So, I'm sitting here, swigging down a fine, darker ale and enjoying some variety of triple-chocolate fro-yo, replying to blogs, doing some blogging of my own, and watching The Sweetest Thing. I am so Cameron Diaz's character. And I feel SO cliche! Yay! Hey, and apparently, I'm a poet, didn't know it! ;0)
There is SO much I want to blog on. I love writing. I hope I get that job I applied for that is working from home approx. 32 hours/week writing web content. That'd be fun...
But I digress. I don't even know what to say. Jael, I love you, and I love that you understand being a walking contradiction. Thank you for always being there (including to drive my car home)!
And, on the off-chance that you read this, Bart, thank you, too. I still haven't decided if I like this aspect of a "real" relationship. Like I said to Jael, I have managed to live 25 years without ever feeling this way - well, maybe close once, but it was different. Similar feelings, but waaay different situation. And I don't know that I like this. But, like Jael said, it's good to be feeling these things - part of life. I experience such extremes, though, and often at the same time. It just makes things rather confusing and uncomfortable. What would life be without such experiences? Bland, I imagine.
Still...sometimes I hate feeling. And I'm scared of feeling so intensely, and I'm scared that I might believe you, Bart. Or maybe I just want to believe you, but, at the same time, can't bring myself to believe you. And, pardon my language, but what makes you so Goddamn special that I even care!?! I am the queen of staying detached, and now I feel like I have tumbled head-over-heels, and am in over my head. And I am so torn over wanting to just walk away (as is habit), and wanting to stick around to see what happens.
I'm still slightly annoyed with you, and slightly pissed at you. C'mon, you have to admit you kind of handled things in a pussy-ass sort of way. Were you hoping I would bring it up first? Sorry - I knew it was coming, but wanted to hear you say it.
However, at the same time, I am still so appreciative of your sincerity and honesty. I still care about you, and I still feel like you have that ability to read me like a book. And I believe that you care. Even though we can't see what the future may hold, I am still so thankful for all you have given me.
And I know where you live ;0)
Aye - so many conflicting emotions. Perhaps I'll just go back to my beer-and-icecream combo, get some sleep, and give myself some time to process all that just happened. Doesn't even seem real...
In the meantime, I love you SO much Jael. thank you. And thank you, too, Bart. Enjoy your summer.