Thursday, June 26, 2008

Perspective



So here I am talking about needing a vacation when everything I am doing are things I love and have chosen to do. Doesn't mean I can't get better at saying "no" to obligations, but I have the opportunity and the resources and the health to be going to school and to be riding horses and even to be scooping manure. I don't "have" to be doing these things - I am choosing and able to do these things.

My Aunt Lynn helped shift my perspective. Lynn passed away last night after battling brain cancer for over 8 years. I started to see in Lynn this fundamental shift in her own perspective - what things didn't matter so much anymore, and what things became more important - like family and saying "I love you." And how often do you stop and thank God that you can tie your own shoes? Walk on your own two feet? See the beautiful colors of the sunset? Thank you, Aunt Lynn - I'm sorry I missed you, but thank you for an important reminder, and I love you always.

So, yes - I am still tired at the moment, and I can still work on limiting myself to what I can reasonably handle and still do quality work - but at least I have what I have, and, what's more, I have so many people in my life who love me and care about me that I can share these things with. Thank you all for every thing and every minute you have given me, and for your love and support, and for all your smiles and laughs.

P.S.
Thanks, Uncle Jim, for introducing me to the amazing sidewalk chalk drawings of Julian Beever (above)

Monday, June 23, 2008

Rest In Peace, George Carlin


RIP, George Carlin: May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008. Died at age 71 of heart failure. Stand-up comedian, Protagonist & Antagonist extraordinaire. The world will miss you, whether or not they realize it, yet.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Yup. Ready for a vacation.

Or at least change. But, see, just a simple vacay wouldn't quite do it. I'd need to pull a Bob Wiley (Bill Murray's character in What About Bob?) - "Vacation from my problems!" And maybe my own Gil to hang around my neck...hehehe...I love that movie ;)

Or maybe I just need to suck it up and get on with things...but I think that's what I am doing - still keepin' on keepin' on - and everyone needs a vacation every now and then. Hm. Oh well - almost vacation time!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Happy Father's Day (and belated Mother's Day, for that matter)!

I know lots of people claim to have the best parents on the face of the planet. And, yes, many of you do have fantastic and wonderful parents. But mine really are the best. I'm sure they are both more likely to dwell on their perceived mistakes rather than successes, but I think they have done and continue to do a marvelous job, four times over. Life without the relationship I share with both Mom and Dad would not be nearly the quality it is - having their love and support - having someone you know you can go to for an honest opinion, but also for a good laugh - being able to discuss the trivial and the "deep." To know that your parents will really, truly be there for you (even when you are lashing out at them during your horrible teenage years just because you know they have to love you...sorry about those times), whether with hugs, financial support, or that sometimes-necessary tough love. To know and feel that they really do want the best for you.

I can only hope and strive to be the kind of people my parents are - someday be they kind of parents my parents are.

Love you both very, very much! Thank you!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Restless Person Syndrome?

How am I going to survive in the real world when I thrive so much on having those "next big things"? I mean, my whole life has been a sequence of events - each having definitive goals. First you get from elementary to middle to high school. Then you graduate high school and go to college. Then you graduate college and either get a job in the real world, or you do what I do and go back to school for a masters degree. Then you finish graduate degree number one and go back for your PhD. But then what? I suppose I could stay a student forever, but even then, I will become stuck in that rut. And getting stuck in ruts makes me feel a little stir crazy. Even now, though I am totally happy with my life - who else gets to go to school and ride horses and work and interact with some awesome people? - I still find myself getting a little restless. They have restless leg syndrome - is there restless person syndrome?

First, there is the prospect of the same old grind for several more years - but I don't know exactly how many because it depends on coursework and getting comps projects and dissertation proposals approved, and then the dissertation, itself - and I just don't know how all that's gonna' fly. It's different with your undergrad and masters degrees (well, was for me, anyway) because you have very clear goals. Here are the requirements you have to meet, and you can check them off the list as you go. Sure, it's not a sure thing - you're not guranteed to "pass" - but I have always had faith in my abilities. But now I'm having doubts, and a large part of that is due to this ambiguity. And in the meantime, like I said, same old grind. Which, again, isn't bad by any means. I love where I live and I love what I do, aside from minor inconveniences like living away from my family and away from my boyfriend. But it's that routine that starts to feel like lack of freedom, and that perceived lack of freedom makes me restless and I want to drop what I'm doing and flee to something else NOW.
Second contributing factor: what comes next? Where will I get a job? And doing what? And what will be that "next big thing"? Paying off student loans?
Dammit - why can't I just focus on the here-and-now and let the big picture piece itself together as we go? I think it's time I start meditating, again...

But, see, as I thought about this restless feeling more, I realized that it might not be "restless" at all - it might be fear. See, I'm very, very afraid of "screwing up" - doing something "wrong" - not being perfect. And if I continue along a consistent trajectory, I'm bound to screw up, eventually. I will make mistakes. I will fail. And even though my logical self can rationalize this in so many ways (it's not failing, it's learning; everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are how you learn and grow; etc., etc., etc.), I still feel like I am failing. And perfectionists don't like to fail, so perfectionists often avoid situations where he/she might fail. So maybe I'm not restless - I'm trying to avoid that inevitable point of failure. I want to move on to something new and different where I can again demonstrate a steep learning curve before I crash on my current path.

Silly - I can't just continually jump from thing to thing. I can't avoid life - or people in my life. I can't be perfect. What is "perfect," anyway? Again, I am reminded of that Serendipity book, Persnickity. Roses are perfect the way they are, thorns 'n all. So what is perfect?

No conclusions - food for thought for me (and a great topic of conversation for my next meeting with my counselor!)

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Point Taken

Today's Aquarius Horoscope: Jun 08, 2008

You are in a unique position to really understand all sides of the issues, dear Aquarius. While this is apt to give you a tremendous advantage over those who still have their heads stuck in the sand, this knowledge also gives you a greater responsibility to the people around you. Intuitively you know what is best, and now you must find a way to bring others around to your perspective and help them find a way out from underground.