Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Wednesday hump day

Let's just call a spade a spade and acknowledge the fact that I am in a very "blech" sort of place, right now. Not really a bad mood, not really depressed, not really in a funk (though that's probably the closest). I probably just need to go to bed, and it's not even anything serious - just lots of little stuff. Like I said to my little bro, I'm sure the fact that my remembering to take my "happy drugs" has been spotty, and that I haven't gotten to see my counselor in, like, two weeks isn't helping. Nor the fact that I'm sick again. Nor the fact that it's just "that" week, this week (aren't you glad to know that? But that's okay - the way I see it, this is like my online journal - if you want to read it, well, that's your decision).

Yup, I think it's a bunch of little things. I got a B in a class. What!?! Well, that makes sense, doesn't it? - I told the professor that was the grade I felt I deserved - a B. What was I thinking? Who ever answers that question so frickin honestly? I HATE that question! There goes my GPA. But, more importantly, why do I care so much? Someone is coming to look at Tommy on Saturday, and his canter on his right lead is broken. It was fixed, I put him up for sale, and it's broken? I need a job, but I'm kinda' picky about jobs. And I went on this interview today - the second round, actuall - the "callback - and ohmygod was it a long day! And I decided, after the entire day spent shadowing one of the current employees, that I don't want to work there, it just feels like a day completely wasted. But, the upside is that I won't end up working there and deciding, say, a few weeks down the line that I'm perfectly miserable working there. but I need a job - I am SO broke!
I have no idea what I'm doing with myself over the summer, but need to figure it out. There's that "need" word, again. What does that even mean?
I feel like the worst daughter/granddaughter/niece for doing such a lousy job staying in touch.
I suck at taking compliments - I try to attribute them all to some external factor. No, I'm not good at "x" - I just happened to have LOTS of help! Why can't I take a compliment and own it? And why do I suck at listening to my intuition? Jael, I think I need lessons... =0)

Really, I think it boils down to me labelling entirely to much - the "should" and the "need to" words, ya' know? And getting to tied down to the material, concrete things. I need to get some sleep, meditate some, and reconnect. I am not a bad, horrible, lazy, , , person (you fill in the blanks with whatever negative attributes I might concoct for myself). I am a young, active, intelligent, talented, and pretty-damn-cool woman - I rock! And I am going to do big and important things! (as I proclaimed to my Wednesday class when our prof asked what we're going to do when we're done with of my second least favorite questions, next to "what grade do you think you deserve"). And I got a 100% on big scary final. Who cares about a "B" - I got a 100%! If I think about it, I still don't feel I deserve it, but the prof thought I did, so I'll trust his judgement.

Okie dokie, I'm going to bed now. Sorry for the ranting and raving. Wait, no...I'm NOT sorry. Like I said, this is my journaling session - ya'll are making the choice to read it or not.



Heidi said...

Karen, you ARE a young, active, intelligent, talented, and pretty-damn-cool woman - you DO rock! It sucks, though, when all the little things start to add up and overwhelm you. But it's good that you can realize the above even while you're unhappy.

I have some of the same issues as you do -- I suck at keeping in touch with people, too, and I also suck at taking compliments. Even when I feel they're deserved I don't know how to accept them gracefully, I usually just make a joke or something lame. And I also HATE the question about what you're going to do with your life. Having kids gives me a good excuse not to deal with that question for a while, which is good, because I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I tell people I'm going to make the world a better place and leave it at that.

Hey, you can always come to NY for the summer and nanny for us! :) We're still trying to figure out our summer, too, since we'll probably be moving sometime, and we're trying to work out a trip to WA sometime.

Okay, this comment length is approaching ridiculousness, so I'll end it. But I hope things start looking up for you soon!

Jael said...

Heidi is right Karen, you are so amazing! Your intelligence and motivation are inspiring and I know you are going to do amazing important things in this world! I can't wait to watch them happen, though they already are with all the things you've accomplished. If anything, though it may be small, you really are my best friend and I appreciate everything you do for me. And I will totally cut out some of my listening to my intuition skillz and give them to you. You probably don't need me to say this, but hang in there and you know everything will work out how it's supposed to.

And I got a B in theory too! Damn B's!!! But really, that is good, we are good damn it! B's are the shiz! Are we convinced yet? And we don't have to apologize for anything! That's right! Go us! I love you Karen, hang in there! We can go have a "get out of the funk" night tomorrow! It will be fantastic.

P.S. I posted that article about the toys that read brain waves on my blog when you have time to read it.

kiki said...

Yes! We can now officially call ourselves the "B-student Brigage." I got a B in structural equation modeling class, and let me tell you, I'm pretty sure I went through all those thoughts that you did (That just blew my GPA, too). I'll bet Scary Prof (that's what I call her anyways) gave "Tisha" a B, too. We all need to get together and drink our sorrows away and remind ourselves that not everybody is a amazing and intelligent and hot as us.

Hey, I think I saw that guy who groped us at the bar. He was sitting with his friend eating lunch at Qdoba's. I did a double-take and almost went over there to say "You look familiar. Do I know you?" HA, HA, HA. Ahhh, good times, good times.

Jael said...

Aw man, I so don't want to be on the B list, but I guess that's reality. I am really sad though because that made my GPA go down to a 3.79.... 79!!! So close to my 3.8 I was going to be "okay" with. I blame it all on music theory, stupid ridiculously overly worked and complicated class. At least I have a 4.0 in my Art Degree, that's what matters and I'll keep telling myself that over those drinks we have about how fantastic we are.

That's awesome you saw that guy Kiki! I wonder what he would have said to you haha. Those are the best of times.

kiki said...

Yeah, we seriously need to have some drinks and dancing soon. I'm feelin' the deprivation.

Yeah, I was thinking of throwing out some major flirtation just to see what he'd do in a normal context.

He, he, he. I'm so mean....

karen said...

Amen - I am SO in the mood, now (see my 5/22/07 blog). Besides, I miss you guys!!! Let's orchestrate something for the very near future...