Sometimes...

Sometimes I can't help but wonder - what's the point?
There are already so many articles and so many books and so many people discussing and researching these things I am also interested in. And so what's the point?
Will I actually come up with something new - or at least a different approach to something not-so-new? And even if I do, will that be heard? Or will it become obscured - indistinct - like the articles never read or books never checked out?
And even if it is heard, will it make a difference?
It will for me, but beyond me?
And I keep going, because I have this desire to discover and learn and grow - but it is also human nature to want to contribute. So much is already out there, so where is my role? What is my role?

Sometimes I can't help but wonder - what's the point?

In memory of Ray Hunt

"Why does it take a lifetime to learn how to live a lifetime" ~Ray Hunt

Rest in peace Ray Hunt: August 31, 1929 - March 12, 2009.

One of the greatest horsemen in history - he was called a "Master of Communication" for a reason - passed away last week. I had the opportunity to ride Tommy in the horsemanship portion of a Ray Hunt clinic in Wyoming in 2006. I have the best parents in the world. In fact, Mom took the photograph featured above at that clinic.

He was amazing to watch - watching him watching the horses and humans.My favorite part, though, was not caught on camera. In fact, Juilie's half-brother, Clayton, remains the only eye-witness. See, everyone else took a picture with Mr. Hunt and shook hands with Mr. Hunt. But when I went to thank him and shake his hand....

he said, "Come here, Karen" and he gave me a hug.

Maybe it was my very large horse. Or my english attire with western tack. Or my purple hair.

I don't know. But I shared a hug with Mr. Ray Hunt. And when he smiled, he had the brightest twinkle in his eye. (Thank you, Mom and Dad!)

And he was wise beyond the horsemanship. Some favorites from quotes from his book, Cowboy Logic, illustrate this:

"Fix it up and let him find it"

"Adjust to fit the situation"

"Recognize the smallest change, the slightest try"

"It's the little things that make a big difference"

"Believe in your horse so your horse can believe in you"

"Make the best out of a bad situation"

"The slower you go the faster you will learn"

"The horse will teach you if you'll listen"

and, of course, "Whistle, grin and ride!" :)

While they refer to horsemanship, they apply to multiple venues of life. Like teaching. Relationships. Getting through hard times. So very wise.

Rest in peace, Mr. Ray Hunt. I know you were in it for the horse, but you helped the humans, too. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your self. And thank you to your family for sharing, too!

Holy Cow

First, if you haven't already, go rent Religulous. And after you watch the movie, watch the special features, too. It's comedy done as a documentary, with comedian Bill Maher travelling world-wide to ask people about their respective religions and try to find some answers. Very entertaining while still though-provoking, and it actually ends on a rather serious note...

Anyway, Neil and I watched it Friday night and are still talking about it (granted, talking philosophy and religion are both favorite topics, anyway, but the point is that we both thoroughly enjoyed the movie - hope you do/did, too).

Second, I didn't go to the doctor about my foot - I tried swimming, instead, and so far it seems to be working out well. I made it through the weekend wearing my ankle brace but without any serious pain, which is sweet. Still some swelling and it hurts if you push right on the tendons, but full range of motion and weight-baring action are back. Yay! Just in time for the weekend...

Third, with regards to this weekend: my personal trainer guy is the coolest ever. EVER! Between yesterday and today, every part of my body is sore...and it is GREAT!!! Just the warm-up consists of 3 sets of 5 exercises (squats, pull-ups, sit-ups, push-ups, and back extensions), 10 reps each. Then we start the workout, which is like intense circuit training based in cardio, gymnastics and weightlifting.

Holy cow.

It is awesome!

I am totally going to be spoiled by the end of this. And hopefully I'll also be in totally better shape ;)

Awesome weekend, though I suppose for now I should get back to laundry, homework, and BED.

Happy Monday, everyone!!

Giddy

Ahhh - I am in such a good mood today. Didn't start that way, but here I find myself.
SO much work to do, but there always is. And I slept through the observations I was supposed to do at a middle school this morning for our research project - which I was feeling horribly guilty about, but then I saw my counselor. It is okay for me to sleep. When I am so passed out that my alarm clock doesn't wake me and it's physically difficult to get out of bed, it usually means the sleep was needed. And I DO feel so much better now.
So I got some sleep, I saw my counselor, I met with a professor, I got ready for class, and then we had an awesome presentation (my two partners and I). Class let out at 5:00, but I'm still on a high from it. It easily could have flopped, and I still don't know that everyone got it, but I personally think it went beautifully and every major element of our topic was illustrated through our activity and commented on while our classmates reflected on the experience. Such a cool feeling - and, as always, I had some very nice additional conversations with some classmates. I love that class!! I don't think I have thanked my friend enough - a certain individual responsible for my dropping a psych class and taking this narrative analysis one. I am SO glad she did. I cannot imagine NOT participating in this amazing, dynamic learning process.
And it has so opened my eyes to what reseach has the potential to be - just as rigorous, but with very different methods, data sources, and presentation/representation. Not always readily accepted by traditionalists, but why shouldn't/couldn't it be?
And I get to have a personal trainer for the remainder of the semester through one of the SES (sport and exercise science) courses at school, SES 490: Exercise Assessment and Programming. SES majors develop, organize, and implement a training program for a "real" person, which means they need & take volunteers from around campus, and I'm one of those volunteers this year. My trainer has actually been doing it (training) for a little while and likes it so much he decided to pursue a degree in it while still working out and training others, himself. He has a very holistic approach to "fitness," loves learning - wants to come back for his masters next year - and loves sharing knowledge, which totally clicks with me! And best of all, even though their class/our sessions are only on Mondays and Wednesdays, he checked with his teacher and is going to have me come to his gym where he works a couple extra times a week, so I get to start this weekend! Yay! And while maybe I should hold off on the excitement until I find out exactly how hard he is going to work me, I can't help but really look forward to it - a (free) personal trainer who is going to work with me in a way that focuses a lot on core strength and how all my body parts work together (instead of isolating certain muscle groups) in all dimensions of fitness (i.e. cardio, speed, strength, power, diet, stress, etc.). This has the potential to really benefit both of us. Maybe I'll even get to where I can make it through an entire orchestra rehearsal without slouching... I'll definitely keep updates...
Oh, and I have the most awesome, wonderful boyfriend. He makes me feel so good just for being me. And I love him for being him. In fact, we often tell each other, "Thank you for being you."
It's an important thing to say, and an important thing to hear - so to everyone in my life and whoever might happen to read this, thank you for being you.
And now off to orchestra, and then work on editing that manuscript. Life is good :)

My Left Foot

My Left Foot is a 1989 movie starring Daniel Day-Lewis as Christy Brown, a man born with cerebral palsey, but with control over his left foot. It's a true story and a very good movie.

But I'm just borrowing the title.

While I am appreciative for my good health and physical capabilities, MY left foot making me cranky. I was very excited to be getting back into running, with the goal of running a marathon or some organized running event this summer (see my Feb. 9th post). But running has been difficult since last Saturday. My horse and I ran some hills (I'm trying to get his butt back in shape, too. Literally - gotta' build up those butt muscles so he uses them instead of carrying all his weight on the front end). Anyway, my left achilles started to hurt a little like it does, but I must have started to compensate in some weird way, 'cause then some tendon(s) on the outside of my ankle has been hurting and warm and swollen all week. I'm sure it doesn't help that I tried to run on it a couple times, and I jogged & walked hills with my horse again today. But I really have been taking it easy (comparatively).

But now it is so swollen it looks like an egg's been shoved in there (which doesn't sound very big, but we are talking about that bony part of the outer ankle), and a bag of frozen vegetables is keeping it close company.

but seriously. What is with my left foot? It's always the left foot (except for the time it was my left knee...and left arm...and spleen, which is on the left... maybe it's just left side...). Either way, I just want it to hurry up and feel better so I can get back to running. Preferably without going to the doctor. As my parents will vouch, I start to get a little cranky when I don't get out running... ;)

Birthday Reflections

*Before I get to my regularly-scheduled blogging, I would like to say THANK YOU!!! to everyone with their birthday wishes - my brothers and Heidi and my parents and friends - and thank you, Neil, for helping me to celebrate...tame as it may have been (that's what you get for a Wednesday birthday where you get out of school late and still have research meetings and class on Thursday) :) Thank you all - I really appreciate it, and I love you all dearly. You know who you are and I'll thank you individually soon as I get a chance (I'm aiming for Spring Break in March....). But in the meantime, thanks and I love you!

Now that this is sounding like an acceptance speech, I'll get back to my regularly scheduled blog*

another year older as of yesterday - though, as Neil pointed out, it's not like I'm just 26 for a year and then *boom!* - an entire year catches up with me as soon as the clock hits 11:00 a.m. on February 11th. As I was entering my age into the treadmill at the gym on Tuesday evening, I realized I could just as easily enter "27" versus "26." Like it would make that big of a difference.

It's just weird, though. I'm 27 this year. 25 is the half-way point. 26 still seems... younger. But 27 is only 3 years away from 30. And as I consider it, it's not even that 30 really seems that "old" (yet - maybe I should wait 'til my brother's birthday in March and ask him how it actually feels - what I have to look forward to). Anyway, I actually still feel quite young, and that's what's off about it. I still feel so young - more like 17 than 27 - and what do I have to show for my life thus far? 30 is a milestone coming up fast. When will I feel like a grown-up? And what will I have to show for my years, for my time on earth?
Granted, that same old "what does it even matter?" question can easily apply in this situation, too.
But just a little observation. Everytime I say or write or enter the number "27" I just can't help but feel that I should be a little more grown-up by now - have a few more things under my belt, maybe dress and act a little more like 27. And I'm sure I'm not alone in this, and I'm not so sure it'll ever go away - not anytime soon, anyway.

What does our age really mean? What does it really define about us? Should it necessarily define anything about us?

R & R

No, not that kind - not the rest-and-relaxation. I'm talking running and research.

Two things I've been meaning to write about but haven't gotten around to it - always something to do.

Running, first. My new runnning shoes are grrrrreat! Asics, of course - the Gel-Panthera - fit like a glove, super comfy, and very supportive for my achilles tendon. I got about 17 miles in this last weekend without my orthodics. Not that I should make a habit of that if I want to keep the tendon happy, but I'm pretty happy. In fact, I'm seriously tempted to go buy another pair now to save for when these ones wear out.

Anyways, between that and Marathon Training for Dummies, I've been feeling good about getting back into a regular schedule of running/training... maybe even with thoughts of running a marathon or mini-triathalon this summer. So far, so good. Getting in long runs, speed/strength work, weight-lifting, core strengthening... I even go running with my horse so we can both get in shape :)

We'll just have to wait 'n see how long this lasts in light of school and research and work and all...

Speaking of which, let's talk some research.

Every semester I face the same problem: which research projects do I choose to go with for the semester, and which do I put on the back-burner? I know it all seems so arbitrary, but at the same time, I feel as though I'm neglecting whatever I don't choose - and almost a little afraid that they'll slip away and I'll never get them back again. I know - weird, right? But true.

SO, I'm going to write about all of them. That way they are down in words - permanent (at least for the duration of this blogger site). It's better when things are down in writing...sometimes...not all the time, I guess...but sometimes and even most of the time as far as I'm concerned. That way things won't be lost - I won't lose them or forget about them, and I can stop stressing about it.

So here are the things I really, really want to research someday, and the things I'm taking on this semester:

For this semester:

1) Srm641 (mixed methods): continue pursuing last semester's topic - Examining Conceptualizations of Caring in Teaching among First-year Preservice Teachers: Developing a Taxonomy of Caring in Teaching (it exists for nursing...how 'bout for teachers? maybe there's even predictive value...)

2) Srm670 (Evaluation methods): UNC peer tutoring program evaluation (including lit review of peer tutoring in higher education, efficacy, added benefits beyond academic gains, etc.)

3) Srm687 (Narrative inquiry): Autoethnography - on being a twenty-something white female "diagnosed" with attention issues as an adult (and all the surrounding issues and arguments)

4) Research topics (for school, outside of classes): a) Curriculum for transformative learning in 6th-grade science classrooms - effects for students & the teacher, b) Favorite teacher stories as a method for assessing preservice teachers' motivations & values of teaching/teachers & patterns in responses, c) music therapy in the middle ages (or, rather, the gap in music therapy in the middle ages), d) Peer Tutoring Program & online tutoring program.

Other things I want to make sure I return to/get to:

*Preservice teachers' motivations for entering teaching. In-service teachers' motivations for staying in/leaving teaching. Comparison of the definitions of caring in teaching across samples (preservice, beginning, & experienced teachers).

*Psychology of music: a) why do students choose to pursue/drop out of music participation in school? b) why do "amateur" musicians return to/continue performing in non-professional settings? c) What is behind those emotional responses to music?

*Anthrozoology: a) exploring peoples' relationships with their pets - perceived vs. "hard" (measurable) benefits, b) Equine-Assisted-Learning.

I'm sure there's more - but those are the major areas of interest. And now they're down in writing. So I can go to sleep (even though sometimes - like now - sleep feels like a waste of time. But it also happens to be necessary...).

So good night :)