TSO "Old City Bar"

Accompanied by some random and some family pics (thanks, Heidi!)...

Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Old City Bar

So, Heidi's "'tis the season" series has inspired me...that and the fact that I am beginning to go cross-eyed working on a paper.
As I am working on this paper, I am listening to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra Christmas Eve and Other Stories album...for the third time in a row...
Yes, it may seem like overkill, but not to anyone who has listened to the album - TSO does rock-opera, but not like Green-Day's latest - no, they incorporate a much wider range of instruments and do original works as well as arrangements of the classics, like Beethoven and Tchaikovsky. I could go on and on, but suffice to say that they are incredible!
The storyline and music of Christmas Eve and Other Stories is one of my favorites - it has "Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24," which you can catch on the radio this time of year, and "A Mad Russian's Christmas," which is the Nutcracker suite redone, and lots of people sync their Christmas lights to it (just visit YouTube).
Anywhose, one of my favorite tracks from my favorite album is "Old City Bar"

It never fails to give me chills:

"If you want to arrange it, this world you can change it. If we could somehow make this Christmas Day last, by helping a neighbor, even a stranger. To know who needs help, you need only just ask."

pastimes

One of my favorite things to do at this time of year - especially during these last weeks of the semester when things are just crazy and hectic and stressful - is to go running at night, listening to Christmas music from a local radio station on my mp3 player and looking at peoples' Christmas lights. Maybe not quite as "productive" as getting school-related reading done while working out at the university gym, but very nice and refreshing and relaxing. You should give it a shot sometime.

And some more...

I am capable and deserving. I am capable and deserving. I am capable and deserving....

Self-affirmations for E-day

Yes. The big "E" - that would "evaluations." Evaluation day would be that day that I leave class 20 minutes early so one of my students can distribute evaluation forms and bubble sheets and every student (present) can whip out #2 pencils and go to town.

I hate evaluation day, because, though the evals themselves can be helpful (and I say "can" because one never knows exactly what kind of comments you get, if any at all, and how helpful they are - some you need to take with a grain of salt, but some really are helpful), but they still stress me out, and we don't even get the results back until mid-january, even into february.

Ack! I hate the waiting game. At least with the evals I hand out at midterms, I have instant gratification. That way it's more like ripping off a band-aide quick-like instead of this agonizingly slow and painful wait. Plus I'm worried, as always, about the results. This semester started off well (I thought) and lots of the students have told me that they like the class (not that they only like me - they actually like the class - which is good). But I just dunno'. the one section seems pretty consistently positive, but the other section - I frequently come out feeling convinced I don't know what I'm doing and have no business being here. In fact, maybe it was even irresponsible of me to accept the teaching position. So I really don't know what to excpect - but I want so badly to be GOOD at this - and I don't mean "good" as in well-liked, I mean "good" as in a good and effective teacher. And it scares me to think that I might not be - maybe that's not my niche in life at all. And that I possibly wasted the time of all my students all this semester.

And most of them I get to have again next semester. scary.

And I SO don't want to be one of "those" graduate students contributing to the negative image of grad-students teaching - schools that don't have grad students teach always point out the schools that do in negative ways - that students are getting the bad end of the deal if a grad student is teaching the class instead of a "real" professor. I don't want to help further that image.

But, it is okay, 'cause even if I end up feeling like I totally screwed this semester over for myself and at least the one section of my students and I don't get to teach this class again and whatever, I will find my place in life. I have a lot to offer, and every part of me - even the faults and things I think I want to change - they still make me who I am. Everyone needs to remember those things about yourself that make you YOU. And even though we can all benefit from some self-evaluation and being open to change, it is also important to preserve those core parts of ourselves.

I also take comfort in trying really hard to treat others the way I would like to be treated, as well as the way others have been gracious enough to treat me. And I will find my niche. Everything works out in the end.

That said, my stats homework aint' gonna' do itself. =0)

Woohoo!

Okay, shortest blog ever - things to do, but just had to share the news that we (professor, fellow grad student and myself) have received IRB approval for our transformative learning research. Yay! Now the fun can really start.

(Is it sick and wrong that IRB approval is so exciting???)

Oh, and I'm due for a new phone through Verizon's "new every two" thing - suggestions, anyone?

We are none of us alone.

"We are none of us alone. Even as we exhale, it is inhaled by others. The light that shines upon me shines upon my neighbor, as well. In this way, everything is connected to everything else. In this way, I am connected to my friend, even as I am connected to my enemy. In this way, there is no difference between me and my friend. In this way, there is no difference between me and my enemy. We are none of us alone."

From the end of the latest episode of "Life" on NBC. Well, I'm sure it's from elsewhere, but that is where I hear it...

Aye me

That time of the year, huh? You know, when it seems like the world is going to fall apart, and if we can just hang on by the skin of our teeth until the end of the semester, all will be okay. The trick is trying to maintain jobs and personal relationships and other "real-world-stuff," not to mention personal and mental health, in the meantime.

Speaking of "in-the-meantime," here are some pics from an email my Uncle Jim sent out - there's actually a little story with the email, but I am bypassing that and jumping straight for gratification. Enjoy! They certainly put a smile on my face (thanks, Jim)!

I get a gold star! ;0)

This is a response to the comments made on my last posting. It ended up being such a long response, I figured I'd just create a separate posting for it...

Fortunately, if there is one thing I pride myself on when it comes to teaching, it is that I am so not the authoritative dictator lecturing at my class - my syllabus even says that I look forward to all of us teaching, learning, and growing together, myself included. Yes, I can be stubborn, but I am so NOT a "my-way-or-the-highway" type**. And I totally approach teaching from that stance that I have just as much to learn as my students in the long run, but I also have that much more experience under my belt in this particular area to share with them. In fact, just the other day I referred to teaching as "sharing." Remember sharing-time from elementary school, and you'd get all excited 'cause this was your chance to share your "thing" - whatever it was you were passionate about at the time? This approach also makes me feel okay saying to students, "I don't know the answer to that, but I'll look into it and get back to you."

I do have those students that WANT a more authoritative, dictator-type. They want to know the one, correct, end-all-be-all answer, so I really try to help them understand that there is no one "correct" answer in many situations - especially as a teacher! (this course is for future music teachers). My job isn't to tell them how to do their job the "right" way - just to provide them with tools and ideas and feedback and practice so they can make that decision, themselves. I'll make suggestions and tell them "this is the way I usually do it" and why, but I also try to acknowledge other options. And then I put questions on the midterm and final in which they have to actually make decisions and support their position.

Yay me! I just might be culturing some independent thinkers, yet!

Back to the...ehem..."anonymous" "teach till you die program" commentator. I DO like your artist metaphore. I was just talking to adopted-mentor-professor about that - how "it" - being teaching, papers we are submitting for publication, etc. - are never "done." And how we can hold ourselves to such double-standards. I fully expect every person who is "good" at what they do to constantly be evaluating and making changes - brave enough to try new things, even if they risk falling on their faces. It is the person who thinks they have it all down that maybe needs to consider moving on to a new profession. And yet, I expect myself to have it "right" right now??? What kind of teacher would I be if I wasn't preparing to try new things? We don't make progress by travelling in ruts.

And I will never, EVER make everyone happy all the time (that was another topic of conversation in counseling this week - another one of those concepts I understand and accept in that logical part of my brain, but I still struggle with when it comes down to truly believing it in all senses).

It's interesting - a former-classmate of mine defended her dissertation this last week, and gave a practice-run to my reasearch in music ed. class. Her study looked at those skills of novice and experienced instrumental music teachers, and where those skills came from - and the area both groups felt was most important, and yet most lacking in their formal teacher prep. education fell into the category of "personal growth." Boy-oh-boy, doesn't that ring true.

Hm. what a lovely pep-talk I have given myself =0) thank you! to both Kiki and "teach till you die" for inspiring me to spew all this out. =0)

And now back to our regularly-scheduled Sunday programming (HOMEWORK!).

-------------------------------------------------
**seriously, I am even having trouble asserting my opinion authoritatively in a paper I am working on with a prof to submit for publication. One might think after putting in all the blood, sweat, and tears that I have (okay, maybe not blood, but you never know when paper-cuts might strike!), I might feel entitled to assert my opinion. But, man, it's hard putting yourself out there. I am not a "doctor" anyone, yet! (which is why I asked said professor if he would be second-author on the paper - it's cool to be sole-author, but it's also nice to have some credibility and clout...).

ahhhhh!

Why is my life consumed by these thoughts about teaching??? Probably helps that we're talking about teaching in class right now (we're on break - don't worry - I'm not blogging during class). I think my brain is going to explode! Keep going back and forth with being okay with this semester and thinking "boy, wouldn't it be nice to bulldoze and start over?" and "wow, I should not be teaching this course." We have to learn somewhere and somehow, though, right???
And, naturally, because I have been aiming towards teaching ever since I gave up on veterinary medicine, these teaching fears turn into those questions and fears about what it is I am even doing with my life.

Dammit.

I am going to drive myself nuts with this.

More life-applicable words

Every teacher faces that dilemma in which we must set the pacing of our class. Are we moving too fast, too slow, or just right? And how do we decide? Are students really not getting the material, or are they just neglecting to spend sufficient time PRACTICING outside of class? I don't want to lag and drag too slowly for those keeping up, nor do I want to go SO fast that students get frustrated and lose interest. Man, I could blog about this for quite a bit longer, but I've got homework to do - just needed to vent some. Maybe I need to take a page out of Kiki's book and be a little more adamant about the importance of practice...

If I get to teach this course again (I hope, I hope - PLEASE give me another chance!!!), I think I'll do "playing-pop-quizes" instead of scheduled playing tests. Or I could go back to requiring weekly practice journals, which I DID alot myself room for point-wise, and I DID put on the syllabus as an option, and I DID warn the students right at the beginning of the semester that I WOULD resort to this if I didn't think they were practicing sufficiently outside of class...

I dunno. gotta' go for now.

In the meantime, though, check out this link - I think the advice carries beyond the office walls...
Recovering from a Poor Performance Review.

And another thing...

So everyone has bad days, and we all deal with them in different ways. Is it so bad that one of my personal ways to deal is to just have a nice, refreshing cry? Why is it that crying necessarily implies I'm having a total meltdown? 'Cause it doesn't - I am one of those "sensitive" people that cries during movies and T.V. show, and during the radio-a-thon for the Children's Hospital; and I cry when I'm frustrated, and I cry when I think I'm in trouble, and I cry when I worry I might have hurt someone's feelings or let them down; but I also cry when I'm really happy, and I cry when I am thankful, and I cry when I feel loved, and when the world is so beautiful it takes your breath away.

But I have so much trouble explaining this to people - just because I'm crying does NOT mean I think it's the end of the world! I promise!!! And, yes, life goes on - I'm counting on it - hasn't let me down yet! It's just that at this particular moment my emotions are overflowing in the form of tears. I mean, c'mon - I am energetic and "life-happy" - passionate about life-in-general. Crying is just part of that. Nothing is "bad" or "wrong" - it just IS. Even when I am feeling like I am doing poorly teaching - yes, it bothers me, because teaching is a responsibility - an honor - very important to me. But it's NOT a breakdown, or a meltdown, or whatever. It is a moment, which passes. I see nothing wrong with crying if that is just what I need in certain situations. Now, if it's a 24/7 thing, that's not usually a good thing, but I am SO not there, and I've always been prone to crying--just ask my parents ;0)

Granted, part of this is to justify my behavior to myself, 'cause sometimes it just drives me nuts, but who am I to be judging myself? I am who I am, and I just told one of my students, "Never apologize for being yourself (with some exceptions)," so I can't go being hypocritical, now can I?

Hm. I've got more soapboxing to do, but we'll let that pass, for now - back to cognitive psych. and music therapy in the middle ages (woohoo!).

words from Dostoevsky

The Brothers Karamazov
Book IV: The Russian Monk
Chapter 2:

(c) Recollections of Father Zossima's Youth before he became a monk. The Duel
"...I remembered my brother Markel and what he said on his death-bed to his servants: 'My dear ones, why do you wait on me, why do you love me, am I worth your waiting on me?' ... He had said, 'Mother, my little heart, in truth we are each responsible to all for all, it's only that men don't know this. If they knew it, the world would be paradise at once.'" (155)

" 'Look around at you at the gifts of God, the clear sky, the pure air, the tender grass, the birds; nature is beautiful and sinless, and we, only we, are sinful and foolish, and we don't understand that life is heaven for we have only to understand that and it will at once be fulfilled in all its beauty, we shall embrace each other and weep.' I would have said more but I could not; my voice broke with the sweetness and youthful gladness of it, and there was such bliss in my heart as I had never known before in my life." (156)


(d) The Mysterious Visitor
" 'Believe me, this dream, as you call it, will come to pass without doubt; it will come, but not now, for every process has its law. It's a spiritual, psychological process. To transform the world, to recreate it afresh, men must turn into another path psychologically. Until you have become really, in actual fact, a brother to everyone, brotherhood will not come to pass. No sort of scientific teaching, no kind of common interest, will ever teach men to share property and privileges with equal consideration for all. Everyone will think his share too small and they will be always envying, complaining and attacking one another. You ask when it will come to pass; it will come to pass . . . this terrible individualism must inevitably have an end, and all will suddenly understand how unnaturally they are separated from one another. It will be the spirit of the time, and people will marvel that they have sat so long in darkness without seeing the light. And then the sign of the Son of Man will be seen in the heavens...But, until then, we must keep the banner flying. Sometimes even if he has to do it alone, and his conduct seems to be crazy, a man must set an example, and so draw men's souls out of their solitude, and spur them to some act of brotherly love, that the great idea may not die.' " (158-59)

~Dostoevsky, 1880 (1952)

What's the deal?

Are graduate students masochistic, or crazy, or just plain stupid? Seriously - I'm really starting to wonder...and I know it's not just me. We are a special breed.
Screw designing a study for pre-service teachers. I think I'll design one focusing on graduate students and what in the hell they are thinking.

That's all for now. Back to work.

p.s.

Funny how quickly emotion can trump reason, isn't it?

Thank Heaven...I Guess

Thank you, Heidi!

Marryourdaughter.com isn't real.
http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/09/11/please-dont-marry-our-daughters/?hp

It's funny, b/c my first thought was, "No. Can't be real. No." and then I looked into it, and the thought crossed my mind, "ya' know - this could actually make a relatively interesting study - maybe that's all this is - please let it be...where's the hidden camera?" And I couldn't help but laugh reading the "testimonials" section - but in a "I'm laughing but feeling sick all at the same time" sort-of-way, as was the reaction of MANY, it seems. In short, it could be a fake, but it might not be...

I am glad to hear marryourdaughter.com is a farce, and my kudos to the creator, John Ordover (who played the role of afore mentioned publicity director). He claimed the site to be a parody aimed at drawing attention to inconsistencies in state marriage laws - well, it worked - I read through them, and I looked up the bible passages sited - it really IS "okay" as per the "Good Book" to "sell" your daughter to a man that wants her, a man that rapes her, and various situations. I even discussed such issues with a professor of mine with special interest in the legal system. So, as Heidi commented, it's really not that far-fetched, and I think that's the bigger issue. HE (the professor) has two friends who were paired through arranged marriage. There are still those individuals who feel this is the way to go - they live it, breath it, raise their children under it...

Thank you, again, Heidi. But I still encourage everyone to check this all out - definitely food for thought. Sometimes "tradition" is a funny, but powerful, thing.

Do with this what you will...

So, this morning I heard an interview with Roger Mandervan, publicity director of the following website:

http://marryourdaughter.org/

If you want the actual interview, visit the following page (it's second from the last...)

http://alice1059.com/pages/933227.php

Personally, I don't even know what to think about this. In most states, minors cannot get piercings or tattoos even WITH parental consent.

Marriage, though - well, that's just fine!

Yeah. FYI, here's a rundown on marriage laws by state http://www.law.cornell.edu/topics/Table_Marriage.htm.

And yes, it is still legal to get married at 13 (for females) and 14 (for males) in NH (and yes, one of the girls on the site is just 13).

Rest in Peace, Madeleine L'Engle

Age: 88
Occupation: Author (and wife and mother)

L'Engle's "A Wrinkle in Time" series was a staple in our house growing up. Lord of the Rings, The Dark is Rising, and A Wrinkle in Time - there may have been more "classics," but these are the ones I remember best - the ones all of us read - the ones we kept under our pillows along with a flashlight...
Hmm - makes one rather nostalgic.

In other news, Rest in Peace, Luciano Pavarotti.

Silly Humans...

I think the speed of my speech directly correlates to the speed of my thoughts. Racing brain = practically unintelligable speaking...except only to some people. Others follow along just fine...hm. I'll leave that alone for now... ;0)

What do Determinists think about the "aha" phenomenon? How does that cause-effect, antecedent-consequent relationship work? Does that fall under Freud and the notion of an unconscious?

OOOH - put all that on hold - THIS JUST IN!!!

Tots aren't smarter than apes, just more social:
Researchers hunt for which learning abilities are distinctly human

Hehehe - Simple Math: Apes = 1, Tots = 0. Social Learning Skills: Apes = 0, Tots = 1. It's a tie!

The way in which such studies are interpreted/reported is funny - sometimes scary, actually, but funny in this case. Allow me to share one of my favorite snippets:

"Human children are not overall more intelligent than other primates, but instead have specialized skills of social cognition," concluded the lead researcher, Esther Herrmann of Germany's Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology. "They learn in a way that chimpanzees don't learn."
But the findings, published in Friday's edition of the journal Science, conflict with other research that suggests the great apes, humans' closest relatives, are quite good at social learning, too.
In fact, a second study in the same journal suggests chimps and monkeys have some capacity to infer someone's intentions by their actions. That is pretty complex, human-like thinking."

Where to start...

So, this is a rather shocking study (dripping with sarcasm, btw). Maybe we didn't originally believe apes are smarter than our small children - didn't want to believe it - STILL don't want to believe it (enter first study) - Planet of the Apes, anyone? But - *gasp* - amazingly, the apes and chimps and monkeys in the second study are exhibiting "pretty complex, human-like thinking." WOW. What does this all mean???

Seriously, should it really be so surprising that primates are capable of social learning? Did we bother reading any Goodall prior to reporting this?

And, yes, tots still performed "better" at the social-learning tasks in the first study, but human children immitated human adults, whereas the primates were asked to immitate a human, as well, not a member of the same species...

Also, I love that these apes MUST be taking after humans - not like "complex" thinking may have already exhisted in the animal world, or anything. Not like humans are animals...heavens, no! It's the animals that are living in the human world exhibiting human-like characteristics.

My-oh-my.

Don't get me wrong, though - the studies themselves sound relatively thorough, well-designed and very interesting, and the researchers totally took the above into consideration. Well, I may have a few reservations regarding the first-mentioned study, but that's more due to personal bias. But that aside, the researchers thought things through carefully. It's just the way in which the research is being reported that cracks me up.

Alright, back to the world of actual research papers. Give it a read, though - like I said, the researchers do sound like they've got all their ducks in a row - it's just the first half or so of the article that is a hoot. Enjoy!

Awww - puppy!

May as well toss in another link for the day - this pic is from Cute Overload (thanks John!)


Awwww - I totally feel for you, puppy.

On a side note, but partially responsible for my seeking cute puppy, let's talk about balance. One of my favorite professors said something about balance in class on Tuesday - basically that it's a joke, but also frustrating, that anyone should assume grad students have any measure of balance in their lives. Basically, as he put it (or close to), you are "rewarded" for doing more work, putting in long hours, etc. and NOT for actually looking out for yourself.

And it doesn't get any better once you become a professor - or go on to do anything in your life, I imagine. Granted, he doesn't necessarily agree with this, and is always more concerned for the well-being of his students (contributing to "one of the favorites" status - plus, he is just a rockin' teacher!), but that's just the way it goes.

Amen.

I almost would have expected this to unsettle me. But it didn't. I am totally okay with my life being unbalanced - the problem lies in prioritizing. Because it's not a matter of just being out of balance - it's an issue of how it is going to be out of balance. And how do I prioritize people and events and commitments? Prioritizing mail and homework and such is one thing, but what about the people and beings and "things" going on in my life? I try to assign them equal importance - feel they all "should be" of equal importance - feel guilty if I don't approach them all with equal importance. But that's just damn near impossible to achieve. And where do I draw the line and actually stand up for what I need? And HOW do I do that?

Hm. Food for thought.

To my Advisor:

Oh, my fabulous advisor. Although you are on sabbatical this semester, I think you would be pleased to know that you continue to impact my education and cognitive processes even in your absence.

For example, as I was sitting in my Stats Methods I course today, I could not help but chuckle to myself as the professor used "Gender" as an example of a nominal scale. First, there is the obvious issue of "Gender" versus "Sex." Second, said professor made some offhand comment about that being a "good example" because of it's simplicity - "there are only two choices!" he says, as the majority of the class nods along in agreement.

Ahhh. It took me back to discussions and your examples from Measurements courses last year. Gender versus Sex. Sticky, sticky, sticky. And as for there being but two, clear-cut genders. Well...about that...my, did you enlighten me. If only this professor knew the Pandora's Box he almost opened. But I kept my mouth shut and was content to chuckle alone. We were not, afterall, discussing instrument design, nor the construction of "good" items...he was not looking for a good discussion - merely searching for an example of a nominal scale.

Hehehe.

By the way, did you hear the one about the statistician? He was laying with his head in the refrigerator and his feet in the oven. When asked how he was feeling, he responded, "On the average, I feel fine."

heeheehee - too bad I can't take credit for that one - it's out of our course textbook. But it's still funny! :0)

p.s.

Check out the way hot Statz Rappers (thanks, Crystal!)

And while we're at it, check out the Pachelbel Rant

Scientific evidence: pink is for girls, blue is for boys!

So, in case none of you regularly follow my link to Heidi's blog site, you have gotta' go check out her 8.22 post on a report she found claiming "Women really do prefer pink, researchers say."

Heidi has found quite an impressive gem in this research report. I am sure you will all appreciate it to its fullest! Go now - visit Heidi's blog site and follow the link to the study (oh, alright, I'll give it to you, too: Scientific evidence for gender-based color preferences).

Good find, Heidi, good find. And good luck sorting out the questions this scientific evidence has raised regarding your childrens' gender identities...

:D

Taking things literally is fun!

Heehee. So I just visited The Onion frontpage (thanks, John!), and noticed this:

"World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100"

Damn! One-Hundred YEARS?!?! But wait... he just turned 100, and yet, he also has 100 years of saving lives under his belt... hmmmm...

So, how old is he really? Or has he, in fact, been "saving lives" since the day he was born?

hehehe. Like I said, taking things literally is fun! ;0)

Save the kittens!

Guns don't kill people. People kill people. And every time you use a double negative, God kills a kitten.

Say what, now?!?

Well, I love...er...expanding my knowledge by reading those stories on MSN that I deem worthy of my time (oh, alright, fine! I was procrastinating - but reading informative articles makes me feel a little better about it than just cracking open Harry Potter...). Anyways, so I see a link to a story titled, "Are students in the digital age getting dumber?" I guessed it had something to do with technology's role in education, which it did - it is a pretty hot topic - has been for centuries.

But I digress.

The article, "Teaching with Tech: Does it Work?" basically focuses on potential negative impacts of technology on the learning process. (Loosely) citing research studies and quoting teachers, professors and authors in the field, the author does try to present some positive support for technology in education, but weakly. More prominent are statements such as, "[Technology] causes a stunting of imagination. A narrowing of mental capacity" (Oppenheimer) and "the language skills of younger students are suffering because of constant use of text messaging and instant messaging" (the latter under the section heading, "OMG! My Paper RoX!").

Even when there IS positive support, it is hidden among poor grammar - thus my warning about double negatives! It is a serious problem, people!! I mean, seriously, when you are trying to support something and trying to sound halfway intelligent about it, particularly being a teacher 'n all, would you choose to phrase an argument, "Kids are drawn to technology and it’s not wise to not incorporate that into how they are taught,” or, hit number two, "I would never not allow a student to use any resource because it made their life easier."

So relatively weak arguments become even weaker because the reader has to stop and figure out exactly what it is you are trying to say. I am still scratching my head.

The point, though, that I really intended to argue is that it's about moderation, people! It's really not about the technology, at all, is it? It's about how you USE it! Define the boundaries - the appropriate use of technology versus the inappropriate use of technology. But, heavens, don't ignore it! It can be a useful tool!

Furthermore, define "dumber" for me. How about it being a different kind of intelligence? In that spirit, work with it, not against it. Again, technology in education does not magically make everything better and everyone smarter, but I hardly think it's fair to say technology is making students dumber. And it certainly isn't going anywhere. I may not go so far as to agree with the teacher who says, "I don’t think it’s a bad thing for students to be dependent on technology" (being overly dependent on anything raises red flags, personally), but she does seem to be on the right track incorporating it, using it to boost motivation and interest, teaching students how to use it in the "real world," even catering to different learning styles (I, for one, rather benefit from taking notes on my laptop).

Again, people - it's not what you've got - it's how you use it. And that goes for technology as well as the English language...

Picture Worth 1,000 Words

(courtesy of Dr. Seuss's Cat in the Hat)

Sorting Skittles

So instead of working on one of the many things I could (& should?) possibly be working on right now, I'm blogging. Hehehe. God bless the blog. Though, you know what I just realized? Originally I had intended to use the blog to post rather regular updates on my life-in-general, but it seems that, as of late, there are the occasional posts on societal curiosities (like soaring through the air in a lawnchair attached to helium balloons), and lots of those posts where I find myself just trying to sort through....things. Sorting through life-in-general, rather than just posting about life in general. It makes sense, though. When things make sense and fall neatly into a line, I am far, far better at focusing and going on my merry way - most of us are. It's when things become a jumbled up mish-mash that some of us take a little extra time and energy laying everything out there - not even to become any less confused or make more sense of things - just in order to feel a little less overwhelmed and then go on about our merry way. My couselor and I talked about that just recently - it's like the Piagetan conservation task with clay - even though you have the exact same amount of stuff, in one instance it's a big, fat lump, whereas in the other, it's nice and streamlined. Or sorting out your Skittles or Jellybeans or M&Ms from one large mass into nice, neat rows by color.** Or maybe not - but the image works for me. No less "stuff" on your mind or in your life, but now it's all laid out.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like for other people. I know there are those of you who are like me - you are thinkers, and have been blessed/cursed with the same high level of curiosity and desire to understand. Understand how, understand why - just understand (on a side-note, but related to that, fortunately I have also come to understand that there are few black-and-white answers out there - if any at all - and I am comfortable with that, for the most part). And our brains just don't ever flippin' turn off - they aren't necessarily going a mile-a-minute, 'cause we can achieve a state of tranquility - a smooth, glassy body of water - but still active. Eesh - all I have to say is God bless horses and meditation (or whatever healthy hobby it is that does it for you)!!! At least then all that activity is funneled and directed towards a common cause, rather than fractured into a thousand little pieces. It is quiet - there are no ripples in the water.

But what about those people who aren't like this. Or even for people who are like this, but deal with it in different ways? I mean, really, the possibilities are as numerous as there are people in the world, aren't they? What and how are others experiencing life?

**Footnote**

Why yes, I DO tend to sort out my candy - I CAN eat them without sorting, one-at-a-time, bu especially M&Ms & Skittles I still prefer to eat in a fashion similar to "Ethel" as described by Brian at http://candyaddict.com/blog/2006/05/17/candy-ocd/.

Whoa, Nelly!

Aye, me, where did the summer go? And how do I get it back???

I cannot believe that tomorrow is the last day of July, already! Less than one month 'til classes start, and so much to do! Still have tons of work on my lit review to do. Research proposals to start formulating. Check in with Kiki to see if she needs anymore help with data entry. Classes to plan for! (yup - I didn't think I was gonna' be teaching, either, until just Sunday - now I'm teaching two sections of Mus330 in the fall, and Mus331 in the Spring. True, I did teach 330 the year before last, but only one section, and with lots of help from and colaboration with Suzie, and didn't have to worry about 331 following up in the Spring. And there are plenty of things I want to do differently, this time. Plenty to be excited about, but plenty of preparation to do, too...kind of getting a headache just thinking about it...but that'll pass once I just do it).

Still need to get my computer sent in to get fixed. Still need to schedule an appointment with the vet for Tommy. Still need to do work work. Still need to get back to riding more ponies now that my knee is better. Still need to figure out exactly what my fall schedule will be!!! (and then shop for supplies and books, accordingly ... assuming I can afford to...).

Eesh. Yup - it all boils down to "so much to do!" (ya' should see the list I have made!!!)

My personal greatest challenge = balancing the things I (feel I) need to do for others and the things I need to do for myself. Part of the problem is that I've brushed quite a bit of my own "stuff" to the side and now it's bitin' me in the arse. And still i feel kind of guilty for not doing more to help others out. Hehehe. I'm silly.

My personal greatest fear (at the moment) = FORGETTING SOMETHING!!! I'm falling back into my habit of having To Do lists everywhere, and constantly feeling the need to write things down before I forget. But it's kind of good that those tendencies are surfacing again now, 'cause that way I can deal with them now instead of trying to do so once classes are already underway.

And even though part of me feels waaaaaay guilty for going to Iowa for an entire week (!!!), part of me says it will be really, really good for me, too. As long as I get my "stuff" together before we leave on Friday, then I could have a very good, productive week. Plus, I'm sure I'll be having so much fun, I won't hardly think about the things I "should" be doing - which is perfect, because "shoulds" and "could haves" and all those terms are just judgemental and are what keep us tied up in the past or the future instead of just living in the now. And I am working at living in the now. Awww - just another reason why YOU are so good for me...and "you" know who you are... ;0)

Alright, I think I got that mini panic attack off my chest (I'd just been updating my To Do list, in case you couldn't tell). Back to work, for now.

Ohmygoodness!!! I just realized that I still haven't even started Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, yet! Here I saved Di's birthday present this long (thanks, Di!), and I'm not even reading it yet. What kind of fan have I become =0(

Happy July --> August transition, everyone!!!

"Thin" versus "Healthy"

Total change of topic time.

So, in addition to watching A.N.T.M. online, I have started watching "Shaq's Big Challenge" on ABC's website while I'm blogging or working or what have you (http://dynamic.abc.go.com/streaming/landing).

Shaq and some of his friends/colleagues decided to bring some attention to childhood obesity by making a reality t.v. show following six kids/pre-teens as they try to lose weight and get healthier. Shaq brings in an old coach, some personal trainers, nutritionists, and even celebrity chef Tyler Florence to totally revamp not only eating and exercise habits, but even their attitudes. They make sure parents are on board and involved, as well, supportive all the way.

And they don't stop there. The "team" goes to the school district, meeting with teachers, principals, even the superintendent to bring these ideas into the schools and reach a greater number of students. A new lunch menu, an 18 week curriculum rotation focusing on (healthy) meal preparation, nutrition and exercise - even an impromptu after-school group, which started when one of the original 6 participants asked to bring a friend. One friend turned into 10, 20, 35 + students interested in joining in.


Though I'm sure this show doesn't show half of what went on behind the scenes, and it definitely gets hokey and even downright impractical, I still rather enjoy the premise of the show. What is wrong with encouraging healthy attitudes and lifestyles, and encouraging support systems of friends and family members?

However, there is some controversy out there. Namely, some individuals argue the show communicates unrealistic and unhealthy ideals, putting these kids on diets and exercise regimens, and focusing on the goal of becoming thin. For example, try http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/arizonaliving/articles/0725monique0725.html.

Hm. And herein lies what I find to be a rather common problem. There is a HUGE difference between being "thin" and being healthy. True, Shaq's Big Challenge does focus on weight loss. But for Pete's sake, these kids are 11 to 14 and weigh between 182 and 285 pounds! And it's not just the weight - they all fall in the "morbidly obese" category as far as bmi and body fat % and can't tolerate strenuous exercise for more than 5 to 10 minutes at a time. And talk about junk-food-junkies! Not to mention their sense of self-worth was bottoming out. No, I think these people criticizing the idea missed the part where the focus is on being HEALTHY. I mean, maybe they know something I don't. But, again, I see no problem with encouraging healthy lifestyles. Especially in kids. Especially when it makes them happy!

People, people. It is not about WEIGHT - it is about attitude and eating and exercise habits. It is about respecting yourself enough to take care of yourself. Skinny doesn't equal healthy any more than morbidly obese does. If someone is going to encourage healthy living and awareness, I am all for it. Like I said, maybe it's more complicated than that, but I dunno'.

And I definitely support the family ideal - healthy living should be a family effort. Include friends, too! This totally increases the likelihood for success. And it is waaaay more fun! But most importantly, acknowledge the difference between body weight and body shape/condition, and encourage healthy living.

'K - I'll step off the soapbox, now, but sometimes it just drives me nuts when people so blatantly misrepresent things, and act like things are synonymous when they are NOT.

Meditation Fragments on Life in General

You know what someone needs to invent? Something that can record all of your many simultaneous trains of thought. I almost always have paper and a writing utensil handy, and I've thought of at least having one of those tape recorder things so whenever I just have too many ideas to form coherent thoughts I can at least purge in some way, and then go back and separate ideas out later. But I'll concentrating on getting at least one idea out, while my brain continues addressing two, three, or more ideas, and by the time I get one idea out verbally or written down, those other thoughts have passed. Or I can't hardly even finish one train of thought because the others are there trying to push their way in. SO frustrating, sometimes!

Heehee - just for an example, take one of the pages of notes I have to myself - just random thoughts and ideas and blog-worthy topics. They're funny. There are arrows everywhere. For example, take the topic sentence fragment "what we perceive vs. what is 'real.'" Naturally, this branches to Metaphysics & Reality vs. reality. Arrow to James & Truth vs. truth, arrow to another two ideas, one of which branches to Religion, which, of course, has three of its own arrows, one of which circles back to one of the original topics on the page (Frankl and his book Man's Search for Meaning). And there are plenty more ideas and arrows on the page - some verticle, some horizontal, some diagonal...it's almost a work of art. "Flow-of-thought" technique to the extreme.

As for those "lost" ideas. Well, I just tell myself the same old thing, "if it was that important it will be back..." But don't you still wonder, sometimes? I know I do.

Yup. I'm a fan of a device that can record multiple trains of thought simultaneously for us.


So, that said, there are a thousand different directions I could go as far as blogging. Just can't seem to find the "off" switch for my brain... Aw well - life is never boring that way, is it, now?
I could write about Frankl or James or Wertheimer, or Darwin. I could write about mindfulness and meditation and other ayuervedic techniques. I could ruminate more on definitions (which ties back to Frankle, James, etc.). What IS "creativity?" "Happiness?" "Perfection?" And all the many definitions of the Self...

Speaking of which, I could actually blog about myself, some more - try to sort some things out. Almost feel like it's a lost cause, sometimes. Well, not so much a lost 'cause as a "never-ending" cause. I feel like my horse. Everytime you think you've made some progress, you discover a new layer. But you'll have that with life and all the happenings and unforseen circumstances (and even forseen circumstances!). All the situations and experiences, and, though there may be similarities, no two can ever be exactly the same. But the best part is, whatever life may send us, at least we always have ourselves. We might change between experiences, we might stay the same (or as "same" as we can stay) - ultimately, that is what we can control - our actions and reactions and thoughts. I know my mom has been saying this for ages - even to her second graders. And to quote Frankl in Man's Search for Meaning, "everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way" (66). (ooooh, what a perfect segue into the free will vs. determinism discussion...)

The question, then, becomes: to what extent do we allow ourselves to be influenced by the externals? You know - specific individuals in our lives, societal values and "norms," certain circumstances and events, etc.

Well, that all depends, doesn't it? (heeheehee - my new favorite answer to everything since starting grad school. IT DEPENDS. Works for pretty much everything!)

You know what else has been great about grad school for me? Well, lots of things - but in addition to the "it depends" answer, I have gotten so much more comfortable saying "I don't know." There have been so many new ideas, many of which can make you squirm, not because they are morally disturbing or anything. No - uncomfortable in that they are ideas that can rock your world - challenge the way way you understand things - toss you back into the gray area just when you thought you had answers. Which might be why I enjoy the "it depends" answer so much. It allows me to bask in the gray areas but still have at least one answer. But I don't mind saying "I don't know." I have also gotten much better at saying, "I may be wrong," "I was wrong," and similar sentiments. Granted, I'm sure this has also all been helped by extra-curriculars such as counseling and meditation and conversations about mindfulness and philosophy and whatnot. In fact, one of the best, most useful pieces of advice my counselor offered: "you are not responsible for the actions and reactions of others."

Isn't life funny? The timing of things, the way things work out, the way things connect...

I have also decided, therefore, it is good to maintain goals and direction in life, but I'm not sure to what extent is important to have a plan, per se. Perhaps a flexible plan, but, really, the set in stone, "heaven-forbid-I-stray-from-my-path-or-I-might-die" approach to life just seems to cause so much more stress. And I should know. I still remember calling my dad during my freshmen year of college on the verge of a panic attack because I was thinking of changing majors. Heehee - seems rather silly, now. What was it I said to Luke just last night? "How can I change my life when it hasn't happened yet?" Something along those lines...

That's another thing I am gaining from studying mindfulness - living in the now, rather than the past and future. It is interesting how the general tendency is to try and shape our futures by focusing on the past and future, when it is the now that ultimately leads to that future. It's like trying to drive somewhere by either staring out the back window or predicting which street signs will be up ahead. And goodness knows I need more practice with this concept - I'm really good at getting weighted down by all my thoughts and concerns and all these abstract things when I could be out there living, including thoughts of the past and the future. But, again, our future is dictated by what we do now, so why not focus on the now, and the future will happen.

Again, I am reminded of something else Frankl says in the introduction to his book. "Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect... Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen..." Later in the book, he makes the same case but in other circumstances, with different examples. But, again, the main message remains the same - if we make a target of something, we are more likely to "fail." Again, though, I don't see this as saying, "don't have goals." Nay, Goals are still important, but it is more the idea that we are in control of our goals, and we may have flexible goals, but should we really have those concrete targets that end up dictating the way we live our lives? And if we decide we should like a new target, or that we should like to change our target? Well, that often feels like failing (*gasp* the F word!). It is more about the mindset and attitude with which we approach life.

I'm not sure that I can explain things any better than that for now. But that's okay, 'cause it is time for me to be an active participant in life and go feed the ponies =0)

Things to do when you're bored...

So, on your next day off, if you are feeling particularly bored, maybe you should give this a shot - all you need is a lawn chair, a handful of balloons, and some helium. Tell me you've never imagined doing something like this as a child (or even as an adult). Though I can say, when it comes down to the reality of it all, I don't know that I'd necessarily feel the most comfortable doing it in a lawn chair. But, that's just me...

Man floats 193 miles using chair, balloons: Oregon resident fulfills childhood dream with 105 helium balloons

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19694083/?gt1=10150

You know you're twitterpated when...

You let someone call you Carebear and you don't punch him. In fact, you think it's kind of cute and endearing...

Interesting...

So here's a link to a brief article from Psychology Today which I found rather interesting. It's about Adult ADHD (which does manifest similarly-but-differently than childhood & adolescent ADHD). Yup...can't help but think of lots of people I know in grad school (myself included!)...

http://health.msn.com/centers/adhd/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100161794>1=10193

And I've got more if anyone is interested! =0)

Wait - what were we talking about???

I tried to think of a clever title...but it didn't work

I was trying to think of something clever to title this post - at least something with two rhyming words - or even some alliteration. But I fail. =0(

What this non-existent clever title was going to sum up was the fact that this particular blog is quite similar to my previous "humph" posting from April, and yet not at all the same.

Once again, I find myself disagreeing with the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" cliche. However, previously, it was due to a situation that left me feeling annoyed and lacking and undesired/unimportant. This time, it is because I just can't get enough of a certain individual. And this certain individual is causing all these feelings and internal dialogues and even conflict that I have never previously dealt with. This is all very, very good for me - it is, afterall, such dissonance that leads to change.

In fact, this individual makes me want to go back and just delete all the nice things I blogged about Bart, 'cause, let's be honest, he doesn't even measure up, anymore. But I decided not to, 'cause Bart really is a good person and really was good for me and what I needed at the time, and really did help build up my confidence as an individual and as a contributing member of a relationship - and what I just said about not measuring up was pretty harsh of me, but that is really how I feel, too.

Anyways, yes. Wow. Who knew what I was missing? I had that unnerving feeling that I was missing something (partially responsible for my request of Jael to teach me how to listen to my intuition), but who even knew. Now that I am getting a glimpse of the unknown - getting to experience it, firsthand - I don't know what to do with myself. Don't know how to react, don't know what to think of the situation. And goodness knows, I don't like not knowing. My guts are saying, "Abort! Abort!" (or at least slam on the brakes), and my self wants to just cruise right along, and then my head feels like it's trying to ref a pong tournament while doing cartwheels and totally overanalyzing everything (as usual).

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am the type of person who plays the Sims set almost exclusively to the fastest speed. Wouldn't that be a fun research project? Analyze personalities based on how people play the Sims?

Mmmm...and then I go back to trying to be content with the here and the now and let the chips fall where they may. In fact, just having spewed, I feel much better, thank you!

Except for the part where I still miss this individual immensely much.

Ooooh - I thought of a title. Nothing clever or witty or anything, but appropriate. I should call this "Exercises in Patience." And we all know how patient a person I am...(ha!). This is all so complimentary to my mindfulness exercises, though. Amazing!

And in other news-to-be-deliriously-happy-about: Tommy is my pony. My parents are the best parents in the world (yeah, you can try to argue that point, but I'll win!), and my horse is really my horse. I didn't even argue with them - I was tempted to - but they do the things they do because they love me and because they want to. So what kind of person would I be if I gave them a hard time?

Thank you, Mom and Dad. I love you!

Coming soon - a blog that is far less mushy - promise! I have some fun summer reading to report on...

Cosmopolitan - adj. so sophisticated as to be at home in all parts of the world or conversant with many spheres of interest

Fun Fact #3: I admit it. I'm a Cosmo girl. No, silly - not the drink - I still like my wine and dark beer and microbrews. Ooh, and Pearl Pomegranate Vodka (p.s. - Luke, the fruit pictured below is a Pomegranate. You tear the fruit open and eat the red seeds. There's lots of cool mythology tied to this fruit, too).

Anyways, no, I'm a Cosmo girl in that I actually subscribe to Cosmo - costs me a whole $1.00 per issue, so, even though I don't need to be spending money on magazines, I indulged in this guilty pleasure. And boy-oh-boy does it look funny mixed in with all my horse magazines and school books (really, the latest issue of Cosmo next to titles like Applying the Rasch Model and James's The Varieties of Religious Experiences...diversity is FUN!). Though, that considered, does that mean I fit the "conversant with many spheres of interest" element of the definition? I really am cosmopolitan. =0)

Fun Facts are...well...Fun!

Fun Fact #2: I love shoes. Not all shoes, and rarely do I buy shoes on impulse, but I still like to gawk as I pass by shoe-store-windows. Ya' know what else? I didn't think I liked wedge shoes at all, but I'm finding I have changed that opinion. Wedge shoes with fake wooden heels are no less tacky, and the jury is still out on fabric-covered, but the ones with cork or hemp are awesome summer attire, especially paired with fitted capris or shorts.

Also, considering Heidi's blog covering James's fashion sense, as well as recent shopping endeavors, I have realized exactly how much more choice females have when it comes to clothing. This is not necessarily a good thing in all cases - more time spent shopping and trying things on, more fashion ideals to worry about - like having the right shoes to go with each outfit (if you worry about such things at all). Often more expensive... But, at the same time, females have much for freedom when it comes to what is socially acceptable. We can wear pants, jeans, shorts, a skirt, a dress, tanks, tees, jumpers, and any number of other things. Males are so much more limited.

Like I said, can be good, can be bad. Just a thought.

Okie dokie, artichokie - back to work (yay! I'm employed!)

TB & ANTM r gr8

Apparently I need to post something more upbeat - ya' know, more representative of the typical me...my smartass, dirty-minded self ;0) Luke says so, and we all know that Luke gets what Luke wants, or he'll whine like a little girl =09 Wait, that was kind of mean and inappropriate - I shouldn't stereotype (and insult) girls like that...

By the by - I would like to thank my wonderful parents for the person I am today - I love you!

Look how smart Lonnie's puppy, Riata, is! She typed this all by herself - capital "A" and all!

A,/

Anyway, do you know how hard it is to write on something upbeat when you're under pressure? Well, do ya'? Punk? (and by "punk" I mean Luke). Do you know what else is challenging? Trying to figure out exactly what other people think of you. Not even in the "oh God, what does so-and-so think about me! Maybe I need to change!" No, more of the bemused, "huh, isn't that interesting." I just say this 'cause I'm curious what impression Luke be getting of me. Probably about as good as the impression I'm getting of him...like I said, Nice Guy my ass ;0)
Okay, what else is lighthearted? Um. Yup. I'm pretty well convinced I have the mental maturity of an 18-year-old. Mind in the gutter. Need I say more?
Dammit - and I need a summer job. And I feel like I have ADD - just 'cause I get so easily distracted by things! lEven one of my professors made fun of me about that. And it's quite challenging to follow direct lines of thought for too long. That's part of what I love about me, though! Keeps things interesting, and provides so many opportunities to laugh...at myself...with myself - it's all the same =D.

Oooh, I know what is upbeat - or at least fun. Sharing fun facts and secrets that might surprise people about yourself. And THAT makes me think of Aunt Lori's funny story about prank calling people with the Baby Secret Doll that she had. lol. =0)

Anywhose, Karen Fun Fact #1: Not only do I love Tyra Banks, and not only do I love America's Next Top Model, but I would totally love to BE on ANTM. I think it'd be fun, and I could totally rock it!

Your turn!

Yay for being SO Cliche

So, I'm sitting here, swigging down a fine, darker ale and enjoying some variety of triple-chocolate fro-yo, replying to blogs, doing some blogging of my own, and watching The Sweetest Thing. I am so Cameron Diaz's character. And I feel SO cliche! Yay! Hey, and apparently, I'm a poet, didn't know it! ;0)

There is SO much I want to blog on. I love writing. I hope I get that job I applied for that is working from home approx. 32 hours/week writing web content. That'd be fun...
But I digress. I don't even know what to say. Jael, I love you, and I love that you understand being a walking contradiction. Thank you for always being there (including to drive my car home)!

And, on the off-chance that you read this, Bart, thank you, too. I still haven't decided if I like this aspect of a "real" relationship. Like I said to Jael, I have managed to live 25 years without ever feeling this way - well, maybe close once, but it was different. Similar feelings, but waaay different situation. And I don't know that I like this. But, like Jael said, it's good to be feeling these things - part of life. I experience such extremes, though, and often at the same time. It just makes things rather confusing and uncomfortable. What would life be without such experiences? Bland, I imagine.

Still...sometimes I hate feeling. And I'm scared of feeling so intensely, and I'm scared that I might believe you, Bart. Or maybe I just want to believe you, but, at the same time, can't bring myself to believe you. And, pardon my language, but what makes you so Goddamn special that I even care!?! I am the queen of staying detached, and now I feel like I have tumbled head-over-heels, and am in over my head. And I am so torn over wanting to just walk away (as is habit), and wanting to stick around to see what happens.

I'm still slightly annoyed with you, and slightly pissed at you. C'mon, you have to admit you kind of handled things in a pussy-ass sort of way. Were you hoping I would bring it up first? Sorry - I knew it was coming, but wanted to hear you say it.

However, at the same time, I am still so appreciative of your sincerity and honesty. I still care about you, and I still feel like you have that ability to read me like a book. And I believe that you care. Even though we can't see what the future may hold, I am still so thankful for all you have given me.

And I know where you live ;0)

Aye - so many conflicting emotions. Perhaps I'll just go back to my beer-and-icecream combo, get some sleep, and give myself some time to process all that just happened. Doesn't even seem real...

In the meantime, I love you SO much Jael. thank you. And thank you, too, Bart. Enjoy your summer.

Wednesday hump day

Let's just call a spade a spade and acknowledge the fact that I am in a very "blech" sort of place, right now. Not really a bad mood, not really depressed, not really in a funk (though that's probably the closest). I probably just need to go to bed, and it's not even anything serious - just lots of little stuff. Like I said to my little bro, I'm sure the fact that my remembering to take my "happy drugs" has been spotty, and that I haven't gotten to see my counselor in, like, two weeks isn't helping. Nor the fact that I'm sick again. Nor the fact that it's just "that" week, this week (aren't you glad to know that? But that's okay - the way I see it, this is like my online journal - if you want to read it, well, that's your decision).

Yup, I think it's a bunch of little things. I got a B in a class. What!?! Well, that makes sense, doesn't it? - I told the professor that was the grade I felt I deserved - a B. What was I thinking? Who ever answers that question so frickin honestly? I HATE that question! There goes my GPA. But, more importantly, why do I care so much? Someone is coming to look at Tommy on Saturday, and his canter on his right lead is broken. It was fixed, I put him up for sale, and it's broken? I need a job, but I'm kinda' picky about jobs. And I went on this interview today - the second round, actuall - the "callback - and ohmygod was it a long day! And I decided, after the entire day spent shadowing one of the current employees, that I don't want to work there, it just feels like a day completely wasted. But, the upside is that I won't end up working there and deciding, say, a few weeks down the line that I'm perfectly miserable working there. but I need a job - I am SO broke!
I have no idea what I'm doing with myself over the summer, but need to figure it out. There's that "need" word, again. What does that even mean?
I feel like the worst daughter/granddaughter/niece for doing such a lousy job staying in touch.
I suck at taking compliments - I try to attribute them all to some external factor. No, I'm not good at "x" - I just happened to have LOTS of help! Why can't I take a compliment and own it? And why do I suck at listening to my intuition? Jael, I think I need lessons... =0)

Really, I think it boils down to me labelling entirely to much - the "should" and the "need to" words, ya' know? And getting to tied down to the material, concrete things. I need to get some sleep, meditate some, and reconnect. I am not a bad, horrible, lazy, , , person (you fill in the blanks with whatever negative attributes I might concoct for myself). I am a young, active, intelligent, talented, and pretty-damn-cool woman - I rock! And I am going to do big and important things! (as I proclaimed to my Wednesday class when our prof asked what we're going to do when we're done with school...one of my second least favorite questions, next to "what grade do you think you deserve"). And I got a 100% on big scary final. Who cares about a "B" - I got a 100%! If I think about it, I still don't feel I deserve it, but the prof thought I did, so I'll trust his judgement.

Okie dokie, I'm going to bed now. Sorry for the ranting and raving. Wait, no...I'm NOT sorry. Like I said, this is my journaling session - ya'll are making the choice to read it or not.

G'night!

blech

This is my third time being sick this semester - fourth if you count the horrendous, week-long tension headache I had the week before last. What gives? I don't get sick, and when I do, it's, like, a three-day thing and then I'm better! Dammit!

At least this time it's staying as an upper-respiratory / sinus thing, and not hitting my lungs, again. However, I still do not enjoy the sore throat, cough, scratchy smoker voice, and sinus so plugged that my teeth hurt.

That's right - ya'll best be takin pity on me ;)

Ok - done whining - it's really not that bad, and whatcha' gonna' do, anyway? I've got a whole long list of other topics I've been wanting to blog on, but I just took Nyquil, so for now, I'm going to do some reading and go to sleep.

Ya'll take care! =)

humph

Ya' know how they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Is that really supposed to be true? I guess it is with my family to some extent, but, really, I find myself annoyed with this "absence..." Should I? Or shouldn't I? Or maybe it's okay to feel something, but it shouldn't necessarily be annoyance. (if you're really startin' to wonder, I haven't seen my b/f for, like 10 whole days, which isn't bad, I know, but I still really wanted to see him. And I think the "annoyed" actually comes in 'cause I called yesterday or Wednesday to see if I could come up on Saturday, and didn't hear anything back 'til this afternoon after I told him he should come down w/ his friends and go dancing, but they're going to a Rockies game in Denver, and he's "busy all weekend." Which is true - he's working, so I'm not annoyed at him - just annoyed...humph).

Alright, I'm done whining...

Bless the media and all it's little minions

I have been having a very hard time wrapping my head around lots of things, lately - least of all the Virginia Tech shootings. There is so much I just don't understand - can't understand. So much pain and hurt - so much of the ugliest side of life - and yet so much hope and beauty. Professor Liviu Librescu - a 76 year-old survivor of the Holocaust - put himself in front of the door while urging his students to flee, and was fatally shot in the process. And I know he is not the only professor, the only teacher, the only father - the only human who would do that to save others. Students who had been shot but were still mobile helped classmates with more serious injuries and blocked the door when the shooter tried to return. And the images of the candlelight vigil made me want to cry - here I am on the bike or the treadmill or whatever I was on at the rec center, watching the news, on the verge of tears.

It still seems very surreal, and my heart aches for all the families and the friends and students and colleagues of all the victims. And this includes the parents and family of Cho. To them, this was their SON - not a shooter, not a killer, not anyone or anything other than their son.

And it is this consideration that really has sent me over the top with regards to the media. I was irritated by the way reporters were badgering those involved - students and professors and police. I was rather appalled by some of the questions being asked (along the lines of 'you were only shot in the arm. Were there others that were more critically wounded?' - and this was Monday afternoon as reporters infiltrated the hospital looking for interviewees). But the clincher came just a short while ago - I was getting into my jammies, and Lonnie had the news on, and I heard this newsreporter and one of the "expert" guests discussing that this individual - this "shooter" - was completely cognizant of what he was doing, and the newsman referred to Cho as an "evil man."

Whoa! What??? An "evil" man, committing a pre-meditated massacre... where do you come off saying this!?! I do not agree with what he did, I do not understand where he was coming from - why he would resort to this - 'cause, as pissed as I've gotten at people, and as jaded I might have been with the world, I've NEVER wanted to hurt someone, much less kill them. And, yes, it was pre-meditated. I won't argue. But I also don't agree that (a) Cho is/was "evil," nor (b) he was necessarily aware of what he was doing. Like I said, it makes me feel sick to think about, but, at the same time, there is a difference between knowing what you are doing, and being aware of what you are doing, including considering all the contributing factors and your motivations and the consequences of your actions. Cho made very poor choices, and his actions are no less repugnant, but c'mon - "evil?" The act may have been, but can we call him "evil" - a man no one really knows anything about? And can you imagine how it would feel as a parent watching this? What must be going through their minds?

So, again, my heart is with those connected to the victims. I feel sick, and I ache, and I don't understand - I cannot even begin to express the turmoil. But I also think the media at large - and I apologize for generalizing in such a manner - I try to avoid making gross generalizations - but I think the media needs to be a little more aware of what they are communicating and how they are communicating...we all do.

here's a fun new game to play; here are fun new things to say!

Thought I'd toss in a little game for y'all. How familiar are you with the rules of Renaissance English? Well, lets find out - what are the words below? (I swear they're English!)

1) releeueth

2) poyntes

3) vfe (hint – it’s not really an “f” – I just don’t have the similar character available)

4) thẽfelues

5) iuyce

I totally feel like this right now. Gotta' be that time of the semester...like, three weeks or so left, which means crunch time with papers, presentations, tests, etc. Not to mention the fact that I have NO idea what I'm doing over the summer - aside from working on my lit. review and riding horses. I should definitely get a job, but there's so much research I want to do, too - creativity research, and insight and creativity, and experiential education, and the effects of background music on working memory, or spatial task performance, and on written samples, and the effects of mindfulness and meditation practices on attention and stress levels, and of course all the EAP research stuff. And I need to meet with profs to talk about the potential for research in each of these areas.

And I could always take some classes - even some in Boulder or Ft. Collins...

And the EAGALA training, and, and, and...

And ohmygod my brain still hurts! All the complex webs of interactions...

Okie dokie, speaking of complex webs of interactions, I'd best be gettin' back to my homework, but thought I'd spew at least a little - haven't in a while.

Oh! And, btw, has anyone else ever actually seen a car headlight go out on an oncoming car? Jael and I were on our way up to Estes last thursday, and just as this oncoming car was coming around a corner, one of the headlights went out! I've obviously seen cars with them out already, but this is the only time I've seen this happen while driving! Stupid and trivial, I know, but think about it - I, for one, have seen more shooting stars in my lifetime...

owwww

My brain! It can't take any more! Soon, it will start leaking out my ears - I'll be sure to take pictures. Seriously, it feels like the swirling vortex of terror or something -->

SO many thoughts and cognitive dissonance, and organization is so much harder with all these complex webs of connection than when you can actually order things hierarchically. For example, which comes first - self-awareness, or self-regulation? Well, it seems self-regulation, because there is evidence of infants self-regulating, but not necessarily any measures of self-awareness. At the same time, can we reach higher levels of self-regulation and metacognition without self-awarness? So can you really separate them into fundamentally different entities and order them? They ARE different, but can you separate and order them? And that's to say nothing of things like self-efficacy, nature and nurture factors, etc. Obviously, you cannot cover every possible variable in studies - you would never get anywhere! but that doesn't make my brain hurt any less. Because you DO have to consider them, and make sure you're really measuring what you intend to be measuring...

And that brings up the definitions point. I've always been kind of a smart-ass when it comes to taking things literally (better a smart one than a dumb one, though, right?). But it's a valid consideration, particularly when it comes to self-report measures. There are so many ways to interpret things.

At some point, you have to decide what is necessary to be particular about, and what to let slide, and explain why you make these decisions. This is the part I still get hung up on - letting elements go, or at least letting them wait until later. And, boy, isn't that like life? Having to decide what to spend the time and energy on, what to set aside, and what to let go.

On that note, time for me to go and meet with my advisor - try to come up with a summer plan... But I'd like to share one more thing before I go - enjoy! (thanks, Gary Larsen!) =0)