" busy, or "too" unorganized, or "too" inexperienced. But if I don't teach, what am I going to do with my life? Yes, that may seem extreme, 'cause things always work out in the end, but it admittedly does feel a little like that, right now - like The Wanderer, below. I really love teaching, and I really bust my ass. And I DON’T want to be one of those teachers that people avoid, or be known as someone who “tries hard, means well, needs supervision.”

It is interesting to note, also, the differences between the two sections – both the same class, just two sections – one right after the other. First section = some horrific, mostly mediocre, and a couple of good/outstanding. Second section = mostly mediocre and good, some outstanding. What is up?

Eesh. Aw well, I am calming down now, and, though I do still feel I have failed miserably at my first attempt at flying solo with this class, and have managed to come off as incompetent and a waste of time, I am ready to start the reflective process. Some of the comments may reflect poorly on me, but are also totally…um…unfounded, I guess. Plenty of important considerations and things I really can work on, but some things, also, that I can read, process, and let go of. Part of it, in all honesty, I really feel relates to the honesty thing - when & how & all that... aw well.

The biggest decision relating to this, though: do I want to see about taking another stab at this next year (assuming they need me), or apply for one of the GTA positions in the psych department... hmmm...

(2) I have narrowed down my current potential research projects to three "doable" options (I'm really proud of myself!) - of which I need to choose one for immediate undertaking, and one to start thinking about and really work on over the summer. I don’t think I’ll use the equine stuff this semester, but beyond that, I'm having trouble deciding which one of the following to choose for this semester, and which to save for later (& which to use for my Masters comps projects) ...

Votes, anyone???

a) Interviewing middle-school students – some of whom have decided to continue with formal music studies in school, and some of whom have dropped music – to find out, from the students’ perspectives, why they have made their respective choices. This also entails touching on in- and out-of-school music experiences. Ultimately (beyond the scope of this semester), to find out how school music programs align with student desires/needs/etc.

b) Interviewing pre-service music teachers to: 1) have them identify their teaching philosophies and/or philosophies of music ed (related, but different in some, but not all, cases), (2) track the development of their respective philosophies, and (3) inquire as to whether students in this particular institution’s program feel if this area has been over- or under-represented in coursework. In the long-term, I’d like to align pre-service teacher data with first-year teachers from this program, instructors in the program, and maybe some “experienced” teachers. Maybe compare with other schools’ programs – lots of direction to go.