What this non-existent clever title was going to sum up was the fact that this particular blog is quite similar to my previous "humph" posting from April, and yet not at all the same.
Once again, I find myself disagreeing with the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" cliche. However, previously, it was due to a situation that left me feeling annoyed and lacking and undesired/unimportant. This time, it is because I just can't get enough of a certain individual. And this certain individual is causing all these feelings and internal dialogues and even conflict that I have never previously dealt with. This is all very, very good for me - it is, afterall, such dissonance that leads to change.
In fact, this individual makes me want to go back and just delete all the nice things I blogged about Bart, 'cause, let's be honest, he doesn't even measure up, anymore. But I decided not to, 'cause Bart really is a good person and really was good for me and what I needed at the time, and really did help build up my confidence as an individual and as a contributing member of a relationship - and what I just said about not measuring up was pretty harsh of me, but that is really how I feel, too.
Anyways, yes. Wow. Who knew what I was missing? I had that unnerving feeling that I was missing something (partially responsible for my request of Jael to teach me how to listen to my intuition), but who even knew. Now that I am getting a glimpse of the unknown - getting to experience it, firsthand - I don't know what to do with myself. Don't know how to react, don't know what to think of the situation. And goodness knows, I don't like not knowing. My guts are saying, "Abort! Abort!" (or at least slam on the brakes), and my self wants to just cruise right along, and then my head feels like it's trying to ref a pong tournament while doing cartwheels and totally overanalyzing everything (as usual).
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am the type of person who plays the Sims set almost exclusively to the fastest speed. Wouldn't that be a fun research project? Analyze personalities based on how people play the Sims?
Mmmm...and then I go back to trying to be content with the here and the now and let the chips fall where they may. In fact, just having spewed, I feel much better, thank you!
Except for the part where I still miss this individual immensely much.
Ooooh - I thought of a title. Nothing clever or witty or anything, but appropriate. I should call this "Exercises in Patience." And we all know how patient a person I am...(ha!). This is all so complimentary to my mindfulness exercises, though. Amazing!
And in other news-to-be-deliriously-happy-about: Tommy is my pony. My parents are the best parents in the world (yeah, you can try to argue that point, but I'll win!), and my horse is really my horse. I didn't even argue with them - I was tempted to - but they do the things they do because they love me and because they want to. So what kind of person would I be if I gave them a hard time?
Thank you, Mom and Dad. I love you!